Connie would have laughed at this song selection for the funnies. We were coming back from San Antonio on December 27th, 2014. She was playing this song and was in such an upbeat mood she did not realize she was speeding. Yes, a state trooper pulled us over and gave her a ticket. She did her best to blame it on Barry Manilow, but it did not work.
I share these stories in loving memory of Connie, if she was here, she would tell them herself as she loved to laugh. Thanks, Connie, for always making me laugh. (I miss you!).
An Index to the Funnies 1968 — 1979
(Click to go directly )
Sprichst du Deutsch
A Short Movie — 1967
Dropped Blanket 1968
Shoe Exchange — July 1968
An Encounter with the FBI/CIA – 1969
The First
Cake of 1969
The Mute — July 1970
The Driving Test — August 1970
The Pee-Cans — Fall of 1970
The Laundromat — 1971
Shoplifting — 1971
St. Patrick’s Day — March 1971
InDoor Toilet — Summer 1971
Hamburger Smell and Vanilla Extract — 1972
Connie First Time Preparing A Thanksgiving Meal
The Red Socks – June 1973
Baby Sitters – July 1973
Japanese Hamburgers – July 1973
KFC — Summer of 1973
Barley or Wheat or Oats – September 1976
The Wrap Around Skirt – October 1976
The Firemen – 1976
Target – 1976
The Disappearing Milkshake – Spring 1978
Crying Wolf – August 1979
Sprichst du Deutsch — July 1966
This blog is supposed to be about Connie and my life together, but I am including this story only because Connie always thought it was funny.
I joined the United States Air Force in February 1966. I had a date to leave toward the end of February, but I received my draft notice for the United States for mid-February 1966. I called my Air Force Recruiter had him move up my start date to February 4th, I spent 6 weeks at Lackland Air Force base in San Antonio Texas for basic training and then 3 months in Amarillo Tx for Technical training.
I finished all my training around the 3rd week of June and then had about a month off before I was to report to Buechel Germany for my next assignment. I left Shelbyville, Tennessee on Monday, July 18th. I arrived in Charleston SC, late that night and spend some of that day seeing Charleston. My plane for Frankfurt Germany left late that evening around 10 PM and arrived in Frankfurt late that Wednesday afternoon on the 20th. I was put up at the AFB there and told to be ready the next morning by 8 AM as they would take me to the train station and put me on a train to Cochem Germany which was the biggest town near Buechel.
They took me to the train station and told me to get on the train that came at 9:11 AM not the one at 9:08 nor the one at 9:13 but the one at 9:11. So I did. Now here is where things started going wrong. Buechel is a German Air Force base with about 5,000 German soldiers and about 75 American soldiers. So, I thought I would learn a little German. I started trying to talk to people on the train and I would say “Sprichst du Deutsch?” everyone would start rattling everything off in German. I thought I was asking them do you speak English, but I got so confused I was asking them if they spoke German which of course I did. I should have said “Sprichst du English?”. The train ride was almost 5 hours and it took me 4 hours to realize I was not asking them if they spoke English. I noticed that the train did not stop very long at each station, so I was ready when we got to Cochem.
Now, I thought things would be ok but was I wrong again. They had told me that there would be someone there to meet me but there was not. Finally, after about 30 minutes, I decided to try to find somewhere I could exchange some American dollars for German Marks. I found a bank close to the train station and made the exchange. I then went back to the train station and tried to call the number I had been given. It turns out it was to the switchboard at the German base and after a few seconds of speaking English they would hang up on me. I finally located a gentleman that spoke English and he called and had the operator put me through to the American on the base. They were shocked to hear from me as they knew I was coming in July but had no idea that I was coming today. I lucked out as it was almost 5:30 pm and there was still one person in the office. He told me to stay there and they would send someone to get me. The German base was only about 20 minutes from Cochem, so they arrived pretty quickly. I was so thrilled that I had made it through the day. I was really tired but the guy they sent wanted to stay and have a few beers. It was about 8 pm before I finally made it to the base.
A Short Movie – 1967
I usually do not write about things before I met Connie, but I thought I would share this. To balance things out I have also written about Connie’s job between her Freshman and Sophomore year in College.
Back to the Shortest Movie. Since I was stationed on a German Air Force base we average about 75 personnel. We had an NCO club but we also had a building that contained a two-lane bowling alley with a snack bar and a theater that seated about 70 people. I along with two friends (Sam Click and Don Boyer). We open up at about 6 p.m. Monday through Friday and open up at noon on Saturdays and Sundays.
We also maintain a snack bar where we sold soda, hot dogs, chips candy, etc. When you worked you were responsible for the snack bar, the bowling alley, and showing the movie.
One evening I was really busy and messed up. The movie had three reels, but I messed up and mounted the third reel after the first instead of the 2nd reel. It took me about 5 minutes to realize what I had done. It was too late to correct it from my point of view.
Afterward, almost everyone leaving said that movie was the stupidest thing I had ever seen. The only good thing about it was that it was very short.
I never told anyone what I had done. No one showed up for the next showing of the movie. I guess the word got around that it was terrible.
Dropped Blanket — 1968
It was a Sunday afternoon in mid-June and a little chilly for summer. Connie and I had gone to a lake with her sister and brother-in-law. I had lost a ring that had been given to me by my father when I finished the 8th grade. We were looking for the ring when some of the Germans asked us what we were looking for and when we told them several of them started helping us look. Finally, one German lady said I found it. She dropped the blanket that she had wrapped around her to pick up my ring and handed it to me. As most of you know the Germans do not feel as uncomfortable about nudity as we do. Anyway, she had nothing on and here she is handing me my ring and Connie is trying to cover my eyes. The problem was my eyes were so wide open that Connie’s little hand could not cover them completely. Connie was always there to protect me whether I thought I needed it or not. Love you, Connie.
The Shoe Exchange (July 1968)
Connie could be a little mischievous at times. I learned this early on. It was July 1968 and Connie; her sister and brother and law (Danny) had taken me to Frankfurt Germany where I was to fly home. We went the day before and spent the night at a hotel near the Air Force Base. In Germany, you never wear your shoes into the hotel room, you leave them outside your door. The next morning starting early at about 6 AM Danny and I started hearing all this commotion in the hall. It kept continuing for the next forty-five minutes to an hour, so I went to check out what was going on. Lo and behold someone and switched everyone’s shoes around including mine and Danny’s. Guess who had caused all the ruckus, yes it was Connie. Late that night she went and switched everybody’s shoes from their room to someone else room. Thank goodness, she kept them in pairs. That was just the beginning of my adventures with Connie. I sure do miss them.
An Encounter With The FBI/Secret Service — 1969
It was kind of strange, but it did happen. The FBI/CIA show up at Forbes Air Force base and wanted to talk to me. The previous night, I and a few other friends including my boss who was a staff sergeant were having drinks at the Non-Commissioned Officer club (NCO) on a Thursday night in the fall if I rember correctly. I am not sure what we were talking about but I remember it was politics. It ended up with an argument about the president who had that time was LBJ. My sergeant said anybody could call up the president at any time and talked to him. We all had probably had a drink more than we should have. A couple of my friends and I disagreed with him and said there is no way you can call the president directly and talk to him. We ended up making a bet on it, if I remember correctly it was $5 which was a good size bet back then. So around 9 that evening he went to the payphone and called the white house and ask to talk to the president, but they would not put him through. So he paid up.
The next morning one of the guys took him to the airport very early as he was going on leave for about a week. I was at my desk when around 9 that morning one of the officers came and took me to a room where there were these two guys in suits. I wondered what was going on. They identified themselves as agents of the government. That when I got scared and thought on my goodness, what do they want with me. The way I remember it they were the CIA or maybe the FBI, I am just not sure now. Their question to me was why did my boss want to talk to the president. They had come to talk to him but found out he was on a plane to go on vacation. I told them what happened and it was nothing but a stupid bet, he really did not need to talk to the president. I was relieved when I found out what it was about. After talking to another couple of guys that were there that night they left. I guess it turned out to be ok. My boss the staff sergeant did not say much when he returns, just that he had talked to them.
The First Cake — Spring of 1969
The First Cake – Spring of 1969.
When I visited Connie, for the first time in the Spring of 1969, I met her mother and brother for the first time. After dinner, we were served a piece of cake for dessert, that Connie had made. That should have been my first hint about Connie’s cooking in the future but being so young and in love, it never really dawned on me that Connie’s talents might not lie in the kitchen. If I remember correctly it was a cholate cake with white frosting (but I could be totally wrong on that). The piece I got was fine as I thought it was good but then her brother-in-law made a comment and showed us the piece he had gotten. It was less cake and more frosting. Connie had given me a piece from one side which was great, but the other side was a bit slanted.
I remember in later years Connie was still saying why could not Danny just eat the cake and be quiet. Why did he have to point it out to everyone? In all fairness to Connie, hers was nowhere near that bad. The bottom piece was perfect as it was only the top piece that was slanted. So, a few very few got half cake and half frosting but a lot of it was ok. This will lead to another story in the future of Connie and Lizzie’s cake decorating class.
The Mute – June 1970
It funny as I can remember the exact day, time, and location that this story happened. We were traveling from Virginia Beach (where we had spent our honeymoon) and after spending the night in the car we were on the road again. Around 8:00 that morning, we had pulled into a place for breakfast and I believe it was in Johnson City. It was not an IHOP or Denny’s, but it was a place like that. After breakfast, we took off to continue our journey to Murfreesboro. I do not think IH-40 was finished at the time but if I was, we had to get off and take a detour. Right around 10:30, just before we were going to get back on the interstate we stopped. We were right on the line where the Eastern Time Zone changed to the Central Time Zone. This was a little old store like a 7-Eleven or Quick Stop but nothing else around. They had a big pen attached to the store and inside it was a bear. Now I was just joking when I said this to Connie when we go in there let me do all the talking as some people down here do not care for Yankees. Well, Connie thought I was serious. So, when I picked up something and ask her if she would like that she just nodded. Now the guy behind the counter was not so bad, he was not wearing overall, kind of a big guy, and still had some of his teeth. Connie would just nod her head every time the guy said something. The guys ask me if she could talk and I said no. Well, she a pretty little thing I am sorry she Mute. I got in the car and Connie and I started laughing. I said Connie you know I was joking right Connie said yes but said I did not say anything because the guy was scary. We had a good laugh for the next 10 miles. What I did not realize at the time was that Connie was very reluctant to speak when we went into stores for the first couple of months. Looking back on it that was kind of nice, I got to do all the talking. I really miss the fun you brought into our lives and I have come to appreciate the laughter you are still giving me.
The Driving Test — August 1970
The Driving Test – August 1970
I thought Connie was prepared for her driving test. But I was really in for a surprise. In Murfreesboro Tennessee, the driving test is not very complicated. Back in the 1970’s they did them on a Tuesday at the National Guard Armory. I have enclosed a picture of the building that used to be the National Guard Armory.
The parking lot was all gravel. Connie was taking the test in our Volkswagen. If you look at the picture, I was standing on the top step so proud of her knowing she would do great. The state trooper called her name and she walked out so proudly, and they got in the car. Now realize all she had to do was pull out of a gravel parking lot onto a two-lane paved road with trees on each side of the road drive up the road and come back. I was a little concerned at the start as she popped the clutch and the state trooper’s hat went flying into the back seat. But after that, she was doing great until I saw her pull off the road and go between two trees. I had no idea what she was doing. Then as she was ready to get back on the road she stopped, I was not sure why as there was a car coming but it was a long way off. She finally pulled out and stalled right in front of the car. I knew she was in trouble then. Finally, without any other incident, she pulled back into the armory and stopped. I could see her pointing at me so proudly. Anyway, the state trooper came up the steps and ask me if I was the one that had taught her to drive. Of course, I said yes, and he then said if you ever bring someone else like that out here to take their driving test, I will pull your licenses.
After we got into the car, I said Connie what happened, I said I understand you popped the clutch and threw his hat in the back seat but why did you pull off the road and go between two trees, and she said he said turn here so I did. There was a little gravel road about 50-75 yards away, that she could have pulled into and turned around but now she went between the two trees because the state trooper said turn here. Ok, I said but why did you wait so long and pull out in front of that car and stop. Connie then explained to me that at this time she knew he was really mad and wanted to show him she was a courteous driver, but he kept yelling go, go, go so when I went the car stalled.
I drove her home and have never seen anyone so disappointed and down. I drop her at the house and had to get back to work, as it turns out the state trooper came by the house later and Connie was so excited because she thought he was going to tell her he made a mistake, and she was going to get her license. But he had gotten so confused that he forgot to get her to sign the paperwork that she had failed.
We went out driving again that evening and she kept practicing. She wanted to go back and take the test again the next week, but I refused to go back that soon. She talked Barbara Paige into taking her. Barbara was the wife of one of the guys I worked with. Anyway, she came by a few hours later with a paper that she had passed her driving test and had a temporary license until they sent her the permeant one through the mail. I will never forget her saying to me “Sparkie, the state trooper asked me why I did not pass the last time and she told him I have no earthly idea’. Thanks, Connie for all the happiness, joy, and fun you brought into my life. I miss you every day.
The Pee-Cans – Fall of 1970
Connie was from Connecticut and I was from Tennessee so there was a little cultural difference when we got married. The nut pecan can be pronounced two ways; one is pe-con which is the way we say it in the south, but Connie pronounced it pee-can. We had only been married a couple of months when she had gone to Kroger’s and ask one of the workers there where the pee-cans were. After he asked her a couple of times and she kept saying pee-cans, he finally took her to the lady’s restroom. Needless to say, she was ready to go back North after that. It was over a year before she went back to that Kroger’s.
The Laundromat — 1971
I was going to school full time and working at a grocery chain called Cooper Martin. Right next door to the supermarket was a laundromat where Connie would do our laundry. I remember some of the guys I was working with (Jim Davis, Larry Paige, Ronnie Parker, etc.). They would take groceries out to the car and coming back in and look at me and start laughing. I was stocking the aisle I was assigned to. As we left that night, they all followed me over to the laundromat., I was wondering what was going on when Connie pulled out my suit that she had washed, and it looked like it might fit a three-year-old. Connie was horrified and all the guys were laughing so hard. But I took it in stride because I could see how devastated she was.
It was the only suit I had. Here is a picture of me wearing it when I was at her house in the spring of 1969. As you all know Connie liked hats and here, she is trying one out on me.
Shoplifting – Spring 1971
Connie, laugh so hard when I came home and told her this story. As I have mentioned in my blog, I worked at a grocery store called Cooper-Martin it was a chain in Tennessee back in the 1960s and 1970s. I was attending college and working full time. Since it was a college town, we had some shoplifting going on. Every now and then the manager or assistant manager suspecting someone of shoplifting and would assign one of us to keep an eye on them. This spring day I was assigned to watch a young lady from the university that the manager thought had been shoplifting. Sure, enough I caught her put some items in her purse. After she had checked out and not paid for them the store manager stops her and brought her to the back of the store where he confronted her and said that I had seen her put items in her purse. He threatened to call the police, she got so scared she pees on the floor right there in front of us. So not only did I catch a shoplifter I also got to clean up her mess. Oh, by the way, we never called the police or charged anyone as most of them were college students and the manager figured that catching and embarrassing them was enough to stop most of them. So, if you ever confront someone for shoplifting be prepared to clean up the mess.
St. Patrick’s Day – March 1971
It was March 1971, and since Connie was Irish (with a last name of O’Neill) she was excited about St. Patrick’s Day, here first in the south. It was a big celebration up north but as she soon learned it was not that big in Tennessee in 1971. I try to tell her it would be nothing like it was up north. So, when she was getting groceries in the grocery store where I worked, right before St. Patrick Day, she saw one of the guys I worked with a guy named Jim O’Brien. She went up to Jim and said Hey Jim — Happy St. Patrick day and he said what! She said I thought you were Irish, are you Scottish. Jim said no I am Church of Christ. Another difference Connie learned, and she never got used to it. In the south, unlike the north where it was about nationality in the south, it was what religion you belong to. Connie never ever forgot that story and never got used to people saying they were Methodist, or Baptist, etc. rather than saying they were Irish, German, or Italian.
InDoor Toilet – Summer of 1971
InDoor Toilet – Summer 1971
I am not quite sure of the year but it was either 1971 or 1972. Connie and I were visiting her sister and brother-in-law in New Jersey. We had been to visit a couple of times and they were always kidding me about my accent.
I decided to give them something to remember me by. I took a pair of overalls with me. So when they went to the grocery store Connie and I went with them.
As her sister was checking out this was my time to play a prank on them. As the checker was ringing up the groceries, I put on my best southern accent which was not hard for me, I looked at the checker, and in a good southern drawl, I said “Maam do you have one of those indoor toilets here”.
Needless to say, I did embarrass them and they teased me very few times after that about my accent.
The only problem with it was that it embarrassed Connie also.
Hamburger Smell and Vanilla Extract – 1972
That Hamburger Smell and Vanilla Extract – Spring 1972
These are two different stories, but I have chosen to put them together because they both happen at Copper-Martin the grocery store where I worked. It seems shoplifting always occurred more in the spring I am not sure why and most of the time it was kids from the college.
There is this one case, and I am not sure you would even call it shoplifting but we always knew that when this one elderly lady came in what we had to do. We never approached her or bother her because I think we all felt for her. She seemed nice but every time she came in, she would stop by where the vanilla extract was and open a bottle and take a swig from it and then put it back on the shelf. Now, remember she had to take it out of the cardboard box it was in and put it back. We assumed she was doing it for the alcohol content but never really knew for sure. We just kept an eye on her and even if we did not see her, we knew to go check the vanilla extract and we would find one that was not quite full. It is just something that happened and everybody from the store manager on down knew she did it. I was at that store for a little over 3 years and no one ever said a word to her, after she left, we would go take the bottle off the shelf. Sometimes, I wonder why, if it had been anybody else, we would have done something. As I look back at that time, I am so glad that we did that. She was just a little old lady who would have been horrified if she thought anyone knew, but she was someone mother, grandmother, wife.
I was on shoplifting duty one day during that spring. Sometimes, we would go up above the ceiling tiles and for the most part, we had to step on two by four to make our way around. The best place to look was right over the meat market. We only went up there when the manager thought someone was shoplifting but we had not been able to catch them. Anyway, I was up there watching this young college student, a guy in his early 20’s. Sure enough, I saw him plain as day putting an item in his pants. I was kind of excited because I felt now, we had him. I was getting down to go upfront to see if he paid on the way out and inform the manager. Then it happened, I missed one of the two by fours and down through the tiles I went. Luckily, the fall was not very far as I fell onto a table where they were packaging hamburger meat. There must have been 30 to 40 lbs. of hamburger on that table. I hit on my feet and then slip and feel in it. I was not hurt but after the meat people working in the meat department quit laughing the meat manager was not too happy with me as he was going to have to throw all that hamburger meat out.
It was midafternoon, so I called Connie to come to pick me up because there was no way I could work at the store smelling the way I did. After all, if I did every fly in the county would have been on me. I had not told Connie, what had happened, just that I was getting off early. She finally pulled up in the little Volkswagen and I rush out, open the door, and got in quickly. I wish you could have seen her face as she looked at me and said Oh my goodness, you smell like hamburgers. When I told her, what had happened she could not stop laughing. After that and my other experience with shoplifting, I ask the manager not to ask me to do that anymore. He was glad as he said the meat department could not afford to lose that much hamburger to catch a shoplifter.
Connie, you had a way of making the most awkward things I did, seem funny and I thank you for always doing that for me.
Thanksgiving – November 1972 — Connie First Time Preparing a Thanksgiving Dinner
You guys will probably think that this does not belong in “The Funnies” and when it happened, I would have agreed with you but over the years it was one of the things Connie and I looked back upon and would laugh about it.
Connie’s mother had come down and was staying with Connie’s sister and Connie’s sister’s husband had also come for Thanksgiving.
The previous two years we had Thanksgiving at my mother’s, but this year Connie was going to do it.
It did not start out too well as we were not sure what to do with the Turkey that had thawed out. After talking to her sister and her telling us we needed to pull the giblets from the turkey’s butt, things started going bad. Neither one of us wanted to stick our hand there and we were going back and forth like a cartoon, “No You Do It”– “No You Do It”– “No You Do It”– “No You Do It”– after about 5 minutes of trying to decide who was going to do it, we came up with the perfect solution, neither one of us was going to do it. We would cook the turkey with the giblets remaining in there.
Connie had everything going on the stove, and I went down to the car for something only gone about 5 minutes and I walked back into a disaster. It seems Connie was going to make some candy and was heating up some paraffin when it caught on fire. Luckily when I walked back in, she had put it out. But she did it by throwing laundry detergent over the whole top of the stove. The carrots, the corn, the mashed potatoes were all ruined.
While Connie, try to get the kitchen cleaned up, I left and tried to find a store open, but back then nothing was open on Thanksgiving Day. After about thirty or forty-five minutes, I came back empty-handed. What were we going to do all the vegetables had been ruined? All we were going to have was Turkey and rolls.
It was time for me to leave and go pick up my mother which would take me close to an hour and a half. So, Connie started going around to all the neighbors borrowing corn, potatoes, carrots, etc. Luckily, she found enough to get the Thanksgiving dinner going again. I got back with my mother a few minutes before Connie’s mother, sister, brother-in-law and their two young kids arrived. Connie just told them that dinner was running a little bit late. We were supposed to eat around one, but it was after two before we got to eat. If I remember right, she forgot to do the bread until we sit down for dinner. I do not remember exactly what she did to hide the burn spot on the wall just over the stove, but it was good because none of them noticed it.
I will have to give her a lot of credit as she pulled it off under a lot of stress. There were too many comments. I do remember her brother-in-law saying Connie, you forget to cook the carrots. We never did have the candy she was planning on making.
It was an incredibly stressful day for Connie, as my mother was such a good cook and Connie wanted to impress her. Well maybe that did not happen, but it was ok for her first time preparing a Thanksgiving dinner.
While it was not funny at the time, Connie and I could both look back upon it, and would bring us laughter. Thank you, Connie, for the memories.
The Red Socks – June 1973
This story has been told many times by Connie and me over the years but for those who have not heard it, I will share it.
I had started to work at Electronic Data Systems (EDS) on June 1st, 1973. It was my first professional job out of college. It was an extremely conservative company. Suits, white shirts, lace-up shoes, and you must keep your suit jacket on unless you were sitting at your desk. One day at the end of the day my manager called me into the office and says Joel you cannot wear red socks with a brown suit. I was so embarrassed. Most of you know I am color blind when it comes to reds, greens, and browns, and other colors also but especially those. Anyway, I had done something to upset Connie the night before, so she picked out a pair of red socks for me to wear with my brown suit. Now while this may not sound funny to you and probably was not to me back then, it became something we laughed about and share with others over the years. I can still laugh about it. Now I can remember what I did to upset her believe me I never did that again.
The Baby-Sitters (July 1973)
Connie’s sister and husband were moving from Murfreesboro, TN. to Knoxville TN. They had asked us to take care of Connie’s nephew (Larry 3 ½) and niece Nancy (2) for a week while they moved. Since Connie and I had no kids we were concerned about this responsibility but knew her sister and brother-in-law needed help, so we agreed. I was able to get off early one Friday and Connie and I took off to Murfreesboro about a 5-hour drive to pick up the kids. We came back early Saturday morning and were feeling good; the kids were not crying, and we took them out to eat and things went well. In fact, things were going so well that first day and we decided to go to the drive-in movies, so we put the kids in the back seat and took off. I do not even remember what the movies were about, but we had gotten the kids something to eat and they fell asleep. Back then there were no car seats for kids nor seat belts in the back seats. Connie and I left the drive-in somewhere around midnight and had completely forgotten about the kids when suddenly I went over a railroad track too fast and then we hear these loud shouts and crying. The kids had fallen out of the backseat onto the floorboard. It scared them more than anything, but I think it scared us worse. They each had a small bump on their head but nothing serious. The next day they were sick as I guess we had given them too much junk food. Maybe that why they liked us so much because we let them eat what they wanted.
The week went kind of well. As those of you who really knew Connie, she hated to touch feet, so I was responsible for purring their socks on and off, which sometimes meant putting them on early in the morning while they were still asleep. You know Connie did it some too, but she always wanted me to do that. I thought we were doing fairly good but then the kids got what they wanted. One day I came home, and Connie was exhausted, and the edge of the carpet was still wet. She had heard the kids laughing and cutting up, she thought they were having a good time flushing the toilet, no harm in doing that until she looked down and there was water under her feet. It turns out the kids had put so m much toilet paper in the toilet that it was overflowing, and they just kept flushing and laughing.
Finally, the next Saturday came and we were to meet her sister and brother-in-law at a little town south of Cincinnati OH. We chose a place that was about the same distance for each of us. We left that Saturday morning at about 8 and were at the meeting place a little before 11 which was when we were supposed to meet. It was about a 3-hour drive for both of us. Eleven came and there was no one there to meet us, no big deal as her sister was already running late. Eleven Thirty came still no sister, we were really getting worried that something may have happened to them, but we had no cell phones back then, no way of knowing where they were. Finally, around twelve-fifteen her sister arrived, we all had a nice lunch, and the kids took off for their new home in Knoxville. We hated to see them go but I am not sure we did a good job of babysitting. But the kids enjoyed that week. Little, did we realize that we would not see them again for eighteen months?
Japanese Hamburgers – July 1973
Japanese Hamburgers – July 1973
Connie and I had moved to Indianapolis Indiana at the end of May 1973. We used to travel this road on the weekends to go shopping. From the road, we saw this sign in one shopping center and we were not sure what it said but we also saw a hamburger near the sign. Connie and I laugh about it for the longest time, thinking in middle America there was a Japanese hamburger place. It was probably late July or early August when we decided to pull into that shopping center and check it out. When we pull off it said Steak ‘n Shake. We said will at least that gives it an American Name. It finally hit us after we order that the sign for the place was not Japanese after all. This was really an American place. It finally hit us that their slogan “TAKHOMASAK” really meant Take Home A Sack. Well, we could not stop laughing about how long it took us to figure that out. Thank you, Connie, for the memories.
KFC — Summer of 1972
On June 1st, 1973, I started my professional career with EDS. I was on a Blue Cross / Blue Sheild account. There were 3 of us that started that day. The way EDS worked was you first went to an account to learn the business after that you went to a class to learn to program. There were three of us that started the same day. There were only about 9 of us on the account, including the manager and his assistant.
The manager’s wife invited all the new wives to a picnic around mid-July. I thought Connie had gotten me fired as she called the manager’s wife a weirdo because she was drinking hot tea in the middle of the summer. But nothing ever happened.
In the early part of July, the whole account attended a party at the assistant manager’s house on a Saturday evening. Everyone was supposed to bring something. Connie at that time did not want people to know she was not a good cook.
KFC was relatively new in that area and was not as well known as it is today. So we went and got some KFC chicken and Connie put it on a plate and pass it off as her. Several people asked for the recipe but Connie said it was a family recipe from her grandmother and she could not give it out. I am sure as the year passed they realized what Connie had done but by then we had moved to Dallas. Thank goodness Connie eventually came to be able to joke about her cooking or I do not know what we would have done.
Barley or Wheat or Oats – September 1976
Barley or Wheat or Oats? – September 1976
In September of 1976, we had moved to our first new house in Plano Texas. At that time most of the people moving into the home would have someone come by and do hydro-mulch for their lawn.
The process of hydro mulching involves spraying a slurry mixture of water, fiber mulch, fertilizer, and seed. There are multiple seed types available for hydro-mulch application but the most common here in North Texas is Bermuda grass seeding for full sun areas. The slurry is applied from a truck or trailer mounted tank and is sprayed via hose(s). The ideal time of the year for the warm season turfgrass seeding like Bermuda is during the Spring and Summer months. With warmer temperatures, the seed starts to germinate with 7-14 days, and you are off to a beautiful lush green lawn.
I had my yard hydro-mulch about a week after we had moved into our new house. About three days later my neighbor across the street Tim had his done. When he told me how much he paid I was flabbergasted as he paid less than half of what I did. After our lawns start coming in, I had Bermuda grass and we were not sure what they sprayed in Tim’s yard, but it was definitely not grass. I was giving Tim a hard time as we could not figure what kind of seeds, they had used for his hydro mulching. Eventually, he was able to get them to come out and redo his yard. I always teased him about that.
The Wrap Around Skirt – October 1976
The Wrap Around Skirt – October 1976
We had moved into our first home in September. It was in a brand-new subdivision with people about our ages all moving in this section of the new development from August to December. The gentlemen two doors down also worked at EDS in the banking division. Connie had noticed that he was always home around 3 o’clock every day and it was usually after 6 when I got home. So, she asks me why I had to work so many more hours than he did. But I did not have a good answer. Connie had gotten to know his wife and they seemed like a nice couple. We all agreed to go out to dinner one Friday night. Now, this is the first time we had ever gone out with this couple. We figured it would be a good time to get to know them. We decided on an Italian place down near North Park on Northwest Highway. It was great with singing waiters, who brought you wine and they had people singing all during your dinner. Connie and the other couple had a little wine and then some more and then maybe a little more. At least I was driving and did not have any. We really had a good time as we had gotten to the restaurant about 7 and it was after 11:30 when we got home.
I cannot remember the lady’s name, but his name was Chuck, and they were from the Washington DC area. I remember her father was wealthy and big in one of the political circles. Anyway, Connie and I were both in for a shock. When we got out of the car in our garage, we asked them if they want to come in and they said yes. But as soon as we started in the house Chuck’s wife had a wraparound skirt on. When we got into the house, she had removed her skirt and had nothing on underneath but her pantyhose’s. Immediately as Connie turned around and saw her, she said would you please put your skirt back on. Which she did. Not sure I would have said it as quickly as Connie (just kidding guys). I could tell Connie felt uncomfortable because within seconds after that she suggested we go for a walk around the neighborhood to get rid of some of the calories from the big meal we just had. Since it was still a warm October night that what we did and walk up and down several streets looking at all the new homes going up.
I do not think we ever had them in our house again or went out with them but remain friends and would talk to them in the neighborhood. It was a few months later we found out that they were nudists. A couple had moved in across the street and had put aluminum foil up in their front bedroom that face Chuck and his wife’s house. It was their daughter’s bedroom who was in elementary school may be the fourth or fifth grade. That bedroom faced Chuck and his wife’s kitchen in which sometime at night they would appear nude as they would get something from their refrigerator. Anyway, it was something that they did not want their daughter exposed to and they were afraid with just curtains or shades she might still peak out. I am not sure how long they kept the aluminum foil up or what they replaced it with.
The next summer was amazing as we lived near a small local airport and she would sunbathe in the nude in the backyard. Now the yard was fenced in, but we could tell she was out there by all the planes flying over or her next-door neighbor all the sudden getting on his roof to inspect it.
After about 18 months, they moved back to the Washington DC area as Chuck changed jobs and the company he worked for. Connie and I ran into Chuck again when I was in Hawaii in 1982 on a business trip. Chuck was getting off an elevator at the condominium the company was putting us up at, as Connie and I were getting on. He told us he and his wife had gotten a divorce shortly after moving back to DC.
I wish I could remember the lady’s name and sometimes when I am writing one of these stories, it makes me miss Connie a little more as I know I could turn to her and she would remember not only his wife’s name but their last name. She was so good at remembering names. But Connie and I always had a little laugh when we told the story and she would always say Sparkie, why didn’t you tell her to put her skirt back on. I would always use the excuse you did not give me time and she would say but would you have and give a little smirk saying I sure am glad I was here to protect you. Thank you, Connie, for always looking out for me but you could have taken a little more time telling her to put her skirt back on (just kidding).
The Fireman – 1976
Connie and I had just moved into our first house in Plano. We had only been there a few weeks when I come home, and the windows are all open and there still a smoke smell. It turned out that Connie was cooking and went out into the yard to do some work. She was cooking chicken (I think) but anyway some grease had spilled over and started a lot of smoke. One of our neighbors saw the smoke and called the fire department. Connie took it very well. The next evening when I got home the fire department was there. Connie was cooking again and forget to clean the grease out of the oven. Anyway, another of our good neighbors called the fire department again. Connie was so upset about all the trouble she had caused them that she offers to make them a cake. They said, “that ok please do not cook,” I think they meant for a while. Anyway, we often laugh about it. We would tell people That the fire department did not want one of Connie’s cakes. Now in fairness, she made great cakes, but it shows you her sense of humor as she loved to make people laugh even at her own expense.
Target – 1976
Connie was good at pulling jokes on me at first because I guess I was very gullible at the time. We were living on Brockbank in Dallas in 1976 and it was before we moved to our first home in Plano. Connie had picked me up from work and had a sad and concerned face. So immediately I said what wrong Connie and she said Sparkie, we may need to hire a lawyer because I may have to go to court. Now I was really concerned and asking to tell me what happened. This is the story she told me. She said Sparkie I was at target and this older lady (remember we were still in our 20’s) approached Connie and told her she looked just like her daughter that had passed away and could she call Connie’s daughter. Connie got away as soon as she could without answering. As she was checking out, she looks over at Connie in the other line and said, bye daughter. Connie just mumbles a bye. As she started to leave the other checker said you need to pay for your mother’s, she said you would. Connie said she, not my mother and left her basket and took off after them. The lady was just getting into the car when Connie grabbed the door. Meantime a target employee had come out of the store and was headed right to them. As Connie opened the door the lady started kicking her, so Connie grabs her leg and starts pulling it and pulling it. Then she said just like I am pulling yours now.
Disappearing Milkshake – Spring 1978
The Disappearing Milkshake – Spring of 1978
It was late spring of 1978 and Connie and I was out for a ride. It was around 2 PM on a beautiful Sunday afternoon when I decided I wanted a milkshake. I ask Connie if she wanted one and she said no. I remember I ordered a strawberry milkshake because I usually got chocolate. In Dallas, in 1978 the main road running out of Dallas north was a street called Central Expressway. It was 4 lanes of asphalt two going each way. The problem was getting on and off as the road. The entrances to the expressway were extremely short and in a lot of places they had a light that would turn green when they thought it was safe to enter the highway, but you could never count on the lights being correct, you had to be very careful. Because of the danger I ask Connie to hold my milkshake and after successfully getting on Central Expressway, I drove for about 10 minutes and when I thought the traffic had slowed down enough, I ask Connie for my milkshake. Well, when she handed it to me it was empty. I had been so busy with the traffic I had nor even noticed she was drinking it. I took a sip of air in the straw and looked d at her with her mischievous little grin and smile. She said I am sorry let’s stop and get you another one. Her little grin and mischievous smile still make me laugh to this day thinking about it. Every time we order a milkshake after that we would just smile at each other. By the way, I never ordered a milkshake again without ordering her one even when she said no. Thank you for the precious memories, Connie.
Crying Wolf – August 1979
It was August 1979, and I was working in Plano in a small building. Back then we did not have PCs, but dumb terminals and they were not on individual desks. We had a bay of about 24 with 12 on each side. Around 9 that morning I had to go up front to where all the manager’s office were. I was getting ready to leave when the division manager came out of his office and told me to go tell everyone to evacuate the building as there had been a bomb threat called in.
That was very credible at the time as we had terminated an employee the day before and it did not go well as she was very upset and caused a major scene.
Anyway, as I got to where the bay of terminals where I said I need your attention now. When all had stopped to look at me, I told them we needed to evacuate the building as there was a bomb threat. They looked at me for a few seconds and turned around and went back to work. Everyone knew me to be a prankster, but I was finally able to convince them. There was a brand-new mall that had just open about a month before only about a quarter of a mile from where our offices were, so we spent the next three hours over there.
I realized sometimes it not good to be a prankster but unfortunately, I still played pranks on people. I do have some good ones to write about later.