An Index to the Funnies 1980 — 1999
(Click to go directly )
The Shoe Toss – 1980 or 1981
The Purse – March 1983
Toenails – 1986
The Baby – 1986
The Speeder – September 1987
The Wedding Crasher – Spring of 1989 or 1990
The Breakfast of Champions – Early 1990s
The Baby Bet – January – 1993
Cookies – 1993
Not Everyone Want to Talk to You – 1994
People, People, People – mid 1990s
Traditions – mid 1990s
Water Skiing – mid 1990s
Is He Dead – mid 1990s
The Phone Call — mid 1990s
The Affair – Spring 1997
Mr and Mrs Unk – Early 1997
Embarrassment in Hope Arkansas – Spring 1998
Pervert Patrol – 1999
The Shoe Toss 1980 or 1981
It was the early 80’s. I am not sure whether it was 1980 or 1981 but I know it must have been early fall as it was getting darker earlier than normal, but it was not cold or even cool that evening.
During my early years at EDS, we went to Happy Hour on a lot of Fridays after work. There was always a good crowd from our group that went, usually somewhere around 10 to 12 people. I remember one-time Linda, was with us and she had too much to drink, so I offer to take her home if she could get someone to bring her back on Saturday to pick up her car. Now Linda did not like to wear shoes and took them off as soon as she got to work and usually did not put them on unless she had to go to a meeting, or it was time to go home. So, I ended up giving Linda a ride home.
Unfortunately, I had told Connie that I would take her to Chili’s that night for a night out. I was supposed to be home by 6:30 pm but did not get there until a little after 7 pm. I just said sorry I lost track of time. She was already upset with me for being late and back then we did not have cell phones to call ahead. Since I knew she was upset, I was not going to tell her that I was late because I took Linda home.
We lived in a little town called Allen which only had a couple of fast-food restaurants and one red light at that time. So, we had to drive to the next town Plano, which was much bigger and had a lot of restaurants. The main road through Allen was a tiny two-way street and we had to pass several fields of farmland growing corn, wheat, etc. to get to Plano.
It was dark and as we were driving, I looked down and saw these shoes on the floor between us. My thoughts were OH my goodness (probably a little saltier language than that), Linda had left her shoes in the car. It was probably a stupid decision, but I decided to distract Connie and throw them out the window into the cornfields. There was no way, I wanted to upset her more, what would she say finding another woman shoe, in my car. Even though she knew Linda and had met her several times, there was no way I wanted to upset her more tonight. So out went the shoes.
When we arrived at Chili’s, Connie did not get out of the car, so I said she is upset so I went to open the door for her, and she still did not get out. So, I said Connie, what is wrong, and she said I cannot find my shoes. My first thoughts were (oh ******) you are in big trouble now!!! I had just thrown her shoes out. You will not believe what happened next. To see how the evening turned out you must read below.
How the evening turned out:
Not all of what I just wrote is true, but Connie and I would tell the story that way for years to come to break the ice with new people, make people laugh, or just have some fun. Now what is true and what is not…. It true that I gave Linda a ride home, but she did not leave her shoes in my car, those were Connie and no I did not throw them out as I could never distract her enough thank goodness. At dinner, I told Connie that I had given Linda a ride home and had almost thrown her shoes out. We had a good laugh about it and said let make the story even better. So, we always told the story that way but then told people the truth. It was a great ice breaker and always good for a laugh. There are other stories like that but one now and then is enough.
The Purse – March 1983
We were at the airport getting ready to board our plane to Sint Maarten and Saint Martin when this mobile lounge (at least that what I think they called it) came
to take us from the terminal to the plane out on the tarmac That is the only time I have ever been on one and maybe the only time I ever saw one. Connie and I boarded it along with several other people that were on that flight. It was interesting as we had never seen getting to a plane this way. The mobile lounge was amazingly comfortable.
and we were enjoying talking to the other people who would be going to the same island. We boarded the plane and settle into our seats which were the very first row in coach, I am not sure why I remember this, but Connie was in the window seat and I was next to her. I cannot remember if it was a middle seat or if there were only two seats on that side of the plane.
We were so excited and just talking away when the stewardess announces that someone had left their purse in the mobile lounge. Connie starts telling me how sorry she felt for them as all their money, passports, documentation was probably in the purse. After about two or three minutes the stewardess started describing the purse and said the mobile lounge would be leaving shortly. As she was describing the purse Connie jumped up scaring me half to death and said that my purse Sparkie and took off to get it. When she came back and after calming down, we were able to laugh about it. I do not know what would have happened If she had not claimed it. Thinking of you Connie for not getting us stranded in the Caribbean.
Toenails – 1986
Most of you know that Connie had a real aversion to feet. She just did not like feet and did not like to touch her own much less anyone else. In November of 1986, I had both hips replaced at the same time and my toenails had grown. Connie’s mother came down in November and stay about 6 weeks while I recovered as Connie was working full time. My toenails had grown and ask Connie to cut them but there was no way she was going to do that. It was in the evening and we were watching TV, so her mother said she would do it. Connie got her mother a pair of scissors and gave them to her. Now here is her mother with my foot in her hand a part of scissors near my toes and she said, Sparkie, I cannot see very well. I jerked my foot out of her hand so quickly, I thought I had hurt my hip. Then the three of us started laughing and we laughed so hard we almost cried. Needless to say, I did not get my toenails cut that night but the next day Connie made sure her mother had her glasses on before she started cutting my toenails. Connie, her mother, and I laughed about that for almost 25 years. I miss you, Connie.
The Baby – November 1986
It was Tuesday, November 18th, 1986, and I was having both of my hips replaced on the same day. The surgery was supposed to be earlier, but they came to get me about noon and took me to a waiting area to prepare me for surgery. Connie was able to come with me. I was extremely nervous and was talking more than usual if you can believe that. Anyway, the nurse was cutting up with me, and then all of a sudden, she said, I have always wanted to see a man waking up in the recovery room with a baby in their arms. Now Connie was jumping in and teasing me too. They were saying now be careful and do not drop the baby when you are coming to. They were teasing me so much and laughing up a storm that I was convinced this crazy nurse may try something like that. From that day on, Connie would tease me right before I went into surgery that I was going to wake up with a baby in my arms. I was always afraid that she might pull it off someday. Not necessarily with a real baby but have someone put a doll in my arms. I can still imagine the nurse saying Mr. Buntley you have a beautiful baby daughter. Thank you, Connie, for always being able to take my mind off that surgery and all the surgeries that followed.
The Speeder – September 1987
As I started this page with an introduction about why I had chosen the music which is what she was listening to when she got a ticket at the end of 2014. While Connie was a very good driver much better than me and she made sure everyone knew that. I hardly ever did I see her speed around town but when we went on long trips I would glance over as see the speedometer closing in on 80. I was always telling her to slow down but as soon as I dozed off or if she did not think I was paying attention the speed would climb back up there.
Now while I just said she usually did not speed locally this time she did. Connie worked in Plano and it took about 20 minutes to get home. We had two shelties at the time Brandy, and Misty. She would always go home for lunch to let them out and then go back to work. For those of you familiar with the area back then Coit Road was a two-lane road and there was nothing on it but fields of corn, wheat, etc. after you got past Parker road.
We had just bought Connie a new car at the end of May 1987. It was a Pontiac Sunbird convertible a very pretty blue color. This day she was in a rush to get home for lunch and she was pulled over for speeding and I mean speeding. She was doing about 75 at least that the amount she admitted to me, it could have been more. But I was surprised they did not take her to jail. The policeman cautioned her about speeding especially how fast she was going, and you know what she told him — “Oh, officer” you do not have to worry this car has great brakes”. She told me she knew as soon as she said it was the wrong thing to say but she was hoping the officer would laugh but he did not and gave her a very stern lecture. Sometimes she could say the darndest thing. I miss that Connie.
The Wedding Crashers — 1989 or 1990
The Wedding Crasher – Spring of 1989 or 1990
Remember the movie “Wedding Crasher” well Connie and her friend Chris really crashed one at least the reception. We had gone into Dallas to one of the fancier hotels for a nice dinner with our friends Frank and Chris. Frank and I were all dress up in our best suits and tie the girls had on lovely long dresses. We had a wonderful meal and time. After dinner about 9 or 9:30 pm, Connie and Chris just want to walk around the hotel and look at everything. It turns out we came upon this ballroom where there was a wedding reception going on. It was a big one probably a couple of hundred people in there and you could tell it was a very expensive wedding with champagne, liquor, etc. apparently flowing freely. There were waiters and waitresses all walking around carrying what looked like very exquisite food. Connie and Chris want us to all go in, but Frank and I were having nothing of it. Well, they were not going to be stopped and went in anyway. There was a guest book at the door to sign, so we see them going up there and signing the book and going in. Frank and I move up t from the reception area and found us a place to sit. It was a good thing we did because they were in there for about 40 minutes. When they came out, they were a little tipsy. We got them out of there fast and they were giggling and laughing all the way home, they just could not stop. Connie had signed the guest book as Julia Roberts, and I do not remember whose name Chris used but it was one of Charlie’s Angel, I think. They were giggling so hard about the people finding out that those famous names sign their guest books. They would ask people where they guest of the bride or groom and tell them they were guests of the other. Like her father and mine were good friends when they were in high school together. Some of the stories they came up with were hilarious. I think Connie even fell asleep that night giggling. Oh, how I miss your spontaneity, Connie. Thank you for always making my life fun and exciting.
The Breakfast of Champions — early 1990s
The Breakfast of Champions – the early 1990s
I was on a study in Pennsylvania just outside Philadelphia. It was close to Villanova University because we took a couple of trips there in the evening to see the campus. I had been there with two or three other people back in July or August on a sales call. We were able to sell the Insurance company on a 4-day study to determine the cost of converting them off their current insurance system to the one we sold and maintained called Equity Plus. The salesman was there on and off that week. The sales support person was Diana, and then we had a marketing support person and a study team leader, while I headed up the technical team. So, in total, we had about seven or eight people. We were staying at a Marriot Courtyard and they had free breakfast. I cannot remember his name, but I do know he had something for breakfast twice while we were there that I thought I would never see ad have never seen again. The first morning it happened, I thought I was imagining things. He had gotten a bowl of Fruit Loops and a Pepsi Cola, he then proceeded to put the Pepsi Cola in the Fruit Loop, and what a sizzle it made. I cannot imagine what a sugar high he must have been on all day. What really surprised me was that he did it again a couple of days later. I would have never thought of anyone eating that for breakfast and have never seen anything close to that since.
The Baby Bet – January 1993
In the Insurance Division, I worked there was a young lady named Alyce and when I was managing at one time her husband worked with me. So, I got to know her and her husband quite well. She was expecting and was miserable, so I kept telling her she was going to be late. The baby was due on January 4th, I kept telling her it would be at least the 15th after that, and she kept insisting she would have it earlier. So, we made a bet and whoever won had to buy the other one lunch. My bet was she would have the baby after the 10th, her bet was she would have it before the 10th. If she had it on the 10th then no one would win. It turns out I was the biggest baby of all.
On Thursday, January 7th, I had periodontal gum surgery and they had to put me under anesthesia for it. Connie had taken me in around noon for a 1 pm appointment. I had taken some valium before I went and then they put me under. I do not remember anything until Friday morning. Connie and the nurse got me into the car and Connie was able to get me in the house and bed.
The next day was painful, and all I ate was some soup. It just seemed so painful; I remember staying in bed almost all day.
On Saturday, I was still complaining when a phone call came in around 10 am. We missed it but Alyce had left a recording. Connie picked it up soon afterward and play it for me. Alyce had a baby boy and had named him Ryan. She called to make sure I knew she had won the bet and she was in really good spirits and upbeat. I think Connie and I called to congratulate her, and she was so bubbly you would have never thought she had given birth only an hour and a half before. That when Connie, told me I was a big baby, here was Alyce who had just given birth an hour ago and was so upbeat and joyful, and I was still laying around and complaining after two days and she was so much better than me only an hour after giving birth. I do not know how many times Connie played that message for me, but it was a lot and I thought she would never get rid of it.
I would tell Alyce later that I did not mind losing the bet but her making me look like a big wimp to Connie was too much. I said you could have told me a few days later and she said, I just wanted to make sure you knew you had lost. I guess I had been pretty cocky that I would win.
Connie would never let me live that down. Anyway, she wanted to go out to a place called “Good Eats “, for lunch. Now I did not want to go but after what had just happened, I need to show Connie I was tough, so we went. Now all I had was soup, but I did it. To this day, I cannot believe how Alyce sounded on the phone, it was like she had just stub her toe and it was no big deal. A few years later she had a daughter, and it was the same not hardly any time in labor.
Cookies – 1993
I made be wrong about the year, but I think this was the year. I had finished the Technical Consulting Program in June of this year. They were training us in a lot of the new PC technologies. They were about 15 people per class, and I was in the 6th or 7th class that they gave. After the class, I was assigned as the Senior Lead Technician for developing a PC based Workers Compensation System (WCRS). It was a small team of fewer than 10 people, but it was the first PC-based system that the Insurance System developed. During the fall as the project was getting off the ground and we were at full staff, I asked Connie to make some cookies that I could take in for the team. I thought she would just buy some at the grocery store and put them in the oven. But she surprised me and decided to make them from scratch. I do know it was a Friday morning and I took the cookies into my office. I asked the team to come into my office and gave them some cookies. The next thing I knew they were all spitting them out and throwing them in the trash can. Luckily, I knew everyone on the team. I then tasted one and I too could not spit it out fast enough. I do not know how but she had put salt in the cookies, and I do not think I have ever tasted a more salted cookie or even one that was worse than that. Connie was horrified when I told her.
Not Everyone Wants to Talk to You – 1994
Not Everyone Wants to Talk to You — 1994
I guess I have always like to talk, not sure why. I would talk to anyone whether it was the CEO of the company or the lady serving lunch, it did not matter to me.
I must admit it started early. My first recollection is the first grade. On my first day in the first grade, the teacher made me sit in the hall for talking too much. Not sure how many times that was written on my report card but a lot.
In June of 1994, when Connie and I visited her mother we were on a ride on Saturday morning. Sometime between noon and one I stopped at a toll booth. Traffic was not that bad, and I got to talking to the lady in the toll booth. After about 7 or 8 minutes she said you need to move on as there are several cars lined up behind you. Connie and her mother teased me about that the rest of the day. They were saying I was the first person to get a toll booth person to talk to them.
I think it was the next year and it was on a Sunday a little after one in the afternoon. Connie and I were going into one of our favorite Mexican restaurants called “La Finca “. This young African-American gentleman was coming out probably in his mid-20’s. He had on a beautiful suit. So, I stopped him and told him how nice the suite was and that it looked great on him. I guess I must have just kept talking as finally with his family waiting in the car and anxious to leave, he said I gotta go. As we sat down, Connie said to me for the first time but not the last, “Sparkie, Not Everyone You Meet Want to Talk to You “. She then explained to me that the guy had been trying to get away from me for five minutes. In the back of my mind, I wonder if it because she was hungry and was wanting to get to lunch.
About three years later, on a Saturday before Valentine’s Day, I called to order her mother some flowers from a florist near where she lived. I started the call around 9:45 that morning. I cannot remember what was going on, but we had to be at the church at 10. Finally, about 10 minutes till 10 she got me off the phone and we made it to church on time as we only lived about 5 minutes away. Connie wanted to know what in the heck did I have to talk about to a perfect stranger on the phone for over an hour. I then started telling her about the lady’s son who was stationed in Japan and was in the Air Force and where she grew up and how many other children she had. Connie just shook her head and said, I do not know why people talk to you when you and they are perfect strangers.
I did get the last word, as her mother called her on Valentine’s Day and said she had never gotten such a beautiful arrangement of flowers and not ever surpassed those.
So sometimes, you might just have to say as Connie would “Sparkie please stop talking” or “Sparkie can we have some quiet time”. I do not think there was a week that went by that Connie did not ask me to play the quiet game. She sometimes just wanted some peace and quiet.
People, People, People – mid 1990s
People! People! People!!! – the mid-90s
Connie and I were coming home from a meal out one night, It was in the fall or winter, I am not sure. I usually came home and picked her up several nights a week and we would go out to get a quick bite. I am not sure but I think we ate at a hamburger place called Scotty P’s that night.
We were on our way home and had just taken a road over Central Expressway (US75). I was coming down the other side of the overpass. It was a very dark night and there were no lights on the road. Connie yelled at me people, people, people and I slam on the brakes, think goodness our set belts restrain us.
I could see no people and was upset. I said Connie there are no people why were you yelling that. She said Sparkie you were going way too fast for the train track coming up and She could not think of the word train tracks so she just yelled people. Looking back on it afterward and now I can find a little humor in it but not at that time.
It turned out, that is something we used for many years afterward went we want the other one to slow down or stop, It became a way of saying you are going too fast.
Sometimes it takes a while, for things not to seem as bad as they were at the time they happened. I know I was upset because of her yelling that and it really scared me. But now I just wish she was here to say it again People, People, People.
Traditions – The mid 90’s
I am not sure this goes in the funnies but this is where I am going to put it. I cannot remember when it started but it was probably around the mid-90s. Connie had returned from Europe in 1968 the year that I met her with 15 cents in her pocket. Enough just to call home and have someone pick her up at the airport. She always liked to have some cash around the house and it was not a problem when she was working because she kept cash on her. After she quit working, I would give her cash that she kept hidden in the house in case she decided to go to lunch with someone or just wanted to go out and pick something up and not use a check or the credit card. When she would run low on cash I would stop by the ATM and usually get her about three hundred dollars sometimes more but usually, it was that amount. They were always in 20 dollar bills and I would hide them all over the house. She would find them in many different places, on the bed, on the kitchen counter, on top of the TV, in the pantry, etc. She enjoyed finding them and got a big kick out of it. I used to love her giggle when she found them. Most people will see this is as kind of stupid but for Connie and me it was always fun. To this day, I still have the money hidden in the house, and now and then I will take some out just to have some cash on me. I also continue to replenish it. The hard part now is there no need to hid it because there is no one to look for it.
Another thing that we did, but not as often was for our birthdays. While we were not big birthday celebrations, now and then we did something special. That special thing was to buy a gift each day for the seven days leading up to the birthday and hid it. So each day of the week of our birthdays, we would find a gift hidden somewhere. Ir was just a small little thing that let us know we cared about the other. Then on the birthday, we would give a nicer present. Looking back on it, I wish we had done it more often but if we had it would not have been as special.
Water Skiing – The mid 90’s
During one summer during this time, we had some interns work with us during the summer. We had two girls and one guy from Europe. I am not sure but one of the girls was from a Scandinavian country and the other I think was from Germany. I am not sure where the guy was from but maybe Austria.
I had a friend that I worked with whose name was also Joel. He had a boat and agreed to take them water skiing on a Saturday morning. Joel was flabbergasted when he came back into the office on Monday and told me this story. They were on the boat driving around the lake and ask them if they were ready to do some water skiing. They said yes, Joel though they had bathing suits on under their clothes they did not. They all 3 stripped naked and then put on their bathing suits. Joel said he almost wreck the boat several times.
After they had finished water skiing, they got back on the boat took off their bathing suits and got dressed again. Again, he almost wrecked the boat.
At least Joel said he had a weekend he will never forget.
Is He Dead — mid-1990s
I had a Friday off in the early fall, sometime around October or November. I had taken Connie to a Home Store because there was something she was looking for. A lot of the times I did not go in because she spent a lot of time looking around, so I stayed in the car. She must have been in there for over an hour. When she went to check out, all the ladies were gathered around the cash register and they were calling 911. They told Connie there was a dead man in the car out front. Since the checkout was right near the front door she looked out and saw they were talking about me. She laughed and said if you just go and open the front door a little bit you can probably hear him snoring. A few minutes later Connie knocks on the driver’s window and I jumped like crazy and she pointed to five or six ladies standing at the window laughing their heads off. She then told me they were getting ready to call 911 because they thought I was dead. She got a big kick out of not only scaring me when she knocked on the car window but watching all the sales ladies have a big laugh.
The Phone Call — mid 1990s
At EDS before a person got promoted their manager had to recommend them. This included a written report of the person’s talent, what they had accomplished, and why they deserve a promotion.
I remember when I was on a team to interview an Advanced SE whose manager had recommended them for promotion to Senior SE. There were two other Senior SE beside me.
After interviewing the person, we called the manager, that we were against the promotion. We did not have the final say but that was our recommendation.
The manager was not in, so we left a message that we did not think the candidate was ready for the promotion. Then we started to say that the manager should have never put this candidate in front of the board and probably some other things we should not have said. We had thought we had hung up the phone, but after about 5 minutes, we heard this recording is full hit 1 to keep 2 to start over or 3 to delete. All three of our hands hit the three buttons as fast as we could.
I am so glad we caught that because we should not have said some of the things we did. The 3 Senior SE dodged a bullet that day. Be careful and make sure you hang up if you are going to continue to talk.
The Affair – Spring 1997
Nope, not me. It was during one of my plane trips to Chattanooga. I eft every Monday morning around 6:30 AM during April, May, and June. Somewhere during that time is when it happening. I usually boarded as soon as they would let us and was always on Board by 6:10 or ^:15 and usually asleep when the plane took off. I always made my reservation in advance so I could have an aisle seat. This morning, there was a beautiful young lady in the middle seat next to me. I had already fallen asleep when this guys taps me on the shoulder and wanted to know if I would change seats with him as he and the lady next to me work together. He was in the aisle seat just across from me so I said sure. I must have dozed off, somehwere between 7:5 and 7:30 when I woke and noticed they were all over each other kissing, etc. I close my eyes and tried to make out that I was not looking but after a while, she said something that really struck me. She wanted to know if he had told his wife about them over the weekend. There was a bit of a discussion going on between them and she was not too happy. They had an animate but low conversation that ended with them kissing and making up. As I was waiting to get my luggage, I saw them again and it was then I recognized him. While I could not recall his name he had been at EDS a few times trying to sell us one of his products about a year before. I had been on a team evaluating the product. I think at that moment he must have recognized me also as he and the young lady, moved to the other end of the luggage pick up area. I know on the drive to Chattanooga that morning, I kept thinking about his poor wife and how he was betraying her. The other thing was how in the hell can you be making out on a plane that early in the morning.
Mr and Mrs Unk — Early 1977
In 1997, with any drug study for rheumatoid arthritis. This required me to be able to give myself shots in my thighs and my stomach at least once or twice a week. So I got talking to the lady who was teaching me how to mix the prescription with the purified water they had given me. We got to talking it turned out she was getting married that summer so I asked her what her married name was going to be and she said Unk. I thought she was joking but she wasn’t.
Since I was into genealogy, I decided to look up the last name Unk. It turns out there are several people with Unk as the last name. I asked her more about where the name came from. She told me that when her future husband’s grandfather immigrated to the US, they could not understand him very well, so they just wrote Unk for his last name (meaning unknown) and it’s stuck.
Embarrassment in Hope Arkansas – Spring 1998
Embarrassment in Hope Arkansas — Spring 1998
*Disclaimer – I am not sure about the year, but I am writing it as if it happened in 1998 but it could have been anywhere from 1998-2002.
In 1996, Connie and I bought a lot in Hot Springs Village Arkansas. The plan was we would retire thereafter I quit work. By owning a lot, we could visit and take advantage of all the amenities that they offered. We visited the place quite often from 1996 to 2004. Probably somewhere around 30 to 35 times.
It was a little over a 5-hour drive, and we usually stopped in Texarkana but for some reason, we went on to Hope Arkansas (birthplace of Bill Clinton) this time before we stopped.
Just off the interstate, there was a Wendy’s that we decided to pull into. I do remember that it was on a Saturday around 12:30 because the place was packed. There were at least 3 rows of place to park and then another row over by an empty field. We pulled into the row by the empty field so Connie could take our dog (Sugar or Peaches) to use the bathroom and give her some water.
I went on into Wendy’s and stood in a long line and finally got my order. It was very crowded. I walked out with a tray with two diet coke on each side and a bag of burgers and fries in between. It took two hands to carry it as I could not balance it with one. I was about halfway across the parking lot when the elastic in my blue shorts gave out. I could feel my shorts starting to slip down my legs. I yell at Connie and at first, she did not understand what was going on. Finally, as I got to the second row she understood and just started laughing like crazy. I had started spreading my legs wider in hopes of keeping my shorts up, but they kept slipping and were about halfway down my hips. I heard people going through the drive-thru yelling and laughing at me. As I reached the third row my legs were further and further apart, but my shorts were still going down (thank goodness, my underwear was clean). Connie was laughing so hard that she could not do anything. By the time I reached the car my shorts were halfway down my thighs. Connie still had not stopped laughing and there was a crowd gather back at Wendy’ looking out to see if I was going to be able to keep my shorts from falling all the way to the ground.
Well, I made it to the car with my shorts barely above my knees and sat the tray on the car and PULLED UP MY SHORTS. Connie is still sitting on the ground and laughing her head off. By the time I could get her to stop laughing the hamburgers and fries were turning cold and the ice in the sodas had almost melted.
Connie did not tell this story very often to other people because she knew it embarrassed me, but she did not mind teasing me about it every now and then. Also, she felt bad about not coming to help me, but she just could not stop laughing. I decided to share it because I still remember how hard she laughed, she always felt bad about not coming to help me, but she was paralyzed with laughter. I do miss her laughter.
Oh, by the way, we never stopped in Hope Arkansas again.
The Pervert Patrol – Fall of 1998
The Pervert Patrol – Fall of 1998
A man was coming around the church back in 1998 dressed as a woman. The priest had seen him and a couple of other parishioners. He would usually come on Sunday evening. After that mass, the middle schooler and high schooler got together for about 1 -2 hours of activities. So, Father Bradley was concerned.
Our priest started a pervert patrol (not Fr. Bradley’s name for this but mine). He would have people come and walk around so if the guys showed up, we would ask him to leave. Connie and I never saw him, but a few people did. He came dressed as a woman and would use the women’s restroom and leave.
Finally, Fr. saw him and talked to him. It turns out he was considering a sex change operation and one of the doctors (psychiatrist I think) who was working with him want him to go out in public dressed that way. Not sure whatever happened, but after Father talked to him, he never came back.
Toilet Paper – 1999
Sometimes, things you say even if you are joking have consequences. I had been working on several companies’ computer systems since late 1997 to make sure they were going to be compatible when the year 2000 roll around. Let me digress a little bit here and say why we had to do this. Just bear with me through some of the technical talks as I will eventually get to the real story.
Originally IBM developed two computer systems for Insurance companies to give to companies who would buy their computers. In early 1960, they developed a system for small insurance companies call Consolidated Function Ordinary (CFO), and in the late 60’s or early ’70s they gave away a free system to large insurance companies called Advanced Life Information Systems (ALIS) to support larger insurance companies and to take advantage of new hardware and software that were available.
If we had stuck with IBM design principles, we would never have had the year 2000 problem with companies running those systems. Since the companies were given the software free, then we were able to maintain and modify the software. For the CFO system, IBM used a MOYR code for dates. All data were stored in the number of months since 1900. With ALIS they went even further and used the number of days since 1800. If programmers had understood those dates back, then and adhered to them then there would not have been a date problem when the year 2000 came around. Bur after over 30 years of modification using the date, we are more familiar with MM/DD/YY, there was a ton of work to be done on all the old systems that had been around for a long time and even a lot of the new one.
Now with that explanation let me get around to the story.
A lot of people were worried about what was going to happen to the computer system when 2000 rolled around. Connie had asked me a few questions over the years but as it got closer, she asks more questions. I told her not to worry because if things went wrong, they would eventually get them corrected. I guess at some time in late October or early November, I responded to one of her questions with a smart alec remark not know she might take me seriously. I told her not to worry about the financial systems as they would get fixed if there were problems, but it might affect the manufacturing systems, as I was concerned that they might run out of toilet paper.
The next time I went to work, and I returned home we had about 100 rolls of toilet paper and I had either created the toilet paper queen or a toilet paper monster. From that day on we always had plenty of toilet paper and I still do after over 4 years without her.
But it went further than that. Every time we took a trip whether it was just overnight or a week-long vacation there was toilet paper in our car. Even when we went on a cruise, she packed toilet paper.
I do not know what kind of phobia, I created but whatever you would call the fear of not having toilet paper is what I created in her. After many years we would laugh about it, but she still brought toilet paper on trips and the house was always well-stocked with toilet paper.