December – 2015
January – 2016
February – 2016
March – 2016
April – 2016
Oh No
Connie’s Service
Afterwards
December 2015
On Monday, the 30th, I had an appointment with DR. Robert Graham my primary care physician.
Connie and I then went to see her oncologist Dr, Connor on Tuesday the 1st and he gave us some good news about the CAT scan Connie; had done the previous week. We thought it was going to be a PET scan but the insurance would not pay for a PET scan unless a CAT scan had been done first. Here is the email, I sent out that afternoon about our visit.
Hi Guys,
First, I want to thank each and every one of you for your prayers. They have definitely made a difference and helped us during this difficult time
We met with the oncologist this morning and he gave us very good news. The cancer has not progressed and there are only a couple of small areas of haziness that they are looking at. He is extremely pleased with where we are right now. I know I stated earlier that they were doing a PET scan last week, but they did a CAT Scan instead. Insurance will not pay for a PET scan until you have a CAT scan first.
The oncologist has decided to keep Connie off of chemo for at least 4 more weeks and then he will do a PET scan which should then show us if there is any active cancer. But he told us we should be very pleased with the test results that came back from the CAT Scan.
The other good news is that as of right now Connie will not be getting any food intravenously at night. We can stop that as he wants her to get all her calories through normal eating. He did say the CAT scan showed that her stomach was not emptying as fast as normal but thinks it will improve as she adjusts to normal eating habits. Also, I will give her one more blood thinner shot tonight, and then she will start taking a pill. She is so happy to not be hooked up to the IV feeding for 12 hours a day.
As of right now, we are supposed to be scheduled for the PET scan the last week of December and see the oncologist the first week of January.
Connie and I are thrilled with the news and are praying we will continue to get more good news.
Connie is in good spirits but still weak and fragile from the long months of chemo, etc.
We truly have been blessed with several miracles. From her aspirating into her lungs during a colonoscopy, to her hospitalization in June when they did not know if she would ever eat again and were talking about hospice, to the blood clots in August which did not cause her any damage.
She will see the plastic surgeon again this week to start scar management from her fall. We were supposed to do that last week but they ended up having to drain blood from under her wound so it would heal better.
We ask that you continue to pray for Connie, as we are not sure what may lie ahead of us, but we are encouraged by today’s results. Please pray that the results from the PET scan at the end of this month will be as encouraging as the news we got today.
Connie’s battle continues but with your prayers and God’s grace, we will continue the fight.
Just know we appreciate every one of you and your prayers very much as they provide us peace and comfort.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and good wishes.
Connie and Joel (Sparkie)
We had two more doctor’s visits that week. On Wednesday, I had an appointment to see my rheumatologist. I got a call shortly after that to see my urologist as there was blood in my urine. I was not concerned as I had the kidney stone blasted earlier in the month and neither was my urologist. The next afternoon we had a late appointment at four-thirty to see Dr. Stiles the plastic surgeon. She was such a nice lady and was keeping a close eye on Connie to make sure everything healed ok and she would not need plastic surgery. She and Connie really hit it off.
The rest of that week was uneventful, Connie and I were happily adjusting to the new routine which did not include hooking her up for 12 hours to get her TPN and not giving her a shot in the stomach twice a day. It was such a relief for both of us especially Connie. We started the next week on Monday the 6th, of December like we ended the last week with another visit to Dr. Stiles at two forty-five. We were hoping this would be the last visit, but even though things were looking good she wants her to come back again that week.
On Tuesday the 8th, we got up early probably around five a.m., as Connie had an outpatient procedure scheduled at the hospital. If you remember back in August when Connie was having blood clots, they placed a filter in so it could catch any blood clots traveling from the lower extremities before they reached the heart or lungs.
If you remember back on September 14th, we had gone in to get the filter removed, but they did not do it because there was still a blood clot in the filter that had not dissolved.
We arrived at the hospital a little after seven that morning to check Connie in for the procedure. As usual, our pal Lizzie was with us. She made almost every appointment Connie had. After they had taken Connie back to take the filter out Lizzie and I waited. Finally, the doctor came, and I went out to talk to him. They decided that this was not a good time to remove the filter. Connie had been coughing the night before and the blood vessels were a little narrower. I do remember her coughing but, in an email, she talks about throwing up and that I did not remember that.
Connie was feeling better that afternoon and she responded to an email from her friend Mary about what had gone on that day, and then she wrote Lizzie a thank you email.
Hi Mary,
Just wanted to give you an update. The blood clot filter was not removed after all. Last night and all through the early morning hours, I kept throwing up at least 12 times. It was so awful. I was not allowed any food or water after midnight and at that time I still thought I’d have the procedure done. However, when I got up to get ready to go to the hospital, I felt so bad. I didn’t have any energy and was dragging. Sparkie had to get me dressed and get me ready. The worst part was that I was not allowed any food or water after midnight so I couldn’t wash the stomach acid out of my throat. It was in my throat for hours and it felt like I was on fire. My chest really still hurts. Anyway, the doctor said that it could not be taken out when the veins were so irritated. This is the second time that we have been unable to get this thing removed. We go in next week to try again. I’m trying to keep positive and not look at today as going backward.
Thank you again for all your prayers. It really does lift you up and sustains you through the hard times. Stay well!!!
Mucho hugs,
Connie
Hi Miss Lizzie,
We want to thank you so much for coming with us today and also for all the cleaning you did. We are so appreciative of your help. We can’t find enough words to express our thanks. We know that God sees your kindness and He will reward you for it. Sparkie and I are so blessed to have you and Senor Dave in our lives. We are looking forward to many more adventures when I get better. Please let me help plant your bark or flowers sometime so I can help you. Thank you for all the kindness you show to Sparkie. It’s so good to see how happy he is when we see you guys. God really did put us together for a purpose. Again, thank you for today. Everything looks so good. Tomorrow we get the carpets done and it will feel like a new house!!
We love you bunches!!
Mucho hugs,
Connie & Sparkie
On Wednesday the 9th, as Connie had mentioned in her email to Lizzie, Dalworth came and did our carpets. It was so good to get them done. We were concerned because at least two times, if not more the TPN bag would leak and the stuff in it would get into the carpets. We could get it cleaned up a little bit, but it still left a stain. Thank goodness, Dalworth was able to get the stains out and the carpet looked so good. I know it made Connie happy to get it done as she always took pride in having a clean house.
On Thursday the 11th, we went back to see Dr. Stiles, the plastic surgeon. I think that was the last time we saw her. She gave Connie a complete bill of health on the way her face and head were healing from the fall. While there was still some healing that needed to continue, she felt that everything was healing nicely, and Connie would not need any surgery because of the fall.
The next thing that happened, was either on December 13th or 20th, I am just not sure. Both of those days were a Sunday, and it was the first time Connie had attended mass since back in February. In fact, the last time I remember her being at church was on a Friday night in April for stations of the cross during Lent. It was amazing no matter which Sunday it was. Connie was surrounded by so many friends after mass. It did my heart good to see everyone around her welcoming her back. It also made her feel good. One of the things that Connie and I had done after mass since early 2000, was to go to McDonald’s after mass with several friends. That was such a happy day. It was a day where we thought everything was going to be ok. On one of those Sundays, either the 13th or 20th, about mid-afternoon Connie just did not have any energy and was not feeling well. We decided to take a ride. We ended up taking Custer Road to Hwy 380. On the way back we stopped at Rosa (a Mexican restaurant) around four and had a small meal. I am not sure why, but that food gave her energy, and she was feeling good the rest of the evening. It does not matter which Sunday it was I just know that was a tremendously happy day for us.
On Tuesday, the 15th, of December we again went to the HCA hospital, and again Lizzie went with us. It was the third time that we had to have the filter removed that they had put in when Connie was having blood clots. This time they were successful. I am not sure where Connie, Lizzie, and I went to eat afterward, but it was probably, ‘The Egg and I”, or “IHOP”, For some reason, I am thinking it was IHPOP but not sure. The rest of that week was fairly normal for us. I went to have X-rays done on Wednesday and then went to see Dr. Graham to verify that the kidney stones were gone. I had blood work done on Friday for my upcoming appointment with the other Dr. Graham my family doctor.
Connie seemed to be doing okay at least a lot better than during the summer, so on Monday, the 21st, I kept my dental appointment with Dr., Williams, and then on Tuesday in the afternoon, I went to see my regular doctor for a normally scheduled visit. On Tuesday morning, I sent out the following email to the 85 people on the email list praying for Connie.
Hi Guys,
Connie and I want to wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and thank you for your prayers. It has been a tough year, but your prayers have been a tremendous blessing to us. Connie continues to improve and is eating on her own now. She has come a long way since she was hospitalized in June. We believe through God’s will and your prayers this has happened. To us, some of the things that have happened have been small miracles. At one time we never knew if she would be able to eat solid foods again and now, she is.
We ask that you continue to pray for Connie, as she has a PET Scan scheduled for December 29th and we will get the results on January 4th. We realize we still have a long road ahead and your prayers will help us. We are not sure what may lie ahead of us, but we are encouraged by the results so far. Please pray that the results from the PET scan will be as encouraging as the news we got from the CAT Scan.
Connie’s battle continues but with your prayers and God’s grace, we will continue the fight.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and good wishes.
Connie and Joel (Sparkie)
We have good friends, Gary, and Carol that we have known since 1975 but we had not seen them in a long time as Connie saw very few people while she was sick. For several months, she only had one person that she saw and that was Lizzie. Around late September or early October, she let Brenda and Mike come over, but she was still limiting herself to the people she was seeing. So, we decided to go to lunch with Gary and Carol on Wednesday the 23rd, at a Mexican restaurant near them. We had been there before and loved it. It was a day filled with hope and joy and we enjoyed seeing them so much. Here is an email Carol sent Connie that afternoon after lunch.
We enjoyed seeing you both today at lunch. I have missed seeing you for SO long. You look great Connie – after all, you’ve been through, I think you are a miracle. I honestly believe prayers are definitely a part of how you got through such a horrible experience. I know it’s not over and we will keep praying, but compared to June to now, it is truly a miracle. Joel, I know you have suffered a great deal also and have lots of aches and pains – and with all the emotional feelings, you are also a miracle. We are here for you both – you know that if you need our help. I doubt the wife Connie picked out for you Sparkie is as good a person as Connie. So, Connie, you have to keep going and do what your Drs suggest. I’m so happy you are able to eat again – can’t even imagine how horrible the last months have been. Glad you have Charles Conner as your oncologist – funny that I know their whole family, super nice people.
Hopefully, we can get together again soon. We can have “game night” again, or just visit – whatever you feel like doing. Have a Merry Christmas – we will be here Christmas Eve with the family, In case you would like to drop by you are welcome. Christmas Day will be at Erica and Jay’s house.
2016 will be better – I’m sure of that. This was an up-and-down year for me too, so I’m glad it’s over actually. Looking forward to the new year.
Love, Carol
On Thursday, Christmas Eve, I went to Rudy’s BBQ and bought some brisket, ham, potato salad, etc. for Christmas dinner. On Christmas day we went to the mass at 10 that morning and if I remember correctly, we came home and opened the Christmas present that people had given us. It is sad but I cannot remember anything about them, not even what I gave Connie that year. Connie then rested and around 1:30 or so I made dinner. I heated the barbeque, warmed up some beans, and baked the crescent rolls. After having dinner and getting everything cleaned up, we did what we normally do on Christmas day and sent for a ride. We stopped at RaceTrac for a large Diet Coke and then went on up to 380, where I stopped and another little gas station and bought some peanuts. Connie even had a few making sure she chewed the well. We took our normal route back home across 380. It was a ride we had taken many times.
Connie sent the following email to our friends Doug and Flo on the 26th of December. In it, she addresses how she is doing.
Wow, did you guys get a great deal from Omaha! We really like sending that as a gift because it lasts so much longer than flowers or fruit. Please keep us in mind on Tuesday morning (9:30) as I get my PET scan. We had the best Christmas and am so thankful considering my diagnosis said I wouldn’t see another Christmas. We’re so grateful for each day and the fact that I’m able to eat and keep it down. Am still struggling so much with a lack of strength and balance. We ran into Nettie in Kroger last week. We hope you and Doug have a really happy and healthy 2016!!
Mucho hugs,
Connie
The rest of December was fairly normal. On the 29th, we went to Dr. Connor for lab work and a PET scan. We were really anxious about the PET scan as that would tell us how she was doing. We would have to wait a week to find out.
I think most years we went to Dave and Lizzie on New Year’s Day in the evening but this year we went on New Year’s Eve. Connie sent them the following message the next day on the 1st of January.
Dave, Lizzie, and Lindsey,
We want to thank you guys for a fun evening last night. It is always fun when Lindsey is at home and we get to play some games. Connie really enjoys it. Last night you were able to get her mind off the PET scan results and get her to relax which meant a lot to me.
Dave and Lizzie thank you so much for everything you did for us this year. We are truly blessed to know you guys including you Lindsey and of course Matthew too.
We hope in this New Year all of you are blessed with good health happiness and joy.
Thank you for everything you guys truly mean a lot to us.
Connie and Sparkie
January 2016
On Monday the 4th, of January, we went to see Dr. Connor for the results of the PET Scan. Lizzie went with us and afterward, we went to a Mexican food place to celebrate the good news (you can read about it in the email below). While at the Mexican food restaurant, we saw a priest eating lunch, so I told the waitress to bring me his bill and I would pay for it. It turns out it was the former Pastor of our Parish (St. Jude) Fr. Bradley. A priest that we liked very much. Here is the email.
Hi Guys,
WOW!!! We got great news this morning and I want to thank each and every one of you, because of your prayers we were blessed with good news.
While the doctor informed us that he felt the cancer was in remission, we will need to keep a close eye on it as it is a very aggressive cancer and can come back.
Medically speaking the doctor did not say this was a miracle, but he told us that her recovery was off the charts and that this was a textbook case. I truly believe that through your prayers God has blessed us and I thank each of you.
While the PET scan did reveal a little glow in the lower colon, he did not think this was cancerous because of the exam of that area during her last colonoscopy. As far as some other areas revealed by the CAT scan, he felt that they were either scar tissues or dead tissues leftover from the chemotherapy. He felt she would need surgery to confirm this but in his opinion, that would be over the top and expose her to more risk.
He felt she was in a very good place, especially from where she was this summer. He had two options one was to put her on a maintenance dose of chemo or to just keep a close eye on her. He stated that the medical community was divided on the best approach, but he thought it would be best to just keep a close eye on her for now. The reason for that was that he felt one of the chemo medicines used would be very hard on her and she would have to be off the chemo for a while anyway to do more scans.
I guess the bottom line is we are in a great place right now with some amazing results so far, but Connie will have to be closely monitored and at any sign of things not being right we must call him right away.
Connie will be having another CAT Scan on February 29th and we will get the results on March 4th.
Your prayers have been a blessing to us, and we ask you to continue them. While we have good news for now, we need to continue to pray that the cancer stays in remission.
The doctors may not say this is a miracle and while in the true definition of a miracle, it may not be, but to Connie and I; it is a miracle and your prayers made it possible.
Connie’s health is getting better each day. While she still may have a day where she feels bad, there are fewer and fewer as time goes on. She is eating much better, is back at church, and is doing more and more things each day.
We ask for you to continue to pray for Connie that this cancer stays in remission and does not return.
While we do not know what the next test will show, we know with your prayers God will continue to bless her.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and good wishes.
Connie and Joel (Sparkie)
On Tuesday the 5th, we had another appointment with Dr. Stiles and everything about her head healing from her fall back in November was complete and there was going to be no scarring.
Our neighbors Charlie and Sue Ellen had given Connie a plaque of Paris. As most of you know Connie loved Paris and our kitchen is decorated in a Paris theme so that meant a lot to her. She wrote them the following thank you note.
Hi Sue Ellen and Charlie, thank you so much for the Paris plaque. We really love it a lot!! I’m sorry I didn’t write a handwritten thank you, but I’ve got neuropathy in my hands from the chemo and it has caused my writing to look like chicken scratch. Thank you for thinking of us. We really appreciate it.
Take care,
Connie & Sparkie
I mentioned earlier back in September and again in November about my spinal stenosis, so on Friday the 8th, I went to Dr. Burg’s office for a pre-surgery meeting. Even though this was going to be a minimally invasive surgery, there were still things I had to do. I had already received clearance from my family doctor and now I was meeting with his PA to get fitted for a back brace and talked about the requirements for my post-operative care such as not lifting and bending over. I was told I would need to wear the back brace for at least 6 weeks. With that behind me, the next thing was to have the surgery.
On Wednesday the 13th, Lizzie came by to take me and Connie to the hospital, but Connie was not feeling well so she ended up staying home. I had to be at the hospital by seven and the surgery started after eight. A little after ten I woke up in the recovery room and did not feel too bad. I woke up with the back brace around me. Before one, Lizzie and I were headed back to my house and it was so good to see Connie feeling better.
The next day, Connie and I went for a ride. She had to drive because I was still on pain pills and the doctor wanted me to wait a few weeks before driving. It had been over a year since she had driven. I remember yelling once when she took a turn a little too fast and yell, that when she told me her shoes were too big and were sliding off her foot as she tried to drive. Her cancer had caused her to lose a lot of weight. Anyway, she was feeling much better and she wrote this email to our friend Flo that day.
Hi Flo, hope you had a good time with your pals at their house.
In one of your other emails, you said your brother has written a book. I remember several years ago that you said he wrote one, but I assume you must mean another one. Is it about the FBI? We watch Quantico on to and are really into it, so I think we’d like to read the book. Is it in bookstores yet or on amazon.com? What they put the cadets through on Quantico is incredible.
Sparkie had his surgery yesterday. It was minimally invasive so he’s up and around already. He’s on strong pain pills but doing really well. We’re praying that this surgery will stop the numbness in his legs and feet.
I hope I have as good luck as your cousin did and that the cancer won’t come back. We really had a hard year.
Flo, I’ve got a frosted blond wig and I’ll let you know if blondes really do have more fun!!
Will check back in later on.
Take care,
Connie
I remember the next morning Friday the 15th well because I did get up a little bit late and Connie drove us to Benny’s bagels in McKinney as she really liked their breakfast bagels. She helped me into the store and got me a place to sit. She then ordered us a breakfast bagel with egg and bacon to split. She also bought us another bagel with just butter that we also split. She had coffee and I had a Diet Coke. Hers and my best friend (Lizzie) came over and brought us a meal for Friday evening. Connie and Lizzie took off around noon to get Connie some shoes that would fit. She wrote Lizzie the following email that evening thanking her.
Hi Lizzie, we just want to thank you so much for the dinner you brought us. We just had it and it was delicious!! Sparkie ate it all and I think it will help him a lot. He‘s still having pain, but it will probably get better tomorrow. He times his pill-taking very seriously. He told me that we’re going to get a wintry mix tomorrow. If that happens, we won’t be at church. Even if we don’t get it, we may not be able to go. He’s not able to sit or stand for long. Thank you also for going to get shoes with me today. I haven’t been let loose on the roads since then, so I guess the squirrels are safe over here! Again, thank you so much for your help!! Love you more!! Was the movie good?
Take care,
Connie & Sparkie
I remember that Saturday because we did the same thing as Friday. I got up late and Connie drove us to Benny’s bagels, she got me a seat just like she did the previous day, and we ate the same breakfast meal that we had eaten the day before.
I am not sure, but I think it was during this coming week that Connie, went into JC Penny’s, while I waited in the car for her and she came out with a cute little purse with a dog on it. She liked it so much that she went back and bought another one to give to Lizzie for Christmas.
We were starting to get back to a normal routine, but it was still a struggle as always in the back of our minds was would her cancer stay in remission. We loved to play Trivia and every year they had a Trivia Night at the church. There were 8 or 10 people at a table, and we had been playing with the same group for several years. It was always on a Saturday night and we made it to the trivia and had a great time. It started at 7 and was over a little after 10. Connie really enjoyed herself and got to see several people who attended another mass. It was such a good time for her. I was still recovering from my back surgery, so I was a little uncomfortable. By the time it was over we were both exhausted. I could still not drive so Connie had to drive us there and home. One of the ladies he talked to was Joyce, who was having problems with her leg. It was hurting and warm to touch, Connie told her she needed to see a doctor because she could have a blood clot. Those were the same symptoms that Connie had had this past August. We were too tired to make the 8:00 AM mass the next morning.
I know Connie was having a good day that day because she sent out several emails that I have included below.
Hi Joyce, I was so happy to see you last night!! It’s been such a long time and it felt so good to be out again. The thing I’m struggling with now is a lack of strength and balance but that will improve as the days go on. Hopefully, I didn’t look as rickety as I feel. Please think of us if you need someone for bunco. We have missed that very much.
Joyce, I really wanted to urge you to go to the ER or at least go see your doctor about the heat and soreness in your legs. It is a sign of blood clots. Other signs are a waxy look to the skin on your legs but it’s something that not everyone experiences. The main thing is heat and soreness. I had two pulmonary embolisms in my chest and four blood clots in my left leg and was a ticking time bomb and never knew it as I had no experience with blood clots or embolisms before. Any of them could have exploded at any moment. I was also short of breath and tired from the embolisms. It’s not something you want to take a seat back and see an approach to. We have found that the ER at HCA Medical Center on 15th and Coit in Plano is so much better than the attention and care you would get at the hospital in Allen. You can’t even compare the two as far as competence. Please get yourself checked out cause we want you around for a long, long time. We liked you from the moment we met you and hope to have many more bunco nights with your sweet self and Bill. Please let us know how you are doing. You will be in our prayers for a speedy and safe recovery.
Stay well and take care,
Connie & Sparkie
Hi Cathy and Wayne,
We were so happy to see you last night after such a long time! Wayne looked like he was feeling well from his back surgery. You looked as cute as ever! We want to thank you for Sparkie’s tee shirt and for the book by Gretchen Carlson. The Minions shirt is so sweet, and he just loves it. We hope you guys had fun last night. We always like trivia night. It was fun just getting back out again. I’m really struggling with a lack of strength and balance right now and I could feel my body shutting down. I wasn’t sure if we’d make the drive home and when we did finally get home, we both crashed big time. We didn’t make church this morning but will go to the 5:00 service later on.
We hope you have a really good and healthy 2016. We thank you for your prayers and good wishes as they got us through the year. In fact, I have never had such peace and calmness in my entire life as I had going through this cancer ordeal and I know that was because of the hand of God. This week I just started driving again for the first time since last February. So be warned and stay off the roads!! We love you guys and hope to see more of you!!
Take care,
Connie & Sparkie
Hi Flo,
We’re glad you had a great time in Alabama. The house sounds beautiful right on the beach! We will definitely get your brother’s book as it sounds like a wonderful read according to amazon.com But, we’ll have to wait till it comes down in price. I imagine his classes in criminal justice are packed cause all the kids would want to hear about his adventures. Sparkie is 11 days out from his surgery. It was minimally invasive but still had a lot of pain because of all the nerves. He is feeling better now and will feel even better when the doctor lets him back on his normal arthritis meds in about another week and a half. He did this surgery to get rid of the numbness that was taking over his feet and legs. He still has it but that will go away as time goes by. We thank you so much for your prayers. You’re always my go-to girl for that!! I’m still struggling with a lack of strength and balance and tire easily. I feel fragile but want to feel strong and able to do housework. This week I started to drive for the first time since last February. I was a wreck just driving around the neighborhood but am starting to feel a little more comfortable. The squirrels are running away from the street in horror!!!
I’ve got to go for now but will check back in.
Take care,
Connie
Sunday afternoon, the 24th, we attended a Princess Pre-Cruise gathering at the clubhouse at 3:30. They gave us all the details about when the buses would leave to take us to Houston for our cruise and just all kinds of information. They also had a drawing for prices, but we did not win one. It was supposed to last till 5 but it was almost over at 4:30 so Connie and I left early so we could go to mass.
We did make the mass that evening at 5 and then afterward we went to Cheddar’s for dinner. I was so happy because Connie ate really well. We hardly ever ordered appetizers, but we had a coupon for chips and queso with hamburger in it, so we got that. It was incredibly good. I do not remember what I got but I know Connie got the chicken fried chicken and she loved it.
As for as Joyce she did go see her doctor and it was a good thing as Connie had thought she did have blood clots. They were able to take care of them and she was ok.
On Wednesday, the 27th, we went to Dr., Connor so we could get her port flushed. Even though Connie was not receiving chemo anymore it was required that she come in at least once a month so they could flush out the port.
February
There was not much going on at the end of the month or the beginning of February. On the calendar, I see we were scheduled to do Meals on Wheels, with Lizzie but that had been moved from the Allen Community Center to the Allen Senior Club and we had dropped out of doing Meals on Wheels. Connie and I were trying to lead a normal life as possible. I barely remember this, but Lizzie had fixed up a pair of Connie’s pants. Here is her email to her.
Hi Miss Lizzie, just want to thank you so much for fixing the pants. They are really good!! I’m so lucky to have a second chance with them. You did such a great job on them!! Now, I don’t feel bad about having to give all the other ones away. I’m really paring down and that’s a good thing. Thank you again so much for your help! We love you more!!
Take care,
Connie
I had promised Connie, that I would not honor some of the things in the will at her request back when she was in the hospital in May. So, on February 10th, we met with a new lawyer that we really liked. It was April Nordhaus. Connie and I restructure our wills, leaving more money to some and less to others. There were a few other things we changed also. Since the changes were minor, she only charged us $150 each, which was a good deal. We had wanted to get this done before we took our cruise toward the end of February.
We went back to the office of April Nordhaus the next Wednesday, February 17th. I remember there was a young lady we met there who was also into genealogy, so Connie and I struck up a conversation with her. Connie was doing better but now and then she would have a bad day.
On Sunday, the 21st we left on our cruise. You can read all about it under “Trips” – “The Last Cruise – 2016”. The following was our itinerary.
- Day 1 – Sunday – Feb 21, 2016, Houston, United States Depart: 4;00 pm
- Day 2 – Monday – Feb 22, 2016, At Sea
- Day 3 – Tuesday – Feb 23, 2016, Key West, United States — Arrive at noon Depart at 7:00 pm
- Day 4 – Wednesday – Feb 24, 2016, Freeport, Bahamas Arrive 8:00 AM Depart 5:00 pm
- Day 5** – Thursday – Feb 25, 2016, Princess Cays, Bahamas Arrive 7:00 Am Depart 4:00 PM
- Day 6 – Friday – Feb 26, 2016, At Sea
- Day 7 – Saturday – Feb 27, 2016, At Sea
- Day 8 – Sunday – Feb 28, 2016, Houston Texas 7:00 am
- ** We had engine problems, so I think we went to Nassau instead of Princess Cays on this day.
After arriving back on the 28th, that evening I sent the following email asking for prayers as she would be having a CAT scan on Monday the 29th, at 1 PM.
Hi Guys,
It has been a while since I have sent an update. Connie is doing better in fact we were on vacation last week and it was good for her to get away. Sometimes the food did not agree with her but overall, we had a good time.
It seems about every 8-10 days she will eat something that does not agree with her and is down for about a day. But most days she is feeling good. She is struggling to get her strength back and is still a little wobbly but hopefully, that will come back also.
She will be going for a CAT Scan tomorrow Monday, February 29th, and will see the doctor on Wednesday for the results.
We want to ask for your prayers that once again we will get good news, that the cancer is still in remission. We are thankful every day for you payers and the miracles that God has blessed us with.
For our friends who do not go to St. Jude and for those who do, we ask your prayers for our pastor Father Tim. Please pray that the good Lord will restore him and make him well again.
Thank you for your prayers and those for Father Tim also.
We are nervous and concerned but know the Lord has blessed us so far and we pray that it continues.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and good wishes.
Connie and Joel (Sparkie)
It was Monday the 29th of February, and while we were still recovering from our vacation, we were nervous as Connie had a CAT scan scheduled for that afternoon at 2. After the CAT scan, it was a little after three, and Connie and I decided to stop for burgers. There was a place on the way home that had good burgers and Connie and I liked to go there. So, we stopped at Country Burger. I remember how happy I was as Connie got a burger and fries and ate it all, what a change from the summer before when I wondered if she would ever be able to eat again. I noticed on the calendar for Tuesday, March 1st, Meals on Wheels was scheduled but the program had transferred from the Allen Community Outreach (ACO) to the Allen Senior Center at the beginning of January and after almost 8 years of Connie helping Lizzie deliver food for meals on wheels the first Tuesday of each month, Lizzie decided not to continue and find another avenue for her volunteer time.
March
Wednesday the 2nd, was an important day as we were to meet with Dr. Connor about the results of the CAT scan at 1 that afternoon. We were nervous and anxious to see what the CAT scan showed. Below is the email that I sent out after that visit.
Hi Guys,
Thank you, guys, for your prayers, we got good news today. The doctor told her she was still in remission. He wants her to go see another doctor about a problem that he does not think is related to her cancer. He just wanted to double check but he was pretty confident it was not related to her cancer.
We will see the doctor again in about a month for blood work as she was a little anemic then we will be doing another CAT scan in a couple of months,
We are thankful for your prayers and for once again the good news, that the cancer is still in remission. We are thankful every day for the miracles that God has blessed us with.
For our friends who do not go to St. Jude and for those who do, we ask your prayers for our pastor Father Tim. Please pray that the good Lord will restore him and make him well again.
Please keep us in your prayers and for Father Tim also.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and good wishes.
Connie and Joel (Sparkie)
The problem I mentioned in the email above that Dr. Connor, wanted her to check with another doctor was something Connie had not told me because she did not want to worry me. It turns out it was the reason that Friday night on the cruise she turned to me with tears in her eyes and asked me if she was dying and I remember I told her no. It was that she noticed blood in her stool but because it was red the doctor did not think it was associated with her cancer but maybe from hemorrhoid. We were so happy with that news, especially the fact that the doctor told her she was still in remission.
That Friday, the 4th, I went to the periodontist for deep cleaning, and I was so happy because of the good news we had about Connie. I had gotten to know a lot of people there, so it was good to share the news with them.
On Monday the 7th, I took Lizzie and Connie into Solis for their mammograms. It was at 8 that morning as Connie liked to get in and get it over with. Lizzie knew that Connie was always scared of going for her mammogram, so she started scheduling hers on the same day to provide Connie with someone to go with and to keep her calm. Connie had many false results over the years and after she went back, they turned out to be nothing. For the last few years, she had found a person there who I believe her name was Nettie and she had always scheduled her appointment with her. I had gone with them several times and we always went out to celebrate with breakfast afterward. I remember this time because we had a big laugh afterward. Connie had asked Lizzie where she wanted to go for breakfast and I believe Lizzie said IHOP, then Connie said why don’t we go to the “Egg and I”. we all laughed about it because Connie was asking her where she wanted to go and then she was suggesting we go to another place. What was funny, is that Connie always had a reason. Her reason this time was Lizzie could always go to IHOP, but the Egg and I were in a different town. Connie ate well that morning and I remember us talking about taking a trip to Tennessee in April. Connie was trying to convince Lizzie to go with us.
The rest of that week was filled with doctor appointments for me. That afternoon, I started physical therapy for my back surgery that I had done in January. The next day I went to see my rheumatologist. On Thursday I had to go get X-rays to take to my visit with the urologist the next day.
My first physical therapist appointment was an evaluation, and I started the PT on the 16th. I think I was in denial, as I noticed Connie was not feeling as good as she had been, but for some reason, my brain would not let me acknowledge it. I had another PT appointment on the 18th.
Not much was happening the next week as I tried to block it out of my mind that Connie was feeling worse. Looking back on it now, I think I saw it but for some reason at that time, I could not accept it. On Wednesday the 23rd, we went to a park close to the house but in another neighborhood and went for a walk. Connie likes to walk and before my back surgery, I was unable to walk as much as I know she would have liked.
I called Dr. Connor on the 23rd, or 24th and they decided that they needed to do another scan. The nurse had told me that insurance might not pay for it and Connie was worried, but I was able to eliminate that worry from her quickly when I told her we had plenty of money to pay for the scan even if the insurance did not cover it, but they did.
I took Connie in on Tuesday the 29th, for her scan and blood work. I think it was on Wednesday, we saw the doctor that morning and he said Connie’s iron was extremely low and he wanted her to come in and they would give her iron. It would take all day at least 8 hours. I went in to make an appointment for Connie, and I made it for Friday since I had an eye doctor’s appointment on Thursday morning. I told Connie I had made it for Friday, and then Lizzie who was with us said she could bring Connie on Thursday, I went in to change the appointment but they did not have anything open on Thursday so we would have to do it on Friday, the 1st, of April.
On Wednesday, I had Physical Therapy in the afternoon, and I knew Connie was not feeling well.
On the morning of March 31st, I had an appointment with Dr. Fellman for my eyes. He is a glaucoma specialist and had done my cataract surgery. The appointment was at 9 but it always took a couple of hours. I had gotten a text from Lizzie that she was going over to see Connie after adoration. She always did adoration from ten till eleven on Thursday and now and then when something would come up Connie and I would fill in for her. I texted Connie to let her know Lizzie was coming. After my doctor’s appointment, I took my time getting home, as I knew Connie would like to have some time with Lizzie. I ended up getting home at about 12:15 and Lizzie was cleaning the house for Connie as she was lying down because she was in some pain and not feeling good. Around 1;30, I ordered lunch for the three of us, and the thing I remember was that Connie only ate a little bit and then went to lie down in the master bedroom. I went to lie down with her and held her hand. I tried to convince her to go to the Emergency Room as she was in some pain. I could not convince her. As Lizzie left, she told me that Connie had asked her if she was dying, and she said no. Connie did not feel any better the rest of the day. That evening around 7, I went to CVS and got some soda as we both thought some carbonation my help her, but it did not.
April
I am not sure why, but we were a little bit late leaving Friday morning for her appointment to get an infusion of iron. We stopped by the donut shop on Stacey Road. Connie stayed in the car and I went in and got myself an Apple Fritter and I got Connie a Blueberry Cake donut (that was the last thing I bought her). I ate all of mine, but Connie only ate about half of hers, so I finished it. When we were driving through Twin Creeks, Connie said I knew I should have stayed on the maintenance chemo and I said Connie we took the doctor’s advice and made the best decision we could. I could not help but agree with her more, why did we not do the maintenance chemo? I know it was because the doctor said that the chemo was so hard on her that he recommended us not, but how I wished now we had made a different decision. I honestly believe it probably would not have changed the outcome, but it may have bought us more time. Anyway, I digress, we were late getting to the doctor’s office and had thought we would start the infusion of iron right away. We did not, the doctor wanted to see us, and he told us that he wanted us to go to the emergency room, and they would admit Connie and do the iron transfusion there.
We arrived at the ER right about ten that morning and I took Connie in and got her seen in the ER. I then went to find a parking place and returned to the ER. I had called Lizzie and told her they were admitting Connie and she came around 11:30. A little after noon, Dr. Cooley came and visited her. It was then we learned that they were going to keep her and monitor her as they were worried about her intestines busting. They were trying to get her through the weekend and would do a procedure on Monday. Connie was in a lot of pain but refused pain pills as she knew that would make her constipation worse. I know she was scared and so was I, but she did admit the hospital was where she needed to be at this time. I had left around 8 that night and I received a call from a salesman at the Subaru dealership in McKinney about a new car. I told him that I could not deal with that right now with everything going on with Connie. I forgot to mention the previous week we had gone to that dealership on a Tuesday or Wednesday and had driven a Subaru Outback. Afterward, I remember us stopping at McAlister’s Deli for sandwiches. Connie and I had started looking at new cars as we were planning on buying a new one.
That evening when I got home, I sent the following email to update her friends on what was going on. I never would have thought that would have been the last email before her transition. It is below.
Hi Guys,
I want again to ask you for your prayers. Connie is back in the hospital. We have been trying to find out what was causing her pain and when we went to the oncologist this morning, he sent her to the emergency room. She again has some kind of blockage in her bowels.
As of right now, we do not know what is going to happen. They are trying some things this weekend and hope it will open her up. The 3 doctors I spoke to are concerned. They are not sure what is causing the blockage it could be a reoccurrence of the cancer they are just not sure. We ask for your prayers that this will clear up this weekend. If not, the doctors are not sure of the next step. Because her condition complicates what can be done.
We are back to where we were last year with her not being able to eat.
Please keep Connie in your prayers that this blockage will resolve itself this weekend.
We are still thankful every day for the miracles that God has blessed us with, and we hope we get another one.
Again, thank you so much for your prayers and good wishes.
Also please keep our pastor Fr. Tim and his family in your prayers.
Joel (Sparkie)
I do not remember much about Saturday but sitting there with Connie. I think both Dr. Connor and Dr. Cooley came by. I did attend mass on Sunday morning and rushed to the hospital hoping to catch the doctors. You could tell Connie was in pain, but she was not complaining at all. Dr. Colley came by that afternoon and talked to her about a procedure they were going to do the next day. He was not going to do it but was having a specialist who had done this procedure several times before. When we talked to the nurses, they said a lot of doctors call on him for these kinds of procedures. They told us he was a good doctor and we felt better based on everything the nurses were saying. That afternoon, Connie did a lot of walking around the floor she was located on which was the 4th floor where they put cancer patients. I felt she was doing better. She asked me to call Lizzie and have her bring a hairdryer the next morning because she wanted to wash her hair before surgery which was supposed to be around one that afternoon. That night Connie was worried about me because she knew it had been hard on me to take care of her. I told her not to worry as I had recovered over the last three months and was ready to do it again. I told her we beat this damn cancer once and we will do it again. I did not want her to feel she was putting a burden on me because she was not after all the sacrifice, she had made for me it was my turn to return the favor and let her know how much I really loved her.
I got there early Monday morning and helped Connie get a shower as she wanted to clean up before surgery. I also found a hairdryer and I blow-dried her hair. It felt so good to be able to do something for her. As soon as eight am came I called my regular doctor and canceled my appointment for that morning. I also called Lizzie to tell her we did not need the hairdryer. Connie had a bowel movement that morning, it was small, but it was something. I told her not to flush the toilet, so we could show it to Dr. Cooley. I also said maybe we could not do the surgery, but she said no, she needed it. She hid her pain very well, but I know she was hurting. I left the room to get something for her and I am not sure what it was now, but when I got back, someone had come in and flushed the toilet, I was so mad.
Lizzie came around ten and spent some time with us. Connie encouraged Lizzie and me to get a bit to eat before surgery as it would be a while before we would be able to eat again. We went down for a quick twenty-minute lunch and when we got back they were getting ready to take her down to surgery. She told us what a nice prayer the nurse said for her. We went down to a waiting area for her surgery. Connie did not say much as I am sure she was praying the rosary as I could see her counting on her hands. Finally, a little before one a guy from the operating room came out to talk to us. But he was not the doctor, he said the doctor would come out after the surgery. As they started to wheel her away for surgery, I leaned over kissed her on the forehead, and said “I Love You’, those would be the last words I would say to her while she was conscious.
Oh No!!!
The procedure they were doing was to place a stint in her colon to try to keep it open. It was too long after they had taken her into surgery, that our gastroenterologist Dr. Cooley came out and said the procedure was done but it was hard placing the spling and they hoped it would hold and get her some relief. He did not do the procedure as he said he needed someone with more experience and had done several before. I am not sure but I think the surgeon that did the procedure was also there when all of a sudden someone came and grabbed both of them to go back into the surgical room.
A few minutes later they informed me that her bowels had opened up and was draining into her abdomen. I immediately called the church and asked them to say a rosary for Connie. I am not sure how long it was but maybe an hour later they told me they were taking Connie to intensive care. By the time I got there, she was surrounded by people. There must have been 10 people around her bed working on her. They let me go in for a quick minute to see her as I was there the doctor who did the surgery came by but did not say anything to me. I am not sure how long all those people stay in the room but it seemed like an hour. Finally, there were only a few attending to her and I was able to stay in the room.
Lizzie was with me through all of this but several people arrived to support me and Connie. Fr. Tim who was also ill at the time, had just turned over the pastorship of St. Jude to Fr. Andrew whose first Sunday as pastor was the day before. Deacon Ron and others.
Dr London was at the hospital he was the one who had done the exploratory surgery and discovered the cancer. The doctors talked to him about doing an emergency surgery on her but he told them the same thing he had told Connie and me that with what he had seen during the exploratory surgery that the surgery would not help at all. Connie and I always liked him as he came across as straightforward and honest plus he was the only one that had been in her abdomen and saw what was there. He had ruled out surgery immediately after doing the exploratory surgery almost a year ago.
Lizzie’s husband Dave showed up to also offer support. The next 7 or 8 hours ae a blur as so many people were coming in and out of the room but I was now able to stay in the room with her. I knew it was bad but I still was praying and hoping. Somewhere around 10 pm, they told me her kidneys had quit functioning and did I wanted to put her on dialysis. I asked them if I needed to make that decision right now and they told me no but I would have to let them know in the next three or 4 hours. I do remember Brenda, Sonja, Gary and Carol came by that night after 10. I do remember Brenda, Sonja, Gary and Carol came by that night after 10.
One of the hospital doctors came by and told me not to give up hope.
She was plugged into all these machines and she did not want that as we had discussed it many times. I kept asking the ICU doctors what should I do and, if there was any hope. They just kept telling me that there was hope but it was very small.
Finally, around 1 am on Tuesday, I told them to turn the machines off. After weighing everything even if they could find someone to do an abdominal surgery, the odds that it would be successful were very small. There was so much bacteria in her abdomen from the bowels. The recovery would be long and hard plus even if she was able to overcome that, the cancer was still there. In my heart, I knew what Connie wanted but that did not make the decision any easier. I know the ICU doctor thought I should stop the treatment but they would not say it.
I still cry every time I think about that decision. As I said before In my heart I know it was the right decision, but I always play the what-if games. I just felt that Connie would have wanted me to make that decision rather than put her through any more suffering.
A few weeks later I met with the oncologist and we talked about my decision he informed me that if I had not made that decision, the ICU doctors would have made it for me.
Now I know why I have not written about this because I can hardly see the keyboard because of the tears. Connie forgive me but I did what I think you wanted because I know how hard the cancer had been on you and I could not put you through anymore. I love you and I miss you so much.
Lizzie and I left the hospital together and she followed me home to make sure I got there ok. At 2:22 am on the 5th of April, I sent the following email.
Hi Guys,
Connie went to be with our Heavenly Father this morning at 12:45 a.m.
She was the love of my life and I miss her so much already. I know she is in a better place but the world without her is so lonely for me.
I cannot think anymore. Good night.
Also please keep our pastor Fr. Tim and his family in your prayers.
Joel (Sparkie)
Preparing For The Funeral and The Funeral (Connie’s Service)
I did not sleep much after sending the email. I was up at about 6, putting the trash and recycling out for pick-up. I know I was not functioning well as I was still so devastated.
I was at the church as soon as they opened at 9 AM to start the preparation for her service. I met with Fr. Vic and I am not sure who else was there from the church but Lizzie came and joined me to help me through the preparations. Connie and I both liked Fr. Vic, I do not know why he was the one that showed up at the funeral meeting but I am glad it was him. I was going to ask Fr. Vic to do the service if Fr. Russ was not available. Our first choice had been Fr. Tim but he was beginning to show signs of dementia and had a doctor appointment during that time that he needed to keep. That appointment got canceled and Fr. Tim was able to participate in her funeral mass which I am so grateful for. All three of the priests had been married at one time and Fr. Vic, and Fr. Russ had both lost their wives. We had known Fr. Russ’s wife Vickie. Fr. Tim was a married priest who had come over from the Episcopalian church and was a gifted speaker. he also was a very dedicated priest. I know when we were going in for exploratory surgery to see if they could find out what was wrong with Connie, he came to the church and did the anointing of the sick, even though he had just lost his mother the day before. Fr. Vic told me at that meeting he had lost his wife on April 5th, but that was back in 1985. I remember when he first showed up at St. Jude, he came over and worked in the Food Pantry within a few days after he arrived. If he was doing the 8 AM mass on Sunday, he would get there early and clean the bathrooms, even though we had people assigned to do that.
After the meeting which lasted about an hour and a half, Lizzie went with me to Turrentine to make arrangements for the cremation, flowers, etc.. I do not remember much about that at all, I think I was in a fog, and I am so glad Lizzie was there to help me through it. Lizzie and her family provided the main flowers for her funeral. The arrangement on the day of her service was placed beside her pictures at the front of the church. The flowers were orange roses because she liked that color. Thank you Lizzie, Lawrence and Beanie, Matt and Lollie, and Laura and Bob.
Those first few days, even though you are very sad and heartbroken there is so much to be done, that in a way it may help you. On Tuesday afternoon, I begin trying to get things ready. I found a document on the computer that Connie had created in January 2013 that contained information about what she wanted at her funeral. It was additional information to the one she had created in October of 2012. I did not know they existed, she may have told me but I had forgotten. She had listed all the songs, she wanted to be played, the scriptures she wanted to be read, and whom she would like to speak at her funeral.
The songs were: “Ave Maria”, “On Eagle’s Wings”, “Be Not Afraid”, and “You Are Near”.
She also listed a reading she wanted to be used at her funeral. I did not know this but at a catholic funeral they recommend certain scripture readings and they can vary by the time of year. Connie had wanted Psalm 91: 14-15 read but that was not on the list of scriptures, that I had to choose from. After I explained to Fr. Vic, why I wanted that reading, he was fine with it and we were able to use it. Here are the verses in case you are not familiar with them.
“Whoever clings to me I will deliver,
Whoever knows My name I will set on high.
All who call upon Me I will answer,
I will be with them in distress;
I will deliver them and give them honor.
With length of days I will satisfy them
And show them My saving power.”
Psalm 91:14-16
Connie must have directed me to that because on Tuesday afternoon I was looking for pictures for a slide show for her reception and also selecting pictures to be put on a table at the reception. That was when I came across those documents.
I believe on Wednesday, I spent a lot of time working on that and also selected some pictures on my computer to send to Walgreens to print for me. Either that day or the next day, I finalized the arrangements for her service. It was easy because of the document Connie, had left me. Her service was scheduled for 11 AM on Tuesday the 12th. She also stated in the document who she would want to say something at her service. I was disappointed that Fr. Vic would not allow me to say anything and that they would not let someone say anything at the service. I did have some people speak about her at the rosary service the night before.
On Thursday in the early afternoon, Lizzie and I went back to Turrentine as I needed to identify the body before the cremation that weekend. That was an extremely hard day, as it was the first time, I had seen her since leaving the hospital early Tuesday morning.
Lizzie and her family left for St. Louis to visit her two children (Matthew and Lindsey) who were both in Medical School at Washington University Medical School.
My Friday and Saturday were full as I was so busy making sure I had all the right pictures and a slide show to show at the reception and the music to go with the slide show. I do remember picking up some pictures at Walgreens on Saturday afternoon. I had pictures of her as a senior in high school and College made into 8×10 for her service.
Sunday was another hard day, as I went back to the funeral home, as they were doing her cremation that morning. I had asked them to wait until after 9:30 that morning, so I could go to mass. I did not have to be there but I wanted to. I left after they got everything ready for the cremation but before they started it. Sunday was a hard day but I was still busy getting everything ready. That evening the Briers called me from St. Louis and I got to talk to all of them (Dave, Lizzie, Matthew, and Lindsey). It was so nice for them to call.
On Monday, I went to get a haircut and then drove down to Love Field to pick up my brother and sister-in-law (Doug and Chris). After I picked them up. I took them to Heritage Ranch for lunch and then gave them a car to use. About mid-afternoon, I went to the funeral home (Turrentine) to pick up Connie’s ashes. As we had already paid for a place at the St. Jude Colomabadium they had provided the Urn. I took Connie for one last ride, I even drove all around Heritage Ranch as she liked to do that now and then. I then brought her home for a little while before taking her to St. Judes as we were doing the rosary that night at 7 PM. After I picked my brother and sister-in-law up for a little bite to eat before the rosary service. We went to a place called Zoe’s. It started pouring down rain as soon as we got in there and it stopped a few minutes before we left for the church. When we pulled into the parking lot, there was a rainbow over the church and the sky was clear. The rosary service was very nice as Lizzie, Gary, and Carol got up to speak about Connie. They were such nice words that helped comfort me. After dropping my brother and sister-in-law off, I had a very restless night.
The service was at noon on April 12th, which happened to be my mother’s birthday. I got to the church early and my brother and sister-in-law a little bit later. Since there was not much family there, I had Connie’s good friends from St. Jude sit in the area designated for families. I am probably leaving someone out but if I remember it was the Briers, the Steffens, the Yahnkes, and there are probably some others that I am forgetting. I followed the priests carrying her urn, and Lizzie followed me carrying a cross. The readers were Keith Buchanan and David Brier. Connie had requested them at one time. Also, Mary and John Boyle were in the choir as they sat near us at mass and Connie loved their voices.
The service is a fog for me as I do not remember what was said.
Afterward, there was a reception in the church for those attending the mass. Connie would have been pleased as there were between 175 and 200 people were there.
At the reception, we played the slide show I had put together. It was broken into the following segments; Connie, The Early Years, The Engagement and Wedding, Pals, The Two Of Us, Trips, Birthdays, Cooking, and Doggies. The background music that was playing was “More”, “My Heart Belongs To Only You”, “ I Can Not Smile Without You” and “On Eagles Wings”.
After the reception, I took some of the flowers to the local hospital and asked them to give them to some of their patients.
My life has forever been changed.
Afterwards
The following are my experiences as I am sure there are similarities among all of you who have lost a spouse but there are also many differences in our experiences. Below are some of mine.
Wow, after the funeral service, it really hit me hard. During the week before there was so much to do and you were focused on getting those things accomplished. Afterward, there was still a lot to do but the reality of what had happened overtakes all the things I needed to accomplish. I kept going over all the decisions we made during your cancer journey and always wondered if we had made different ones what would have happened. I am not sure but I think it would have bought Connie a little more time and a lot more suffering. Thinking about that hurts so much.
I found I could not deal with being at home alone, it was just too hard being there by myself. So, the church let me use one of their conference rooms. I used it almost every day between 9 and 3 for almost 6 months. Being there, I was able to start working on all the other things that needed to be done. Having people around was so much better than being at home all alone. Plus, the people there were able to help me. They would fax information for me especially if it required a death certificate. To this day I have never been able to look at the death certificate.
Those weeks after the funeral are so hard. There are still a lot of things to do but there is also more time to think about your loss.
Eventually, it brings out some things that you are not proud of such as envy, jealousy, etc. I do not know if everyone experiences this or just me. After a little while, I would see an older couple together and say why could that not have been Connie and I. We always joke about growing old together, Sitting in the church and seeing couples going up to get a blessing for their wedding anniversary, and knowing Connie and I would not do that again made me envious. Being around people helped but hearing them make plans for the weekend and vacations was hard too, as I knew Connie and I would not be making any more. I was surprised about how much these little insignificant things brought me sadness. I think it was in 2007 when we attended the funeral of a young lady, I think she was about 21 and had been in an accident on a motorcycle. She and her parent sit in front of us at mass every Sunday morning. I think that night at dinner was the first time we acknowledged that our life was going on as usual but their life would be forever changed.
Then there are the other little things, such as riding in the car with no one to talk to, coming home, and Connie not being there. It was a long time before I could sit at the kitchen table and eat, or watch TV in the TV rooms. Missing Connie’s presence at those places was so hard at first. The first time I would go to a restaurant that we used to go to also brought back memories and tears. The nights seemed to be longer and sleeping became harder. Things changed so much and it was hard adjusting to. No more Sunday dinner at a nice restaurant, no more long rides where we just talked about anything. The quietness of the house was difficult to get used to. Watching TV shows that we used to watch together was hard.
There are just so many things that change, just little things that you have taken for granted. You are no longer a part of a pair (Connie & Sparkie), it is just you now. I know those in my blog that have lost a spouse may recognize some of these feelings and I am sure they have had different ones. At first, it was hard being with our friends because you can feel like a third wheel. Things improve over time, but there are still moments when the deep grieve of those first few months hit you hard,