Acknowledgement
Under Pants Gang 1
Under Pants Gang 2
Under Pants Gang 3
The Librarian Did It
Connie loved to write, and I have found a few of the stories that she wrote. Most of them were just a few pages but she wrote them where our friends where the main characters in the stories. I will start posting some of them here over the next several months. But for right now I am posting an acknowledgment page from ” THE LIBRARIAN DID IT”. I have only found a few of her stories and I wish I had more. One of my friends is looking for a book she put together called “The End is in Sight”. She often teased this person about being a proctologist, but he was not.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I would like to thank the following people for making this short story possible
Oops… there is no one to thank. It was all my own doing. Well, maybe I should thank my husband for being quite while I worked on this labor of love for our pal Miss Brenda.
Note to the manufacturer : The muzzle you sent fit him fine and worked better than expected!!! Thank you very much for the peace and quite that I am enjoying. I thoroughly endorse it
Before I start posting some of Connie’s stories, I need to tell you how she came up with the Under Pants Gang story. It started on a Saturday evening when we were having a bunch of people over to our house for a party. There were about 15 or 16 people there. About 5:30 the first person arrived and when we opened the door and they were standing there with underpants over their clothes. About half of the couple showed up with their underwear over their clothes that night so that was the inspiration for these Under Pant Gang stories.
Under Pants Gang — Part 1
$100,000 Reward
The Allen Police Department has announced it is offering a $100,000 reward for information leading to the capture and prosecution of the spellbinding Underpants Flashers who have been terrorizing the surrounding communities recently
Police Chief, Barney Clump, has stated that the FBI has been called in on the case. After numerous interviews with the local citizens, Chief Clump stated that it has been established that the Underpants Flashers Gang consists of four persons. Besides the trademark wearing of their underpants over their clothes, they have been described as having demented-looking eyes, wide grins, and exhibiting evil laughter. Mental institutions in five states are being contacted to see if any escapes of inmates have occurred. So far as police know, the Underpants Flashers are comprised of two men and two women, identified only as Randy, Marty, Sonja, and Pa.
While the Underpants Flashers have sent terrified women screaming through the streets and children and pets hiding under beds, they have also elicited a romantic excitation among some. Millie Crumpett, 86, of Fairview, says that she actually enjoyed her visit by Randy, Marty, and Sonja. “I heard them calling each other by name and will never forget those scary faces. If that Randy feller comes by again, I just might give him a wedgie… or two. He was wearing binoculars and a hunting camouflage shirt, but he was no birdwatcher.” Bubba Hornschneckle of Bubba’s Biker Bar in McKinney states that he really enjoyed his visit from one of the Underpants Flashers in particular. “There I was in my double-wide watching ESPN when suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it and there stood this frisky frosted blonde just grinning with the most devilish smile. She was really enjoying herself. It set my motor going.” Bubba added: “Sure hope she comes back before she gets caught.” Fester Bumpswaggle of Allen stated that he really liked the one who wore the Hawaiian underpants, identified as Sonja. “I was stationed in Oahu during World War 11 and that little lady brought back memories. I saw her hula in those underpants. Tell her to come again soon – I’m home after 9 p.m.” The fourth gang member, Pa, remains elusive and behind the scenes. He is believed to be the mastermind who plots the dastardly deed of which citizen will be the next victim of the Flashers. He, perhaps, is the most menacing of all.
While the Underpants Flashers maintain a low profile during the day, they are becoming bolder at night. During the last full moon, they were spotted at numerous houses throughout Collin County. The FBI states that it is having a hard time apprehending them. They ask that the local citizens keep a loaded gun handy, buy and train a Doberman, and don’t, under any circumstances, open your door at night.
Knock Knock…….. fffffffff
UNDERPANTS GANG SNAGGED (Part 2)
“It creeped me to get out of my bed at midnight to double-check the locks, and it made my heart skip a beat whenever there was an unexpected knock,” declared Sadie Sue Biggerbutz of Fairview. In chilling detail, Sadie Sue described her compelling fear of seeing the Underpants Gang again. “Mine was one of the first houses they visited. Their twisted minds still visit my thoughts at night and grip me with such terror. Most people like to think they can recognize evil when they see it, but how can you explore hidden evil that lies behind the façade of ordinary people? They looked normal until they started grinning. Oh, it was so evil! I am very thrilled to hear that they have been caught,” smiled Sadie Sue.
Thrilled also are two Allen residents for whom good fortune smiled upon yesterday. It was a glorious spring day for nationally renowned proctologist, Dr. Mike, and his school librarian wife, Brenda, as they enjoyed a relaxing day of golf at Heritage Ranch. While playing the second hole, a stranger came up behind them and stopped his cart. He sat and waited until Dr. Mike and Brenda finished playing. Then he got out of the golf cart and teed up. “There was something faintly familiar about the man and it piqued my interest,” stated Brenda. As they progressed through the 18 holes, Brenda felt a pervasive evil presence. After they finished their game, Dr. Mike and Brenda proceeded to the clubhouse. The stranger soon followed. He sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Suddenly the man left to go to the men’s room. Brenda decided to do some undercover work. She had prior experience, after a few glasses of wine, of checking out men’s restrooms. Bravely, she walked into the “wrong” room on purpose. She quickly feigned an apology. The stranger said “mistakes happen. It’s okay.” Like a thunderbolt, it dawned on Brenda who the man was from his picture in the newspapers. She exited the restroom as quickly as she could, told Dr. Mike what she saw, and together they notified the police. “I saw those underpants in the newspaper. I’d know them anywhere,” she declared. Within minutes, Randy, a fugitive member of the infamous Underpants Flashers Gang was surrounded and taken to jail without incident. Police Chief Barney Clump then called the FBI into the case.
Randy was interrogated to no avail. He would not reveal the location of his fellow gang members Miss Marty, Sonja, and Pa. FBI agents then called in the man revered for his proficiency at extracting information – Counter Terrorist Unit’s elite agent, Jack Bauer. Randy was taken to a rural location and the questioning began. After a while, Bauer emerged and stated that Randy gave no information regarding the whereabouts of his gang members. Bauer had exhausted all his techniques and decided to rethink his options. In the meantime, Randy complained of being hungry. Bauer dispatched an agent to Puddie’s Bean Bistro to get Randy some food. The agent returned and Randy was served a bowl of Puddie’s borracho beans. Bauer stated that “Randy wuffed them down. I’ve never seen anything like what happened next,” he said. “Randy’s eyes started bulging and turning crimson, his whole body broke into a sweat, his face and neck turned beet red. His left side started pulsating and it appeared as though a few beans got stuck there. He looked like he was going to explode! Randy pleaded for water. It was at that point that I knew we had him,” smiled Agent Bauer. “I held a glass of ice water in front of him and said that he could have it if he told us where to find Miss Marty, Sonja, and Pa. With his eyes blazing and his tongue on fire Randy sang like a canary,” laughed Agent Bauer. Randy said that since his interrogation he has undergone a conversion and wants to reform his life. The remorse he feels makes him want to make amends for the spine-splitting fright he has caused. He desires to flee to the frozen tundra of north Collin County to live a simple life amongst the coyotes and rabbits. “The Gang and I were an immediate and exceptional danger to the public, and I’m happy that we won’t scare any more little old ladies. The time is right for this reign of terror to end,” he said.
With the new information, Allen police and FBI agents then sped to Frisco to pick up Randy’s frisky, frosted-blonde accomplice, Miss Marty. She tried to run, but tripped over the Alp horn she uses to grab underpants from clothes lines. She admitted she was scouting out areas where laundry was drying in backyards. “I like a variety of underpants for my flashing,” Miss Marty boasted. She was stopped with a round of buckshot in the posterior! Miss Marty was then taken to jail and given some of Puddie’s borracho beans – without a glass of water to drink! It had the same results as Randy’s experience. Agent Bauer, now on a roll, learned the whereabouts of Sonja and Pa within minutes. In a state of delirium from the buckshot and the beans, Miss Marty kept repeating that she wanted to change her evil ways and have Pampered Chef parties instead. “I’m turning in my bloomers now and will never be a part of the Underpants Gang again. I am on the road to redemption,” she declared.
The CIA and Interpol were called in next due to information that Sonja and Pa were preparing to fly to Texas from Budapest. Pa’s objective, as the mastermind of the gang, was to start sleeper cells of the nefarious Underpants Flashers Gang throughout Europe, infiltrating all the countries on the continent, and establishing Budapest as its headquarters. Through information gathered from Miss Marty, agents learned of the date and time that Sonja and Pa would arrive in the U.S. Dozens of agents were placed around the perimeter of the airport. Sonja was spotted buying a newspaper and was snagged without incident. Her luggage contained hundreds of underpants bought on the black market in Budapest. She planned to distribute the black market contraband throughout the new sleeper cells. Members of the new cells, like those in the United States, were to don those underpants and spread terror at night by flashing the local citizens throughout the various cities and towns across Europe. Agent Bauer stated “with information obtained from Sonja we have managed to shut down all the European sleeper cells of the Underpants Gang. Europe is now safe at last!” Upon her arrest, Sonja seemed contrite and stated that she was relieved and at peace that her participation in the horrifying gang was now over. “I didn’t want to scare people in my underpants any more,” she stated. “I’m going to reform myself by teaching cooking classes to all the husbands whose wives have been too traumatized to be in the kitchen because of the fright brought on by the Flashers.”
The only member of the infamous gang still at large is the monstrous Pa, the mastermind of the operation. He managed to slip through the hands of the FBI, CIA, and Interpol. Agents surmise that he must have seen Sonja being surrounded and made a run for it. One incident of note is that a woman’s large suitcase was stolen around the same time that Sonja was caught. Billy Mitchell of Toledo, Ohio was shaving in the men’s room when he spotted a man rushing into the bathroom carrying a big suitcase. The man went into a stall and emerged a few minutes later dressed completely like a woman. “He had a hard time walking in those high heels,” said Mitchell. No words were exchanged between the two. “I was speechless at the sight,” stated Mitchell. The man left the suitcase in the stall and rushed out the door of the bathroom. On his way out he bumped into Ben Tyler of Miami, Florida. Tyler stated that he thought to himself, “Boy, that lady needs a lot of plastic surgery.” He and Mitchell are believed to be the only two people alive to have seen the elusive Pa up close. FBI artists are busy taking down and sketching all information regarding the facial features of the fugitive. Pa remains free to plot further attacks of underpants flashing on a stunned citizenry. “This fiend must be caught quickly,” stated Police Chief Clump. Clump added that “this nation’s arsenal of sonar, radar, GPS, and satellite systems is being utilized in the search for the shadowy Pa. It’s just a matter of time before he’s caught. Clump chided that “a big, steaming bowl of Puddie’s borracho beans awaits Pa upon capture!”
Counter Terrorist Unit agent Jack Bauer affirmed that “the President has allowed the methods of terrorist interrogation to be broadened which has helped our work immensely.” Agent Bauer sent a missive to the President urging him to hold a news conference declaring Puddie’s Bean Bistro as the newest advance in the arsenal in the war on terror. “In all the annals of history, the mind of man has not invented anything more torturous than those beans,” stated Bauer. He has recommended to the President that Puddie be given the Medal of Honor for her actions in helping to capture these cunning criminals. When asked what ingredients are used in her beans to spark such a fiery reaction Puddie stated that “I don’t think it was anything that I added to my beans. I think that the AM/FM radio playing in the microwave somehow infused the beans with energy and radiation so that anyone who ate them felt like they were on fire. For years people have told me that my cooking was hell!”
As the captured fugitives finally give up their shocking secrets, it has been fascinating to see the delusions and the shattering passions of the criminal mind, and the relentless efforts of law enforcement to ferret out the deadly truth. This morning Counter Terrorist Unit officials have affirmed astounding intelligence gathered regarding Pa. It has been learned that the clothing store “Victoria’s Secret” is owned by none other than Pa. “Pa is the Victoria behind Victoria’s secret,” stated Agent Bauer. “He has access to hundreds of underpants and lots of disguises.” An around-the-clock undercover SWAT team will be in place at all Victoria’s Secret locations. “This is just another nail-biting sequence of twists and turns in the investigation. Pa is an admirable adversary,” said Bauer.
In another update just released minutes ago, it was revealed that the President has announced that Dr. Mike and Brenda will receive a $1 million reward for their heroic actions in capturing Randy whose arrest precipitated the arrest of the other two members of the gang. “Dr. Mike and Brenda have saved the United States from more attacks by this sinister group. We stand united in our gratitude to them. The terror has been squelched,” said the President. To add to their good fortune, Dr. Mike and Brenda were flattered to hear that Hollywood is calling. A multi-million dollar budget motion picture, based on their recent thrilling actions, is in the works. Mel Gibson has already been signed to play the part of Dr. Mike and Pamela Anderson has also been signed to play the part of the delectable librarian, Brenda.
When asked for a comment regarding recent events, Dr. Mike stated that “Pa has scared the daylights out of women, children, and pets for quite awhile now. He’s making psychiatrists very rich because of his wake of horror and its aftermath on the human psyche. My profession doesn’t get any glory. But when things go wrong in that department, nobody’s more popular than me,” he quipped. In his usual modest way, Dr. Mike said “We’ll get Pa. In my profession, there’s a little motto that we proctologists live by religiously, and it is that “we always get them in the end!!!!!!!!” Finale
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Mucho thanks to Randy, Miss Marty, Sonja, Pa, Brenda, and Dr. Mike for being the Underpants Gang! It still makes us giggle whenever we think of you even though it’s been weeks since the “flashing!” You’ll never know how funny it struck us when we first opened the front door and there you were – looking like demented escapees from an asylum!! Sparkie and I laugh at all the pictures so often. You are such a crazy bunch and we love you all. You’re kids at heart and you’ll never get old and crabby because of your playfulness and silly humor. Knowing crazies like you surely means that “the best is yet to come!!!” We hope you get a laugh out of the continuing saga of the Underpants Flashers Gang!!! Thanks for all the laughs!
Love ya,
Connie and Sparkie
Under Pants Fugitive In A Twist
UNDERPANTS FUGITIVE IN A TWIST
The world awoke to astounding news today as word that the elusive Pa, mastermind of the infamous Underpants Flashers Gang was, at long last, in U.S. custody. Twists have always followed in the unfolding story of the Underpants Gang and this is no exception for Pa was not caught by the Counter Terrorist Unit or the FBI, but, actually, willingly turned himself in. Reporters and TV cameras filled the newsroom of the White House as the President, with Pa by his side, unfolded the riveting story.
Some months ago the other members of the Underpants Flashers Gang were arrested after a lengthy chase. Randy, physically tormented beyond human endurance by a bowl of Puddie’s Borracho Beans, gave valuable information to federal agents that enabled them to capture his wife, Miss Marty. She was caught in the act of pulling underpants from a clothesline with an Alp horn in Frisco. After eating some borracho beans, she too, gave information on the itinerary of Sonja and Pa. Sonja was captured at the airport, buying a newspaper, after disembarking from a flight from Budapest. She and Pa had gone there to establish new sleeper cells for underpants flashing throughout Europe. Pa, having seen Sonja being surrounded and captured by agents, stole a suitcase from a traveler, and fled the airport dressed as a woman. He had remained a cunning fugitive until now.
Knowing that Interpol, the CIA, FBI, and Counter Terrorist Unit agents were searching for him, Pa paid a bribe to get out of the country on a private jet. Still dressed as a woman, he landed in Italy, and managed to secure a position as “Gina,” a waitress, in “Giuseppe’s Pizzeria.” He stated that “those Italians loved my hairy legs and arms. They never guessed that my long, black hair was a wig. I had to slap so many of them for pinching my butt.” According to Pa, the worst part of this job was fending off Guido, Giuseppe’s brother. Because of the increasing amount of male attention he was receiving, Pa decided to get out of Italy. He next moved to England where he thought things would be more proper. He was hired by the Earl of Shetland as “Nanny Maude” for his two children. Among Pa’s duty as a nanny was to be a playmate presiding over tea parties and croquet games. However, Nanny Maude soon found herself, having her knickers tweaked by the master of the house late at night. The Earl could not resist Nanny Maude’s icy demeanor. Pa complained that “those English are a horny lot.” Pa decided it was time to move on again and fled the estate. This time he moved to France and found employment immediately, as a domestic, in the country home of a high-ranking public official. Pa had to wear a short, black, French maid’s outfit. By this time he had become quite proficient at applying makeup, had bought several wigs for different hair styles, and had perfected a wiggle when he walked. Here too, he found himself cornered in several compromising situations with the French official. “Unfortunately for me, I had turned myself into one hot chick. I had become just too darn sexy. Why am I so tantalizing…it is such a burden,” Pa muttered. By this time though he had had enough and decided to move to a place where he thought he could cover up and be safe….beautiful, downtown Kabul, Afghanistan!
Pa arrived in sunny Afghanistan dressed as a man with a floppy hat to cover his face. At the airport he purchased a burka and women’s sandals. He walked outside the airport and took a road that was rough and hilly. He felt he’d be safe in the hills if he could find a cave and change into his burka. He needed to cover his face as there were still wanted posters for his arrest posted at all the airports and terminals. While at the airport he bought some bottled water, fruit, candy, and bread. About a mile from the airport he stepped through an alcove in rock that must have been shaped by centuries of sandstorms. He settled in for a meal and a good night’s sleep. He felt secure.
Pa awoke the next morning to find his sandals being kicked by a man with a dish towel covering his face. The man said that he was with the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice in Afghanistan. Women were not supposed to be sleeping alone in caves. He instructed Pa to get up and go back to “her” family. Much to Pa’s relief, he realized that the burka worked. He had fooled the guard into thinking he was a woman! Pa moved on to another cave further up the mountain. As he explored the path and its many chambers he heard a group of men talking animatedly further back in the cave. He hid himself, listened, made mental notes, and tried to remain as calm as possible. After several hours Pa uncontrollably let out a cough. The men stopped talking and rushed up the cave path until they spotted him. Pa bowed and started to walk backwards toward the opening of the cave, hoping to appease them. Suddenly, a voice at the back shouted “bring her to me.” Pa was escorted to the man who smiled at him. Stunned with disbelief Pa realized who the man was…Osama Bin Laden! The man asked Pa “her” name. Pa replied “my name is Hady.” The man stood up and motioned for Pa to come closer to him. With much enthusiasm he exclaimed “Hady, you are a hottie! I love the way you moved toward me in your burka. I am lonely in these mountains. This week I will make you my 15th wife.” Pa was repulsed from the smell of the toxic emissions emanating from Osama and gagged. Despite his own personal peril Pa knew he had to get away as quickly as possible and alert the authorities as to this Al Queda hideout and Osama’s location. “Take her away and make preparations,” Osama shouted to his minions.” He then turned to Pa, winked, and whispered, “Till I see you again, my little desert flower…”!!
Pa was taken to the main shopping area of the city and told to buy wedding garments. He immediately began looking for an escape. His heart was pounding and his nerves were so taut he thought he would break. “Osama Bin Laden wants to make me his 15th wife,” he thought!!! Pa knew that he would rather be the new prom queen in an American prison than to have Osama find out that he was a Pa and NOT a Ma. After a quick strategy session, Pa knew that dressed as a woman he could not approach a male U.S. soldier without being beaten by the virtue police. He was able to evade the guard Osama assigned to go shopping with him by asking him to buy “Hady” a soda. With the guard on his mission, Pa then quickly bought some male clothes, changed behind a building, and approached a U.S. soldier standing on a street corner. The soldier contacted the U.S. Embassy. Pa told the Embassy official that he would speak only to Counter Terrorist Unit agent Jack Bauer. As luck would have it, Bauer was nearby the city of Kabul on other investigative work. Pa, Osama’s future bride, was in U.S. custody in less than one hour.
At first, Agent Bauer thought that Pa was just tired of being a fugitive and wanted to surrender. He soon realized how fate had stepped in and changed the course of history. Agent Bauer was prepared to offer Pa a total reprieve if he would reveal the information about Osama’s location. Pa agreed and told Bauer that he learned much information from overhearing the men talking in the cave. “Evil exists and it was truly personified in Osama and his cronies. He must be crushed,” stated Pa. He also told Bauer that he had marked the route leading to the cave and it should show up on satellite photos of the area. The President was overjoyed with this new covert intelligence and its ramifications that he pronounced that Pa would be given a full pardon, a parade in Washington, and a new postage stamp would be issued in honor of his heroic escape and helpful information. Agent Bauer and Pa were flown back to the U.S. aboard Air Force One. Bauer joked that Pa wouldn’t be served any of Puddie’s borracho beans!
Recent views from spy satellites have shown a very tall man hiking the hills in Afghanistan where Pa saw Osama. The man, obviously very downcast and sad, seems to be searching for someone…perhaps his little “desert blossom.” When told about this recent occurrence, Pa smiled, and said he was very happy to be a runaway bride! Thanks to Pa’s information the western world is a little bit safer. Sleep well, citizens!
UPDATES:
RANDY: Because of his experience with Puddie’s Borracho Beans, Randy has become a valuable asset in the war on terror. He related his first-hand experience to federal agents who found him to be a viable witness. His information has expanded interrogation techniques enormously. The President has boasted that “Puddie’s Borracho Beans” are presently used as the most effective torture technique in our arsenal.” Randy stated that “no one’s body can withstand the torture of those beans. I tried as hard as I could, but my body gave out on me. We can get information from anyone with just a bowl of those fiery buggers.” Because of his experiences and his expertise as a master of disguise from his Underpants Gang days, Randy was recruited by the Counter Terrorist Unit to be elite Agent Jack Bauer’s partner in a secret operation presently occurring somewhere in the Middle East.
MISS MARTY: Because Randy is often away on secret missions; Miss Marty decided to immigrate to sunny Tahiti. With her creative streak she soon opened up a sportswear and Swiss chocolate factory. She has stated that “all the islanders and tourists wear my designs.” Miss Marty’s muumuus are distinctive in that they portray scenes from her native Switzerland and not tropical scenes. Her most popular item is a sarong depicting the Matterhorn and a goat herder with an Alp horn. She has enlarged her clothing line to include swimsuits, shorts, tee shirts, and hats. Despite her busy schedule, Miss Marty has also formed the Tahitian Swiss Club and is its first president. Throngs of ex-patriot Swiss have joined the club for her weekly chocolate fondue feasts and yodel contests.
SONJA: Since Sonja’s husband Pa has become a national hero, she has been taking over the management of their Victoria’s Secret conglomerate which usually was managed by Pa. She has also expanded her line of clothing items. Recently she has designed “support” teddies, nightgowns, and underwear for aging baby boomers. She has called her new ladies line BOOST ‘EMS.” She also has designed a new men’s line for the over-40 male, featuring briefs and shorts called “TOTE ‘EMS.” Both of these undergarment lines have invisible support features built into the fabrics to give a more lifted look. The store demand at Victoria’s Secret is reaching epic proportions as throngs of old hippies and aging yuppies clang for the items. An upcoming advertising campaign on TV for these new support items will feature the slogan “KEEP ‘EM UP.” Ray Snigglehoffer, 82, of Allen will model some of these items at the next Good Timers luncheon scheduled for June 1st. Ray exclaimed that his wife, Elsie Sue, 79, “gets my motor running in her new, support, red teddy. She sure is a foxy babe.” Expectations of sales for this new Victoria’s Secret line of clothing is said to be off the charts. In the meantime, Pa is having a hard time adjusting to the sweeping changes Sonja has made. He grumbled that “Since founding Victoria’s Secret, I’ve been in underpants for decades. I know the ins and outs, the best sales markets, and the worst ones. All this women’s lib crap is driving me crazy.” When told that time at a meditation spa might help him chill out, Pa grumbled and muttered, “aw, bring back the burkas and get these women back in the kitchen!”
DR. MIKE AND BRENDA: After receiving a $1 million reward for information leading to the capture of the Underpants Gang and with the windfall they received from the blockbuster movie depicting their life story, Dr. Mike and Brenda moved to Malibu, California. They recently bought a 240-foot yacht which they often use to cruise to various uninhabited Pacific islands. Shortly after his move to California, Dr. Mike was honored with the “Bronze Glove Award,” the epitome of prestige for retired proctologists. He recently finished the sequel to his highly acclaimed book “Proctology is Your Friend.” Brenda is busy editing the book they collaborated on together entitled “Proctology for Dummies – A Layman’s Guide.” It will be due out in time for Christmas. Asked why he kept so busy after just retiring Dr. Mike said, “I really missed having my hand in proctology.” With the smile of a Cheshire cat, Dr. Mike stated that his recently released sequel has knocked popular talk show host Dr. Phil’s two books completely off the bestseller’s list!!!!
The End…really, it is!!
THE LIBRARIAN DID IT
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I would like to thank the following people for making this short story possible.
Oops…there is no one to thank. It was all my own doing. Well, maybe I should thank my husband for being quiet while I worked on this labor of love for our pal Miss Brenda.
Note to the manufacturer: The muzzle you sent fits him fine and worked better than expected.!!!! Thank you very much for the peace and quiet that I am enjoying. I thoroughly endorse it.
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to Mike. Due to his high-tech expertise, he surmised what was going on and greatly assisted Miss Brenda in keeping the world safe.
Location: City Hall
Time: 7:30 p.m.
Speaker: Dick Cheney, Vice President
Dick Cheney: “Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished dignitaries, fellow teachers, librarians, and citizens of Allen, we have come here tonight to bestow tribute to school librarian, Miss Brenda, with a most unique honor – the M.O.L.E., which stands for Medal of Librarians Extraordinaire.” It originated in Paris, France during World War II. This medal was given to those brave librarians who risked their lives secreting books that were destined to be destroyed by Hitler’s re-education regime. Miss Brenda faced down a similar evil and expunged it without worry to her own personal safety.
To those who have not heard all the details of this heroic adventure, let me give a brief synopsis:
Last September, Labor Day to be exact, found Miss Brenda enjoying a good book. It was an extremely hot and humid day in Texas and she was happy to be confined to her air-conditioned home. As she paused to get an iced tea she found her thoughts drifting to one of her students. Timmy was a fifth grader and she had known him since first grade. Although school had been in session only three weeks, Miss Brenda felt that Timmy was acting differently this year. His usual routine in past years was that of a typical boy – playing ball, getting dirty, and enjoying all the activities of boys that age. However, this term Timmy was stopping by the library alone and spending about 15 minutes on the computer each day. Curiosity got the better of Miss Brenda after a week. She watched and discovered that Timmy was printing off a Big Boggle puzzle. It surprised her because Timmy was not the type of kid to do word puzzles. He just was never interested in that sort of thing before.
For those of you who do not know what Big Boggle is, I will try to explain. It is a word puzzle with random letters scattered across a 5×5 board in which you seek to find as many words as possible. Timmy never tried to work the puzzles. He just printed them off.
One day as Miss Brenda was driving home, she spotted Timmy going into a local convenience store. She pulled into the parking lot and watched from her car as the owner took Timmy’s Boggle puzzle and handed him several bills. She could not detect the denomination of the money. Her curiosity was heightened very much because she could not figure out why anyone would pay for a puzzle from a fifth grader. Something told her not to confront the owner of the store. He was from the Middle East and she knew he was somewhat standoffish with customers. She was not being discriminatory but cautious due to recent world events. She knew the man’s name was Khalid. He was an intimidating figure of a man: immensely tall, formidably straight, and stiff, with a haughty manner that was somehow emphasized by his large nose and drooping eyelids. This man’s relationship with Timmy started to bother her very much.
Since Miss Brenda’s husband, Mike, was a whiz on computers, she enlisted his help. She drove him to the library that evening and he set up software that would capture exactly what Timmy was printing. It marked the beginning of a fascinating and astonishing journey for this beloved librarian.
Mike started duplicating copies of whatever Big Boggle puzzles Timmy printed off. Each night for a few weeks Miss Brenda studied the puzzles. Soon an unbelievable pattern emerged. When she numbered the squares from 1 to 25, going from the top left corner to the bottom right corner, Miss Brenda began to notice certain combinations of words appearing in the same numbered position on the puzzle. Being very astute with word games, Miss Brenda’s attention was fired up. She spotted the letters “newtargets” which when separated spelled out “new targets.” A couple of days later, using the same position as “newtargets” she discovered the letters “searstower” which spelled out the words “Sears Tower”. It took another few days for her to discover if there was a vowel in position 15 then there did not seem to be a word that made sense, but, when separated spelled out words which connoted buildings, bridges, dams, airports, museums, or football stadiums – places where hundreds or thousands of people congregate. During the next few days, other words appeared that distressed her. She cringed when she saw the word “logan” – could that be Logan Airport? Next she found the word “spaceneedle” – could that be Seattle’s Space Needle?
Miss Brenda fretted about her discovery and over who she should tell about her dilemma. She kept coming back to the fact that the convenience store owner was Middle Eastern and that raised her suspicions even more. Could there be a lot more sinister things occurring? Could her imagination be working overtime? She felt deep in her heart that Western Civilization was in peril, and she had to save it!! She did know she had to share this information and have it checked out since there had been reports of terrorist sleeper cells operating in the United States. Could one possibly be right here in Allen?
Miss Brenda was able to contact Pa, the infamous leader of the legendary Underpants Gang. Pa immediately put counter-terrorist agent, Jack Bauer, in touch with Miss Brenda. Jack had managed to infiltrate the Underpants Gang when they were at the height of their nefarious, horror-inflicting days. Because of his vast array of disguises and his fluency in Arabic and Farci, Jack was compelled to take on this latest assignment.
Jack Bauer came to town and posed as Mike’s brother from Missouri. He enlisted Brenda as a covert agent and gave her the code name “Vino”!!!! He checked out the puzzles that Brenda had and immediately saw their meaning and had no doubts as to their intent. The convenience store was a sleeper cell and they were choosing new targets throughout the United States for destruction. They were paying Timmy to deliver the missives from the school library in the guise of Boggle puzzles. These cells were also suspected of providing supplies, money, and recruits to Islamic extremists throughout Europe and the Middle East as well as the United States.
Listening devices were planted and government agents were able to learn that faxes were being sent from the convenience store to the cities of New York, Boston, Atlanta, Washington, D.C., Seattle, Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. These faxes were sent to donut shops, dry cleaners, gas stations, and convenience stores – all businesses generally owned by Middle Eastern immigrants. It was also determined that all these businesses were located very near elementary schools.
From this information “Agent Vino” was immediately dispatched to the elementary schools closest to these businesses in the various cities. She spoke with teachers and other librarians about what she knew. It brought an immediate reaction from other teachers who had observed kids’ behavior but had not put the pieces together. She found out that similar happenings were occurring in each of these schools. Some teachers told her that these shopkeepers became friendly with poor kids who came into their stores. They offered the kids money in exchange for the puzzles. They told the kids that they wanted the puzzles in order to practice learning English. It was a diabolical plan that Agent Vino unearthed. The shop owners hoped that by never accessing these websites themselves that they would go undetected. However, Agent Vino’s brilliant mind and expertise at deductive reasoning spoiled their plan and saved the Western World!!!!
During the pre-dawn hours of the morning when the store was closed, a team of CIA, FBI, and Jack’s band of counter-terrorist agents were dispatched to install more powerful listening devices inside and outside the store. Cameras were also secreted away in order to capture any future action, obtain license plate numbers, and photograph the individuals thought to be terrorists. Within a few days it was shown that many strangers were entering the convenience store and leaving with copies of the puzzles. From the eavesdropping equipment, Jack Bauer was able to ascertain that the group of terrorists met in the backroom of the convenience store on Tuesday nights at 11 p.m. The leader of the group stated that he was having a mandatory meeting the following Tuesday in order to initiate plans for a soon-to-be attack. A plan of action was put into place and counter-terrorist agents were stationed around a perimeter of several streets from the store on the next Tuesday night. Trucks and cars used by CIA operatives were placed in some of the surrounding streets blocking traffic flow to appear as if they had broken down. This would slow traffic and avoid any of the radicals from escaping. The agents closed in surprising the suspects and arrested the entire cell quickly and without a hitch.
In his report to the President, Agent Bauer credited Miss Brenda, not only for her ingenuity, but, also for her courage in following her hunches. She saw something that was out of the ordinary and potentially lethal and went for help. Because of Miss Brenda’s involvement the U.S. government captured over 50 high-level terrorists. Agents have been able to extract important and critical information from them that is proving to save the lives of our soldiers and citizens. The events being planned were scheduled to be executed on American soil.
Because of his fluency in Arabic and Farci, Jack was continuing to monitor the computer and puzzles. It enabled him to assume the identity of one of the terrorists. Jack conversed with those in other sleeper cells. They had no idea that all their communiqués were being intercepted by U.S. counter-terrorist agents. Unfortunately, we have been instructed by the CIA not to elaborate on any further details of the case except to say that the captives turned out to be a major al-Qaida support cell. While all this was going occurring, the round-up and arrests made were kept from the press, TV, and the public.
So, fellow Americans, we have come this night to honor Miss Brenda’s patriotism and bravery. I have given you a short version of the entire escapade. It was actually far more harrowing than has been described. She fled down dark hallways and escaped many bullets, but she is too modest and asked that we not recount that happening to you at this time. We owe our security and safety to this patriot! Therefore, it is my pleasure to announce a surprise for our favorite librarian.
Miss Brenda, if you would please come to the podium…
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE….
Yay! You go girl! You’re a hero! We love you!…
The President has enacted changing the title of the Medal of Librarians Extraordinaire to demonstrate the magnificent actions you undertook in saving the United States and possibly the world from annihilation. From here to perpetuity this honor will now be known as the Miss Brenda
“B S” Award !!!!!!!!!!!!
The End
(Maybe not…)
We love you so much, Miss Brenda! Get well soon. You sure must be tired from your big adventure. We hope we made you giggle a little bit!! Get ready for our Boggle tournament!
Mucho hugs and love,
Connie, Sparkie, and Peaches
x x x