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The Husband Give-Away – February 2000
The Tattoo Machine – Early 2000’s
The Deaf Deer – 2000
The Proctologist 2002-2006
The New House – March 2004
Underwear and the Coyotes – October 2004
The Microwave Radio – October 2004
Golfing – March 2005
The BURN Nurse – February 2006
The Liquor Store – 2006 or 2007
WII – 2009
Do You Have Kids
Chase Bank — 2009
Connie’s Pet Bobcat = 2010
The FBI 2011 – (I think)
The Key Lime Pie – 2012
Swedish Escort Service 2012 or 2013
The Husband Give -Away – February 2000
The Husband Give-Away – February 2000
I had both of my hips replaced in 1986 at the same time. Then on January 18th, 2000, I had to have one of them redone. It was late February and a beautiful day. About 1:30 p.m., I asked Connie to help me as I would like to sit outside at the end of our walkway. As I moved toward the end of the walkway on my walker Connie brought a dining room chair out that I could sit in. Connie helped me get comfortable. At some point in time, I must have fallen asleep with my head on the walker. Around 3 pm I woke up and noticed an elderly lady drive by just staring at me. Then she came by again. I called for Connie to help me back inside and that when I noticed a poster leaning on the front of my walker. When I looked at it, it said: “Free Husband Take If You Want”. Connie could not stop laughing at how she had pulled one over on me this time. She always made me laugh and that what I miss the most.
The Tattoo Machine – Early 2000’s
The Tattoo Machine – Early 2000’s
There was always a group of 5 or 6 people that went to lunch every day. But on this day, it was only Wayne and me. It was a Wednesday and Wayne were thrifty, so we went to KFC, where then you could get a chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, and a biscuit for $1.99. Now Wayne did not even buy a drink, he always just got water.
On this day, and I am not sure why Wayne mentioned his in-laws. His daughter was a veterinarian and Wayne, had gone to Louisiana for some reason but while there he met his in-laws. Now Wayne is a pretty easy-going guy. So, he was telling me about his visit. Then he told me his in-laws who bought a tattoo machine for their anniversary. I thought that was strange, but Wayne said they thought it was extremely sweet since now they could give each other tattoos on special occasions. We may have talked about it for a few minutes but then we got on to other topics. About 10-15 minutes later, Wayne just up and says, I think they should have gotten teeth instead. I thought he was joking but I soon realized he was deadly serious. He said Joel, I think they should have spent their money on getting their teeth fixed. I will never forget that conversation.
The Deaf Deer – 2000
Connie and I spent a lot of time visiting Hot Springs Village from when we bought the property in 1996 and through 2003. We only visited once after we bought the home here in 2004 and that was in 2006.
It was a beautiful place and we always saw a lot of wildlife, especially deer. Connie was really concerned about one running out in front of us. She did not want to hurt a deer nor get ourselves hurt. So I purchased a couple of deer alerts for the chevy blazer we had at the time and placed them on the front bumper.
One time we were up there on a long stretch of highway and I was probably going close to 40 mph which was the speed limit. Connie asked me to slow down. It was not quite nighttime but about dusk. I said Connie, I am not even doing the speed limit. She said what if a deer runs out in front of us. I said Connie, that why we bought the deer alerts to scare them off. She then looked at me and said what if it was a deaf deer. I had to pull over because I thought it was funny and I was laughing at her. But then she explained to me if humans can go deaf why not deers. She said maybe a hunter was too close to a deer and the blast from the gun causing him to go deaf.
Needless to say, I slowed down. Connie was always concerned about animals.
The Proctologist – 2002 -2006
I am not sure, what year this started but I think it was around 2002, maybe 2003.
Connie used to watch some of the doctor’s shows on in the afternoon, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz. One of our friends at church Mike was not a big fan of the show and would pick on Connie about them. From then on, Connie started calling him Dr. Mike.
One day we were talking to Mike and Brenda after mass, and some other people came over so Connie, introduced Mike o them as Dr. Mike. When they asked what kind of doctor he was Connie, immediately said that he was a proctologist. Even though Mike worked for AR&T, that started about 4-year of teasing between the two of them until it just finally wore out. ,
I remember the first time Mike got Connie really good. Connie had this condition where she would start coughing and could not stop, there was a bane for it but I can not remember. One day after mass when a bunch of us were talking Connie started coughing. Mike pulled out this surgical glove put it on his hand and said want me to fix your coughing problem. Connie broke out into laughter and that is the only thing that I saw that could ever get her to break out of her coughing spell.
This went on for many years with all kinds of different jokes, Mike sneaking up on her with the rubber gloves. At one of her birthday parties, I think Mike came in something that looked like a doctor‘s coat or he had a stethoscope around his neck or both. Anyway, he or his wife Brenda made Connie a diploma called BURN nurse and had it framed. It stood for “Butts Up Registered Nurse ”.
But like all things that go on for so long they run their course. Connie and I had Mike and Brenda out to the club for dinner one evening. Connie had written a book and on the back, she had a picture of Mike smoking a pipe. It was like a little paperback maybe 20 pages or so. The title of the book was “The End Is In Sight“ by Mike. At the dinner we had some waitresses and waiters bring the book over and ask for his autograph. I think that was too much attention for Mike and so after that, it just faded away.
The good thing is that Mike and Connie had several good years of fun out of it. Thank you Mike for making Connie laugh and happy.
Underwear and the Coyotes – October 2004
Underwear and the Coyotes – October 2004
Connie loved telling this sorry and she always did it in a way to make people laugh. Even though it was kind of embarrassing to me.
We had moved into our new place at the end of September 2004. There were 4 houses on our block, and we were the only ones to have moved in. There were no houses across the street and our nearest neighbor to one side was about 10 houses up and to the other side were two empty houses and beyond that, they were still building. We still did not have a fence around the backyard, so if Peaches (our sheltie) need to go out in the middle of the night Connie would take her to the front yard.
One Sunday morning around 1 AM, Connie wakes me up in a panic. She said you got to come with me right now, I could tell she was scared, and I just followed her, and she handed me two pots. Half asleep not knowing what was going on I followed her out the front door. There was a pack of coyotes about 40 yards from our house just staring at Peaches our sheltie. She yells at me to bang the pots. So here a 58-year-old man in his underwear banging pots together at 1 in the morning. Finally, after banging them loud enough the coyotes took off. We saw coyotes again but never when Connie took Peaches out in the middle of the night. Connie would tease me and say that I really did not scare them off but that the coyotes were laughing so hard they probably died from laughing. About a month later we had a fence around the backyard, and we could let Peaches out in the back at night. For my close friends that were how the “Underwear Gang” stories got started.
The New House – March 2004
I am going to start way back before this happened. It may not be funny, but Connie and I love to play tricks on each other. Connie had been wanting to move for a long time but since 1996 we thought we were gone to retire in Hot Springs Village, and I did not think we should move and then move again when I retired. The place I am now living, and which Connie and I moved into in September of 2004 is called Heritage Ranch. It started about 1998 with just a trailer. I know Connie and I came to visit the place in 1999 when there were a few houses out there. I definitely did not like the houses. Maybe it was just the builder of the first homes going into Heritage Ranch. To me the way they were decorated was dark and the house did not seem to be very open for sunlight.
Connie was always looking at houses and I had convinced her to wait until we retired and moved to Hot Springs Village. We visited there three or four times a year and always spent a couple of days driving around looking at neighborhoods and visiting the new houses that were being built. We also would spend time driving around the Allen and surrounding areas looking at the new houses and getting ideas about what we liked and what we did not like.
It was Sunday, February 15th, and we were having lunch, I can remember the place, but I am not sure what restaurant was in the building at that time. Our good friends Gary and Carol were looking at a new place that afternoon. Connie said let drive out to Heritage Ranch. It had been several years since we had even gone there. I readily agreed because I knew I did not like the place and Connie would never find anything out there that she liked. Boy, was I wrong? The place had grown a lot since 1999. There were probably 300 homes in the thee and they had a clubhouse.
The other part was the original developer was no longer involved as they had sold out to two other home builders that we’re now building out there and were in charge of all the development. Each builder had three or four model homes right across from the clubhouse.
Then it happened, not what I expected, we walked into the first model, and Connie fell in love with the floor plan. I must admit it was a lot nicer than the previous model we had visited four or five years ago. It was incredibly open and a lot of light into the house, it had two and a half baths. It was bigger than the house we were currently in. We visited the other five models but the first one was the one she loved. On the way home that afternoon she was so excited and was ready to buy and move. I try to tell her we needed to wait for a little while and not make a decision on the spur of the moment. Right then and there, our plans for moving to Hot Springs Village went out the door. No matter what I brought up she had an answer for. I remember telling here is 600 square feet bigger than what we have now. Shouldn’t we move to something smaller for retirement? Her answer was when you retire, I am going to need more space.
We visited every weekend to talk to the salesperson, named Mandy. We also went two or three nights a week to just driving around and to see what was going on. We also visited the club for a meal to see how it was. Mandy showed us some houses that were already built but they were not the model Connie wanted.
It took me about 4 weeks and Connie was asking me every minute to decide. She had made up her mind that what we should do and wanted me to make mine up so we could get on with it. I finally told her we would build the new houses that she wanted but give a couple of more weeks to figure out the financing, what I thought we could get for our house etc. I just need to do some more financial planning.
I had pretty much committed to Connie, that we would buy the house and move to Heritage Ranch. We had been driving all around looking at lots that we would want to build on. There were some more golf course lots that they were going to open up for sale in about 6 months. Neither Connie nor I wanted to wait that long. There were about 350 homes built, and they had plans to build 1144 homes. Connie had picked out a lot that she wanted. Sunday, March 21st, I committed to Mandy that we were going to buy a home it would be the model floorplan that we had been looking at for the last 5 to 6 weeks. I told her we would bring the required deposit this week.
Mandy knew the lot we were looking at, so at lunch on Wednesday the 24th, I called her and told her that Connie and I would be dropping off a check for our deposit that evening. She would then take us to pick out our lot and place a sold sign on it. I talked many into helping me play a little trick on Connie. I had her go ahead and put a sold sign on the lot but to write on the back, “Connie it yours, Love Sparkie “.
Connie kept asking me to come home early as she knew we were going to drop off the deposit and select our lot that evening. I did get home around 5 and by 5:30 we were meeting with Mandy, signing all the documents, and giving her a deposit. Afterward. Mandy got a sold sign and put it into her SUV. Connie directed her to the lot we wanted. When we arrived at the lot and Connie saw the sold sign already on it, her heart dropped. I said Connie, I am so sorry, I should have acted earlier. Mandy talked Connie into getting out of the car and looking at the lots on each side of it. Since we had parked at that lot, we got out and walked right by the sold sign.
As we passed the sold sign Mandy said, Connie what that written on the back of the sign there, Connie read what I had Mandy put on the sign and her face just light up, she was so happy. I got her. I remember we did not even have time to celebrate that evening as while we were finishing up all the paperwork, I got a call from work. I was on call that night and we had a program that was down so as soon as we got through, I rushed home to get the system back up again. But to this day I can still remember how happy Connie was. I love you kid.
Microwave Radio – October 2004
The Microwave Radio – October 2004
We had just moved into our new house in September of 2004. I was sitting up the study when Connie came in and ask me what station Dr. Laura was on. I told her and said why we have not even unpacked a radio yet. She said that ok we have a radio in the microwave. I said Connie there is no radio in the microwave. Finally, about 5 minutes later she came back to where I was working in the study and said Sparkie (my nickname) will you set up DR. Laura on the microwave radio. I tried to convince her there was no radio in the microwave, but she insisted I come out to the kitchen and she pointed to the microwave and said see Sparkie there is said AM/FM. I gave her a pair of glasses and she then saw it said AM/PM. It was for the clock.
Golfing – March 2005
Connie and I had moved to a new home in an active adult community. I would say a retirement community, but Connie would always correct me. Right after we moved in, we purchased a golf cart. Now, neither one of us played golf and our house was not on the golf course but a lot of people had golf carts to use in the neighborhood and to use in the evening or morning to drive around the golf course. It was a beautiful golf course, and we would always see all kinds of animals and enjoyed it.
One day I came home from work in March and we went to take the gold cart out for a ride around the golf course when I noticed that there were two golf balls in the golf cart. I found that strange since we did not play golf and I never had bought any golf balls. So, I asked Connie, where did the golf balls come from. I was not prepared for her answer.
She said I was riding around the courses this morning and I found that strange as there were only certain times, we were allowed on the course because of people playing golf. She said when I was over on hole number 2 there were these two-golf carts laying just of the cart path. I said Connie was there anyone around and she said just two old guys about 100 yards behind me and they started yelling at me, but I am not sure why.
It took a while, but I finally got Connie to understand a little bit about golf. I was hoping those two old guys were not members of the club but were just visitors playing.
Anyway, Connie never picked up a golf ball unless we were out when no one was playing golf. Thanks, Connie, for always making my life interesting.
The BURN Nurse – February 2006
The BURN Nurse — February 2006
Connie and I had this friend Mike for some reason, she used to tell everyone he was a proctologist.
Connie at the time was watching one of the doctors on TV and Mike did not like him. If I remember right it was Dr. Phil. One day after church we met some new people and she just said this is our friend Dr. Mike and his wife Brenda, Dr. Mike is a proctologist. The church was growing at the time so after that, she would always introduce him as a proctologist even though he worked for AT&T at the time.
This went on for many years and we all had a lot of fun with it until it just had run its course. Connie even wrote a book called “The End is in Sight “by Dr. Mike. The book was full of proctologist jokes.
In February of 2006, we had a party at our house with a bunch of friends. The party was a birthday party for one of Connie’s friends Marty. At the party, Mike had brought Connie a white coat to wear for the evening. That evening they presented Connie with a Certificate called “B.U.R.N“ it stood for Butts Up Registered Nurse. I am still looking for the Certificate they gave her but above is a picture of the certificate.
Here are some pictures from the party. Click (one-click will open the gallery for better viewing). Besides the white coat, stethoscope, Vaseline, rubber gloves there were other interesting items.
The Liquor Store – 2006 or 2007
The Liquor Store – 2006 or 2007
I am not sure when, but I think this occurred in the mid-2000s around 2006 or 2007. I cannot remember if it was in the spring or fall but I am quite sure it was not summer or winter because it was neither cold nor hot that night. I do remember it was a Friday night and we had gone with our friends Gary and Carol to a liquor store.
Now for those of you who are not from this area, not all counties sell liquor and the one we lived in did not. If I remember correctly, we had gone out to dinner and decided to drive to a town nearby called the Colony. It was a little past 7 PM when we got there, and Connie and Gary decided they would go in and get some wine while Carol and I stayed in the car and talked. Since I talk so much the next time, I looked at my watch over 30 minutes had gone by. I said to Carol I wonder where they are. Since the store had a big glass window all along the front, Carol said I have seen them go by the checkout about 3 times. We waited and waited, and they went by the check out a couple of more times. It was somewhere between 50 minutes to an hour and I was getting ready to go in when I saw them checking out. When they both got into the car, they were tipsy, Gary not as much as Connie. Everything they said was funny and they would start laughing. They were feeling fairly good. It took a little bit for them to tell us what happened through all their laughter, especially Connie’s. Evidently, there were a couple of people in there giving out samples of single malt scotch and there was more than one brand to be given out to sample. Anyway, they would take their time and go through the store again and again to get another sample. I do not know how many they had but the store was not that big, so I am sure they went around more than 5 or 6 times. Connie and Gary were hilarious that night. From then on if we need some wine, I made sure I went with Connie to get it not Gary (just kidding Gary).
WII – 2009
Christmas of 2009, I remember this as one of the saddest Christmas’s for Connie. She and her nephew were very close, and we did not hear from him all that Christmas season. He had always sent her something. It was not much but it just reminded her that he cared about her. He and his wife had lost a child (premature) about 3 years before that, and it turns out he was going through a divorce at the time.
That Christmas, I bought a WII for Connie and I thought that it would be fun and it was. We played those games on the WII for the next 3-4 years. I was doing income tax returns for H&R Block at the beginning of 2010 but only worked from 3-9 pm.
Connie and I played almost every day for several months and it was usually the bowling game. We would play to see who would get to pick where we were going to lunch. The problem was if I won Connie would ten say the best two out of three and if I won again she would say the best 3 out of 5. At first, I would let her win because she wanted to win so badly. It was not too long after we started playing the bowling game that I no longer had to let her win she was beating me regularly. Since Connie was left-handed, she would sometimes bowl with her right hand to give me a chance. She would laugh and giggle when she won, and kid me good-naturedly.
I found the WII game a few weeks ago and it brought back these memories. We played many times over the next 3-4 years with the winner getting to pick where we went for lunch. I did not mind getting beats as it brought her a lot of joy and happiness.
Do You Have Kids — 2009
What To Say When Asked “Do You Have Kids”
After I retired in November of 2008, we started meeting new people. Before a lot of friendships were people I worked with or people Connie and I knew from church and Conniie’s friends.
Eventually, as we met new people in our Active Adult Community and other places such as the town’s senior centers, etc. we started meeting new people.
Getting to know new people always brings up a lot of questions. One of the most common question that always came up was do you guys have any children. For those of you that have known Connie and me for a long time you know we did not and why.
In 2009, Connie and I came up with an answer.
One of would say — “Not Yet”
The Other one would say — “But we are still trying”
Remember at this time we are both over 60. It also help us because if they laughed and thought it was funny, we knew we would probably get along with them. If they were taken back and offended maybe not.
Now it was not 100% accurate but it was pretty close.
Chase Bank — 2009
After I retired in November of 2008, I was still looking for something to occupy some of my time. There was a Chase bank near a Mcdonalds’ that Connie and I used to go to. I saw they were looking for a part-time teller so I thought I would apply.
I went in to talk to them but they told me that I had to feel out an application online and once I did that and if I was qualified someone from corporate would then send my application to them and then they might schedule me an interview base don the other applications they received.
I thought this was a no-brainer, Since I was a math major, and had an outstanding work history, surely I would qualify and get an interview.
Was I wrong? The application process was a lot more than I thought it would be as I spent over two hours completing it. There was a math section, in which I did not miss a question. Then there were hypothetical situations and you had to describe how you would handle them. Then there were questions, that I took that would have them understand your personality. Last, there were some general questions. One of the questions was do you consider yourself to be detail-oriented? Of course, I answered yes.
The next day, I received an email, that I had not filled out one section of the application. So much for being detail-oriented. I was so embarrassed I never went back to finish the process, I just went and took a class at H&R Block to do Tax Returns.
Connie Pet Bobcat — 2010
Connie and her pet bobcat. Well, it’s not real but a stuffed one. Connie was fascinated by bobcats as we had seen several over the years around the golf course here. Once we saw a mother bobcat with several of her babies following her. Luckily we were in the car and we could see them just off the walking trail near the woods.
Jay who I have mentioned several times Jay did repair work for us and was a big outdoorsman brought a stuffed bobcat so she could see one up close. Well, the imp in Connie just has to play a trick on our next-door neighbor Carolyn. She sat the fake bobcat on the back porch and call Carolyn. Since our back porch was close to each other we could see each other back porch Connie told her there was a bobcat on her porch and since Carolyn was further away she did not realize it was a stuffed one. Connie said to Carolyn I am going out on the back porch and Carolyn was telling her “do not do that”. When Connie went out there and then Carolyn realized it was not real it was funny. Carolyn was a good sport and realize Connie had faked her out.
The FBI (2011- I Think)
We had neighbors that lived around the corner from us. Charlotte and Dennis were their names. Charlotte was also from Tennessee and they were part of our Bunco group.
Dennis, took a year-long temporary job in Washington DC, managing a project for Homeland Security. After his assignment and upon his return he gave me an official FBI baseball cap. He said it was official and he had bought it at the FBI store in Washington.
I tried it on and asked Connie what she thought. Connie was always quick with smart responses. She says I like it, as it says “Fat Boy Inside“. I had to laugh at that and she would tease me about that every time I wore the cap.
One day I was at Krogers checking out, and as the young kid was bagging my groceries he asked if I was in the FBI. I said why do you think I am using this cane. I was an undercover agent infiltrating a criminal gang and got discovered. He was buying the whole thing. Just then someone called him and he went toward the back. I started looking for him as I want to tell him, I was pulling his leg. But I never found him as they must have pulled him into the back to work back there.
To this day, I feel bad about pulling the young man’s leg, and as many times as I have gone back to Krogers I have never seen him. For the first couple of years, I always looked for him when I shopped there but never saw him again
I guess the moral of this is do not believe anything the (Fat Boy Inside ) says.
The Key Lime Pie — 2012
I am not sure about the year it may have been in 2011. This was another one of Connie’s cooking adventures. We had several like this, but I will tell you this one first. Lizzie and Dave had invited us over for dinner and Connie was going to bring the dessert. I was surprised that they agreed to let her do that as they knew about some of Connie’s cooking adventures. We were getting ready to leave for their house and as we were walking out the door, I asked Connie what is on the counter. Yes, it was the Lime that should have gone into the key-lime pie. It was too late to do anything about it, so we took it anyway. Of course, we told them we had forgotten the lime. None of us wanted dessert after dinner so we insisted they keep the key pie. After they had tried it, later they called Connie and me and said the pie was really really bad and we should not ever make another one like that. No that did not hurt our feelings as they are our best friends, and they knew about some of Connie’s mistakes in the kitchen. Ever since then we would always break out laughing whenever someone served key-lime pie.
Swedish Escort Service – 2012 or 2013
Swedish Escort Service 2012 or 2013
I do not recall the exact year but I think it was 2012 or 2013. I do know it was a Wednesday morning as I always went to the 6:30 mass and attended bible study from 7 to 8. Most Wednesday morning after that I would stop by one of our favorite local donut stores and get Connie a blueberry donut and a cup of coffee. She like a lot of cream and a little sweetener. Now and then she would tell me in advance and I would just come straight home and we would go out to McDonald’s are somewhere to get a small breakfast.This particular morning I had gotten up very early as it was before 6 and I was ready to leave. Since the church was only about a 10-minute drive I decide to check my email that morning which I can never remember doing before the Wednesday mass before.
There was an email from Citi Bank about a charge to a place in Sweden. I immediately looked up the number of the credit card company and called them. They told me they had flagged the transaction because it showed the credit card being used in Allen Texas, that afternoon and shortly afterward being used in Sweden. The credit card had been used at Braum here in Texas and Escort Service in Sweden. I confirmed that neither I nor my wife had used that card in Sweden. They canceled the card, the charges in Sweden, and we had a new card the next day.
Now the funny part is that it was Connie’s credit card that they used. So when I got home with her blueberry donut and coffee after Bible Study that morning, I had some fun teasing her about it. I did not let her forget that for a long time. Now and then something would come up and I would say but I have never used my credit card on an Escort Service in Sweden.
I think that was the only Wednesday morning, I was late for mass. I was about 10 minutes late. I think it was Fr. Eugene who was a very personable and wonderful prest and was very outgoing that did the mass that day. After Bible Study, I stop by to apologize to Fr. Eugene for coming in late during the mass and told him the story of why I was late. He had a big laugh about it.