Connie would have laughed at this song selection for the funnies. We were coming back from San Antonio on December 27th, 2014. She was playing this song and was in such an upbeat mood she did not realize she was speeding. Yes, a state trooper pulled us over and gave her a ticket. She did her best to blame it on Barry Manilow, but it did not work.
I share these stories in loving memory of Connie, if she was here, she would tell them herself as she loved to laugh. Thanks, Connie, for always making me laugh. (I miss you!).
An Index to the Funnies
(Click to go directly to a story)
Germany — 1966
The Dropped Blanket June 1968
The Shoe Exchange July 1968
The First Cake Spring of 1969
The Mute June 1970
The Pee-Cans 1970
The Driving Test August 1970
The Laundromat 1971
Shoplifting 1971
St Patrick Day March 1971
That Hamburger Smell Spring 1972
Thanksgiving November 1972
Red Socks June 1973
Baby Sitters July 1973
Japanese Hamburgers July 1973
Target 1976
The Firemen 1976
Crying Wolf August 1979
Barley or Wheat or Oats
The Wrap Around Skirt October1976
The Disappearing Milkshake Spring 1978
The Shoe Toss 1980 or 1981
The Purse March 1983
Toe Nails 1986
The Baby 1986
Speeding Fall of 1987
Wedding Crashers Spring of 1989 o 1990
Breakfast of Champions
The Baby Bet –1993
Cookies — 1993
Not Everyone Wants To Talk To You — 1994
Water Skiing — The mid-90’s
The Dead Man — mid-90’s
Embarrassment in Hope Arkansas Spring 1998
Pervert Patrol — Fall 1998
Toilet Paper — 1999
The Husband Give Away February 2000
The Tattoo Machine — Early 2000’s
New House — March 2004
The Microwave Radio Oct 2004
Underwear and The Coyotes Oct 2004
Golfing March 2005
Burn Nurse February 2006
The Liquor Store 2006 or 2007
The Key Lime Pie 2012
Sprichst du Deutsch — July 1966
This blog is supposed to be about Connie and my life together, but I am including this story only because Connie always thought it was funny.
I joined the United States Air Force in February 1966. I had a date to leave toward the end of February, but I received my draft notice for the United States for mid-February 1966. I called my Air Force Recruiter had him move up my start date to February 4th, I spent 6 weeks at Lackland Air Force base in San Antonio Texas for basic training and then 3 months in Amarillo Tx for Technical training.
I finished all my training around the 3rd week of June and then had about a month off before I was to report to Buechel Germany for my next assignment. I left Shelbyville, Tennessee on Monday, July 18th. I arrived in Charleston SC, late that night and spend some of that day seeing Charleston. My plane for Frankfurt Germany left late that evening around 10 PM and arrived in Frankfurt late that Wednesday afternoon on the 20th. I was put up at the AFB there and told to be ready the next morning by 8 AM as they would take me to the train station and put me on a train to Cochem Germany which was the biggest town near Buechel.
They took me to the train station and told me to get on the train that came at 9:11 AM not the one at 9:08 nor the one at 9:13 but the one at 9:11. So I did. Now here is where things started going wrong. Buechel is a German Air Force base with about 5,000 German soldiers and about 75 American soldiers. So, I thought I would learn a little German. I started trying to talk to people on the train and I would say “Sprichst du Deutsch?” everyone would start rattling everything off in German. I thought I was asking them do you speak English, but I got so confused I was asking them if they spoke German which of course I did. I should have said “Sprichst du English?”. The train ride was almost 5 hours and it took me 4 hours to realize I was not asking them if they spoke English. I noticed that the train did not stop very long at each station, so I was ready when we got to Cochem.
Now, I thought things would be ok but was I wrong again. They had told me that there would be someone there to meet me but there was not. Finally, after about 30 minutes, I decided to try to find somewhere I could exchange some American dollars for German Marks. I found a bank close to the train station and made the exchange. I then went back to the train station and tried to call the number I had been given. It turns out it was to the switchboard at the German base and after a few seconds of speaking English they would hang up on me. I finally located a gentleman that spoke English and he called and had the operator put me through to the American on the base. They were shocked to hear from me as they knew I was coming in July but had no idea that I was coming today. I lucked out as it was almost 5:30 pm and there was still one person in the office. He told me to stay there and they would send someone to get me. The German base was only about 20 minutes from Cochem, so they arrived pretty quickly. I was so thrilled that I had made it through the day. I was really tired but the guy they sent wanted to stay and have a few beers. It was about 8 pm before I finally made it to the base.
The Dropped Blanket (June 1968)
It was a Sunday afternoon in mid-June and a little chilly for summer. Connie and I had gone to a lake with her sister and brother-in-law. I had lost a ring that had been given to me by my father when I finished the 8th grade. We were looking for the ring when some of the Germans asked us what we were looking for and when we told them several of them started helping us look. Finally, one German lady said I found it. She dropped the blanket that she had wrapped around her to pick up my ring and handed it to me. As most of you know the Germans to not feel as uncomfortable about nudity as we do. Anyway, she had nothing on and here she is handing me my ring and Connie is trying to cover my eyes. The problem was my eyes were so wide open that Connie’s little hand could not cover them completely. Connie was always there to protect me whether I thought I needed it or not. Love you, Connie.
The Shoe Exchange (July 1968)
Connie could be a little mischievous at times. I learned this early on. It was July 1968 and Connie, her sister and brother and law (Danny) had taken me to Frankfurt Germany where I was to fly home. We went the day before and spent the night at a hotel near the Air Force Base. In Germany, you never wear your shoes into the hotel room, you leave them outside your door. The next morning starting early at about 6 AM Danny and I started hearing all this commotion in the hall. It kept continuing for the next forty-five minutes to an hour so I went to check out what was going on. Lo and behold someone and switched everyone’s shoes around including mine and Danny’s. Guess who had caused all the ruckus, yes it was Connie. Late that night she went and switched everybody’s shoes from their room to someone else room. Thank goodness, she kept them in pairs. That was just the beginning of my adventures with Connie. I sure do miss them.
The First Cake – Spring of 1969.
When I visited Connie, for the first time in the Spring of 1969, I met her mother and brother for the first time. After dinner, we were served a piece of cake for dessert, that Connie had made. That should have been my first hint about Connie’s cooking in the future but being so young and in love, it never really dawned on me that Connie talents might not lie in the kitchen. If I remember correctly it was a cholate cake with white frosting (but I could be totally wrong on that). The piece I got was fine as I thought it was good but then her brother-in-law made a comment and showed us the piece he had gotten. It was less cake and more frosting. Connie had given me a piece from one side which was great but the other side was a bit slanted.
I remember in later years Connie was still saying why could not Danny just eat the cake and be quiet. Why did he have to point it out to everyone? In all fairness to Connie, hers was nowhere near that bad. The bottom piece was perfect as it was only the top piece that was slanted. So, a few very few got half cake and half frosting but a lot of it was ok. This will lead to another story in the future Connie and Lizzie cake decorating class.
The Mute – (June 1970)
It funny as I can remember the exact day, time and location that this story happened. We were traveling from Virginia Beach (where we had spent our honeymoon) and after spending the night in the car we were on the road again. Around 8:00 that morning, we had pulled into a place for breakfast and I believe it was in Johnson City. It was not an IHOP or Denny’s, but it was a place like that. After breakfast, we took off to continue our journey to Murfreesboro. I do not think IH-40 was finished at the time but if I was, we had to get off and take a detour. Right around 10:30, just before we were going to get back on the interstate we stopped. We were right on the line were the Eastern Time Zone changed to the Central Time Zone. This was a little old store like a 7-Eleven or Quick Stop but nothing else around. They had a big pen attached to the store and inside it was a bear. Now I was just joking when I said this to Connie when we go in there let me do all the talking as some people down here do not care for Yankees. Well, Connie though I was serious. So, when I picked up something and ask her if she would like that she just nodded. Now the guy behind the counter was not so bad, he was not wearing overall, kind of a big guy, and still had some of his teeth. Connie would just nod her head every time the guy said something. The guys ask me if she could talk and I said no. Well, she a pretty little thing I am sorry she Mute. I got in the car and Connie and I started laughing. I said Connie you know I was joking right Connie said yes but said I did not say anything because the guy was scary. We had a good laugh for the next 10 miles. What I did not realize at the time was that Connie was very reluctant to speak when we went into stores for the first couple of months. Looking back on it that was kind of nice, I got to do all the talking. I really miss the fun you brought into our lives and I have come to appreciate the laughter you are still giving me.
The Pee Cans 1970
The Pee-Cans (1970)
Connie was from Connecticut and I was from Tennessee so there was a little cultural difference when we got married. The nut pecan can be pronounced two ways; one is pe-con which is the way we say it in the south, but Connie pronounced it pee-can. We had only been married a couple of months when she had gone to Kroger’s and ask one of the workers there where the pee-cans where. After he asked her a couple of times and she kept saying pee-cans, he finally took her to the lady’s restroom. Needless to say, she was ready to go back North after that. It was over a year before she went back to that Kroger’s.
The Driving Test (August 1970)
I thought Connie was prepared for her driving test. But I was really in for a surprise. In Murfreesboro Tennessee, the driving test is not very complicated. Back in the 1970’s they did them on a Tuesday at the National Guard Armory. I have enclosed a picture of the building that used to be the National Guard Armory.
The parking lot was all gravel. Connie was taking the test in our Volkswagen. If you look at the picture, I was standing on the top step so proud of her knowing she would do great. The state trooper called her name and she walked out so proudly and they got in the car. Now realize all she had to do was pull out of a gravel parking lot on to a two-lane paved road with trees on each side of the road drive up the road and come back. I was a little concerned at the start as she popped the clutch and the state trooper’s hat went flying into the back seat. But after that, she was doing great until I saw her pull off the road and go between two trees. I had no idea what she was doing. Then as she was ready to get back on the road she stopped, I was not sure why as there was a car coming but it was a long way off. She finally pulled out and stalled right in front of the car. I knew she was in trouble then. Finally, without any other incident, she pulled back into the armory and stopped. I could see her pointing at me so proudly. Anyway, the state trooper came up the steps and ask me if I was the one that had taught her to drive. Of course, I said yes, and he then said if you ever bring someone else like that out here to take their driving test I will pull your licenses.
After we got into the car, I said Connie what happened, I said I understand you popped the clutch and threw his hat in the back seat but why did you pull off the road and go between two trees, and she said he said turn here so I did. There was a little gravel road about 50-75 yards away, that she could have pulled into and turned around but know she went between the two trees because the state trooper said turn here. Ok, I said but why did you wait so long and pull out in front of that car and stop. Connie then explained to me that at this time she knew he was really mad and wanted to show him she was a courteous driver, but he kept yelling go, go, go so when I went the car stalled.
I drove her home and have never seen anyone so disappointed and down. I drop her at the house and had to get back to work, as it turns out the state trooper came by the house later and Connie was so excited because she thought he was going to tell her he made a mistake and she was going to get her license. But he had gotten so confused that he forgot to get her to sign the paperwork that she had failed.
We went out driving again that evening and she kept practicing. She wanted to go back and take the test again the next week, but I refused to go back that soon. She talked Barbara Paige into taking her. Barbara was the wife of one of the guys I worked. Anyway, she came by a few hours later with a paper that she had passed her driving test and had a temporary license until they sent her the permeant one through the mail. I will never forget her saying to me “Sparkie, the state trooper asked me why I did not pass the last time and she told him I have no earthly idea’. Thanks, Connie for all the happiness, joy and fun you brought into my life. I miss you every day.
The Laundromat (1971)
I was going to school full time and working at a grocery chain called Cooper Martin. Right next door to the supermarket was a laundromat were Connie would do our laundry. I remember some of the guys I was working with (Jim Davis, Larry Paige, Ronnie Parker, etc.). They would take groceries out to the car and coming back in and look at me and start laughing. I was stocking the aisle I was assign too. As we left that night they all followed me over to the laundromat., I was wondering what was going on, when Connie pulled out my suit that she had washed and it looked like it might fit a three-year-old. Connie was horrified and all the guys were laughing so hard. But I took it in stride because I could see how devastated she was.
It was the only suit I had. Here is a picture of me wearing it when I was at her house in the spring of 1969. As you all know Connie liked hats and here she is trying one out on me.
Shoplifting (Spring 1971)
Connie, laugh so hard when I came home and told her this story. As I have mentioned in my blog, I worked at a grocery store called Cooper-Martin it was a chain in Tennessee back in the 1960s and 1970s. I was attending college and working full time. Since it was a college town, we had some shoplifting going on. Every now and then the manager or assistant manager suspecting someone of shoplifting and would assign one of us to keep an eye on them. This spring day I was assigned to watch a young lady from the university that the manager thought had been shoplifting. Sure, enough I caught her put some items in her purse. After she had checked out and not paid for them the store manager stops her and brought her to the back of the store where he confronted her and said that I had seen her put items in her purse. He threatened to call the police, she got so scared she pees on the floor right there in front of us. So not only did I catch a shoplifter I also got to clean up her mess. Oh, by the way, we never called the police or charged anyone as most of them were college students and the manager figured that catching and embarrassing them was enough to stop most of them. So, if you ever confront someone for shoplifting be prepared to clean up the mess.
St. Patrick Day (March 1971)
It was March 1971, and since Connie was Irish (with a last name of O’Neill) she was excited about St. Patrick’s Day, here first in the south. It was a big celebration up north but as she soon learned it was not that big in Tennessee in 1971. I try to tell her it would be nothing like it was up north. So, when she was getting groceries in the grocery store where I worked, right before St. Patrick Day, she saw one of the guys I worked with a guy named Jim O’Brien. She went up to Jim and said Hey Jim — Happy St. Patrick day and he said what! She said I thought you were Irish, are you Scottish. Jim said no I am Church of Christ. Another difference Connie learned, and she never got used to it. In the south, unlike the north where it was about nationality in the south it was what religion you belong too. Connie never ever forgot that story and never got used to people saying they were Methodist, or Baptist, etc. rather than saying they were Irish, German or Italian.
That Hamburger Smell Spring 1972
That Hamburger Smell and Vanilla Extract (Spring 1972)
These are two different stories, but I have chosen to put them together because they both happen at Copper-Martin the grocery store where I worked. It seems shoplifting always occurred more in the spring I am not sure why and most of the time it was kids from the college.
There is this one case and I am not sure you would even call it shoplifting but we always knew that when this one elderly lady came in what we had to do. We never approached her or bother her because I think we all felt for her. She seemed nice but every time she came in, she would stop by where the vanilla extract was and open a bottle and take a swig from it and then put it back on the shelf. Now, remember she had to take it out of the cardboard box it was in and put it back. We assumed she was doing it for the alcohol content but never really knew for sure. We just kept an eye on her and even if we did not see her, we knew to go check the vanilla extract and we would find one that was not quite full. It is just something that happened and everybody from the store manager on down knew she did it. I was at that store for a little over 3 years and no one ever said a word to her, after she left, we would go take the bottle off the shelf. Sometimes, I wonder why, if it had been anybody else, we would have done something. As I look back at that time, I am so glad that we did that. She was just a little old lady who would have been horrified if she thought anyone knew, but she was someone mother, grandmother, wife.
I was on shoplifting duty one day during that spring. Sometimes, we would go up above the ceiling tiles and for the most part, we had to step on two by four to make our way around. The best place to look was right over the meat market. We only went up there when the manager thought someone was shoplifting but we had not been able to catch them. Anyway, I was up there watching this young college student, a guy in his early 20’s. Sure enough, I saw him plain as day putting an item in his pants. I was kind of excited because I felt now, we had him. I was getting down to go up front to see if he paid on the way out and inform the manager. Then it happened, I missed one of the two by fours and down through the tiles I went. Luckily the fall was not very far as I fell onto a table where they were packaging hamburger meat. There must have been 30 to 40 lbs. of hamburger on that table. I hit on my feet and then slip and feel in it. I was not hurt but after the meat people working in the meat department quit laughing the meat manager was not too happy with me as he was going to have to throw all that hamburger meat out.
It was midafternoon, so I called Connie to come to pick me up because there was no way I could work at the store smelling the way I did because if I did every fly in the county would have been on me. I had not told Connie, what had happened, just that I was getting off early. She finally pulled up in the little Volkswagen and I rush out, open the door and got in quickly. I wish you could have seen her face as she looked at me and said Oh my goodness, you smell like hamburger. When I told her, what had happened she could not stop laughing. After that and my other experience with shoplifting, I ask the manager not to ask me to do that anymore. He was glad as he said the meat department could not afford to lose that much hamburger to catch a shoplifter.
Connie, you had a way of making the most awkward things I did, seem funny and I thank you for always doing that for me.
Thanksgiving (November 1972) — Connie First Time Preparing a Thanksgiving Dinner
You guys will probably think that this does not belong in “The Funnies” and when it happened I would have agreed with you but over the years it was one of the things Connie and I looked back upon and would laugh about it.
Connie’s mother had come down and was staying with Connie’s sister and Connie’s sister’s husband had also come for Thanksgiving.
The previous two years we had Thanksgiving at my mothers, but this year Connie was going to do it.
It did not start out to well as we were not sure what to do with the Turkey that had thawed out. After talking to her sister and her telling us we needed to pull the giblets from the turkey’s butt, things started going bad. Neither one of us wanted to stick our hand there and we were going back and forth like a cartoon, “No You Do It”– “No You Do It”– “No You Do It”– “No You Do It”– after about 5 minutes of trying to decide who was going to do it we came up with the perfect solution, neither one of us was going to do it. We would cook the turkey with the giblets remaining in there.
Connie had everything going on the stove, and I went down to the car for something only gone about 5 minutes and I walked back into a disaster. It seems Connie was going to make some candy and was heating up some paraffin when it caught on fire. Luckily when I walked back in, she had put it out. But she did it by throwing laundry detergent over the whole top of the stove. The carrots, the corn, the mash potatoes were all ruined.
While Connie, try to get the kitchen cleaned up, I left and tried to find a store open, but back then nothing was open on Thanksgiving Day. After about thirty or forty-five minutes, I came back empty-handed. What were we going to do all the vegetables had been ruined? All we were going to have was Turkey and rolls.
It was time for me to leave and go pick up my mother which would take me close to an hour and a half. So, Connie started going around to all the neighbors borrowing corn, potatoes, carrots, etc. Luckily, she found enough to get the Thanksgiving dinner going again. I got back with my mother a few minutes before Connie’s mother, sister, brother-in-law and their two young kids arrived. Connie just told them that dinner was running a little bit late. We were supposed to eat around one, but it was after two before we got to eat. If I remember right, she forgot to do the bread untill we sit down for dinner. I do not remember exactly what she did to hide the burn spot on the wall just over the stove, but it was good because none of them noticed it.
I will have to give her a lot of credit as she pulled it off under a lot of stress. There were too many comments. I do remember her brother-in-law saying Connie, you forget to cook the carrots. We never did have the candy she was planning on making.
It was a very stressful day for Connie, as my mother was such a good cook and Connie wanted to impress her. Well maybe that did not happen, but it was ok for her first time preparing a Thanksgiving dinner.
While it was not funny at the time, Connie and I could both look back upon it and would bring us laughter. Thank you, Connie, for the memories.
Red Socks June 1973
The Red Socks (June 1973)
This story has been told many times by Connie and I over the years but for those who have not heard it, I will share it.
I had started to work at Electronic Data Systems (EDS) on June 1st, 1973. It was my first professional job out of college. It was an extremely conservative company. Suits, white shirts, lace-up shoes and you must keep your suit jacket on unless you were sitting at your desk. One day at the end of the day my manager called me into the office and says Joel you cannot wear red socks with a brown suit. I was so embarrassed. Most of you know I am color blind when it comes to reds, greens, and browns, and other colors also but especially those. Anyway, I had done something to upset Connie the night before, so she picked out a pair of red socks for me to wear with my brown suit. Now while this may not sound funny to you and probably was not to me back then, it became something we laughed about and share with others over the years. I can still laugh about it. Now I can remember what I did to upset here believe me I never did that again.
The Baby Sitters (July 1973)
Connie’s sister and husband were moving from Murfreesboro, TN. to Knoxville TN. They had asked us to take care of Connie’s nephew (Larry 3 ½) and niece Nancy (2) for a week while they moved. Since Connie and I had no kids we were concerned about this responsibility but knew her sister and brother-in-law needed help, so we agreed. I was able to get off early one Friday and Connie and I took off to Murfreesboro about a 5-hour drive to pick up the kids. We came back early Saturday morning and were feeling good; the kids were not crying, and we took them out to eat and things went well. In fact, things were going so well that first day and we decided to go to the drive-in movies, so we put the kids in the back seat and took off. I do not even remember what the movies were about, but we had gotten the kids something to eat and they fell asleep. Back then there were no car seats for kids nor seat belts in the back seats. Connie and I left the drive-in somewhere around midnight and had completely forgotten about the kids, when suddenly I went over a railroad track to fast and then we hear these loud shouts and crying. The kids had fallen out of the backseat onto the floorboard. It scared them more than anything, but I think it scared us worse. They each had a small bump on their head but nothing serious. The next day they were sick as I guess we had given them to much junk food. Maybe that why they liked us so much because we let them eat what they wanted.
The week went kind of well. As those of you who really knew Connie, she hated to touch feet, so I was responsible for purring their socks on and off, which sometimes meant putting them on early in the morning while they were still asleep. You know Connie did it some too, but she always wanted me to do that. I thought we were doing pretty good but then the kids got what they wanted. One day I came home, and Connie was exhausted, and the edge of the carpet was still wet. She had heard the kids laughing and cutting up, she thought they were having a good time flushing the toilet, no harm in doing that until she looked down and there was water under her feet. It turns out the kids had put so m much toilet paper in the toilet that it was overflowing, and they just kept flushing and laughing.
Finally, the next Saturday came and we were to meet her sister and brother-in-law at a little town south of Cincinnati OH. We chose a place that was about the same distances for each of us. We left that Saturday morning at about 8 and were at the meeting place a little before 11 which was when we were supposed to meet. It was about a 3-hour drive for both of us. Eleven came and there was no one there to met us, no big deal as her sister was already running late. Eleven Thirty came still no sister, we were really getting worried that something may have happened to them, but we had no cell phones back then, no way of knowing where they were. Finally, around twelve-fifteen her sister arrived, we all had a nice lunch and the kids took off for their new home in Knoxville. We hated to see them go but I am not sure we did a good job of babysitting. But the kids enjoyed that week. Little, did we realize that we would no see them again for eighteen months.
Japanese Hamburgers (July 1973)
Connie and I had moved to Indianapolis Indiana at the end of May 1973. We used to travel this road on the weekends to go shopping. From the road, we saw this sign in one shopping center and we were not sure what it said but we also saw a hamburger near the sign. Connie and I laugh about it for the longest time, thinking in middle America there was a Japanese hamburger place. It was probably late July or early August when we decided to pull into that shopping center and check it out. When we pull off it said Steak ‘n Shake. We said will at least that gave it an American Name. It finally hit us after we order that the sign for the place was not Japanese after all. This was really an American place. It finally hit us that their slogan “TAKHOMASAK” really meant Take Home A Sack. Well, we could not stop laughing about how long it took us to figure that out. Thank you, Connie, for the memories.
Barley or Wheat or Oats? — September 1976
In September of 1976, we had moved to our first new house in Plano Texas. At that time most of the people moving into the home would have someone come by and do hydro-mulch for their lawn.
The process of hydro mulching involves spraying a slurry mixture of water, fiber mulch, fertilizer, and seed. There are multiple seed types available for hydro-mulch application but the most common here in North Texas is Bermuda grass seeding for full sun areas. The slurry is applied from a truck or trailer mounted tank and is sprayed via hose(s). The ideal time of the year for the warm season turfgrass seeding like Bermuda is during the Spring and Summer months. With warmer temperatures, the seed starts to germinate with 7-14 days, and you are off to a beautiful lush green lawn.
I had my yard hydro-mulch about a week after we had moved into our new house. About three days later my neighbor across the street Tim had his done. When he told me how much he paid I was flabbergasted as he paid less than half of what I did. After our lawns start coming in, I had Bermuda grass and we were not sure what they sprayed in Tim’s yard, but it was definitely not grass. I was giving Tim a hard time as we could not figure what kind of seeds, they had used for his hydro mulching. Eventually, he was able to get them to come out and redo his yard. I always teased him about that.
The Wrap Around Skirt (October 1976)
We had moved into our first home in September. It was in a brand-new subdivision with people about our ages all moving in this section of the new development from August to December. The gentlemen two doors down also worked at EDS in the banking division. Connie had noticed that he was always home around 3 o’clock every day and it was usually after 6 when I got home. So, she asks me why I had to work so many more hours than he did. But I did not have a good answer. Connie had gotten to know his wife and they seemed like a nice couple. We all agreed to go out to dinner one Friday night. Now, this is the first time we had ever gone out with this couple. We figured it would be a good time to get to know them. We decided on an Italian place down near North Park on Northwest Highway. It was great with singing waiters, who brought you wine and they had people singing all during your dinner. Connie and the other couple had a little wine and then some more and then maybe a little more. At least I was driving and did not have any. We really had a good time as we had gotten to the restaurant about 7 and it was after 11:30 when we got home.
I cannot remember the ladies name, but his name was Chuck and they were from the Washington DC area. I remember her father was wealthy and big in one of the political circles. Anyway, Connie and I were both in for a shock. When we got out of the car in our garage, we asked them if they want to come in and they said yes. But as soon as we started in the house Chuck’s wife had a wraparound skirt on. When we got into the house, she had removed her skirt and had nothing on underneath but her pantyhose’s. Immediately as Connie turned around and saw her, she said would you please put your skirt back on. Which she did. Not sure I would have said it as quickly as Connie (just kidding guys). I could tell Connie felt uncomfortable because within seconds after that she suggested we go for a walk around the neighborhood to get rid of some of the calories from the big meal we just had. Since it was still a warm October night that what we did and walk up and down several streets looking at all the new homes going up.
I do not think we ever had them in our house again or went out with them but remain friends and would talk to them in the neighborhood. It was a few months later we found out that they were nudists. A couple had moved in across the street and had put aluminum foil up in their front bedroom that face Chuck and his wife’s house. It was their daughter’s bedroom who was in elementary school maybe the fourth or fifth grade. That bedroom faced Chuck and his wife’s kitchen in which sometime at night they would appear nude as they would get something from their refrigerator. Anyway, it was something that they did not want their daughter exposed to and they were afraid with just curtains or shades she might still peak out. I am not sure how long they kept the aluminum foil up or what they replaced it with.
The next summer was amazing as we lived near a small local airport and she would sunbath in the nude in the backyard. Now the yard was fenced in, but we could tell she was out there by all the planes flying over or her next-door neighbor all the sudden getting on his roof to inspect it.
After about 18 months, they moved back to the Washington DC area as Chuck changed jobs and the company he worked for. Connie and I ran into Chuck again when I was in Hawaii in 1982 on a business trip. Chuck was getting off an elevator at the condominium the company was putting us up at, as Connie and I were getting on. He told us he and his wife had gotten a divorce shortly after moving back to DC.
I wish I could remember the ladies name and sometime when I am writing one of these stories, it makes me miss Connie a little more as I know I could turn to her and she would remember not only his wife name but their last name. She was so good at remembering names. But Connie and I always had a little laugh when we told the story and she would always say Sparkie, why didn’t you tell her to put her skirt back on. I would always use the excuse you did not give me time and she would say but would you have and give a little smirk saying I sure am glad I was here to protect you. Thank you, Connie, for always looking out for me but you could have taken a little more time telling her to put her skirt back on (just kidding).
The Fireman (1976)
Connie and I had just moved into our first house in Plano. We had only been there a few weeks when I come home, and the windows are all open and there still a smoke smell. It turned out that Connie was cooking and went out into the yard to do some work. She was cooking chicken (I think) but anyway some grease had spilled over and started a lot of smoke. One of our neighbors saw the smoke and called the fire department. Connie took it very well. The next evening when I got home the fire department was there. Connie was cooking again and forget to clean the grease out of the oven. Anyway, another of our good neighbors called the fire department again. Connie was so upset about all the trouble she had caused them that she offers to make them a cake. They said, “that ok please do not cook,” I think they meant for a while. Anyway, we often laugh about it. We would tell people That the fire department did not want one of Connie cakes. Now if fairness she made great cakes, but it shows you her sense of humor as she loved to make people laugh even at her on expense.
Target – 1976
Connie was good at pulling jokes on me at first because I guess I was very gullible at the time. We were living on Brockbank in Dallas in 1976 and it was before we moved to our first home in Plano. Connie had picked me up from work and had a very sad and concerned face. So immediately I said what wrong Connie and she said Sparkie, we may need to hire a lawyer because I may have to go to court. Now I was really concerned and asking to tell me what happened. This is the story she told me. She said Sparkie I was at target and this older lady (remember we were still in our 20’s) approached Connie and told her she looked just like her daughter that had passed away and could she call Connie daughter. Connie got away as soon as she could without answering. As she was checking out, she looks over at Connie in the other line and said bye daughter. Connie just mumbles a bye. As she started to leave the other checker said you need to pay for your mothers, she said you would. Connie said she not my mother and left her basket and took off after them. The lady was just getting into the car when Connie grabbed the door. Meantime a target employee had come out of the store and was headed right to them. As Connie opened the door the lady started kicking her, so Connie grabs her leg and starts pulling it and pulling it. Then she said just like I am pulling yours now.
The Disappearing Milkshake Spring 1978
The Disappearing Milkshake (Spring of 1978)
It was late spring of 1978 and Connie and I were out for a ride. It was around 2 PM on a beautiful Sunday afternoon when I decided I wanted a milkshake. I ask Connie if she wanted one and she said no. I remember I ordered a strawberry milkshake because I usually got chocolate. In Dallas, in 1978 the main road running out of Dallas north was a street called Central Expressway. It was 4 lanes of asphalt two going each way. The problem was getting on and off as the road. The entrances to the expressway were extremely short and in a lot of places they had a light that would turn green when they thought it was safe to enter the highway, but you could never count on the lights being correct, you had to be very careful. Because of the danger I ask Connie to hold my milkshake and after successfully getting on Central Expressway, I drove for about 10 minutes and when I thought the traffic had slowed down enough, I ask Connie for my milkshake. Well, when she handed it to me it was empty. I had been so busy with the traffic I had nor even noticed she was drinking it. I took a sip of air in the straw and looked d at her with her mischievous little grin and smile. She said I am sorry let’s stop and get you another one. Her little grin and mischievous smile still make me laugh to this day thinking about it. Every time we order a milkshake after that we would just smile at each other. By the way, I never ordered a milkshake again without ordering her one even when she said no. Thank you for the precious memories, Connie.
Wolf — August 1979
It was August 1979 and I was working in Plano in a small building. Back then we did not have PC’s, but dumb terminals and they were not on individuals desks. We had a bay of about 24 with 12 on each side. Around 9 that morning I had to go upfront to where all the manager’s office where. I was getting ready to leave when the division manager came out of his office and told me to go tell everyone to evacuate the building as there had been a bomb threat called in.
That was very credible at the time as we had terminated an employee the day before and it did not go well as she was very upset and caused a major scene.
Anyway, as I got to where the bay of terminals where I said I need your attention now. When all had stopped to look at me, I told them we needed to evacuate the building as there was a bomb threat. They looked at me for a few seconds and turned around and went back to work. Everyone knew me to be a prankster, but I was finally able to convince them. There was a brand-new mall that had just open about a month before only about a quarter of a mile from where our offices where, so we spent the next three hours over there.
I realized sometimes it not good to be the prankster but unfortunately, I still played pranks on people. I do have some good ones to write about later.
The Shoe Toss — (1980 or 1981)
It was the early 80’s. I am not sure whether it was 1980 or 1981 but I know it must have been early fall as it was getting darker earlier than normal, but it was not cold or even cool that evening.
During my early years at EDS, we went to Happy Hour on a lot of Fridays after work. There was always a good crowd from our group that went, usually somewhere around 10 to 12 people. I remember one-time Linda, was with us and she had too much to drink, so I offer to take her home if she could get someone to bring her back on Saturday to pick up her car. Now Linda did not like to wear shoes and took them off as soon as she got to work and usually did not put them on unless she had to go to a meeting, or it was time to go home. So, I ended up giving Linda a ride home.
Unfortunately, I had told Connie that I would take her to Chili’s that night for a night out. I was supposed to be home by 6:30 pm but did not get there until a little after 7 pm. I just said sorry I lost track of time. She was already upset with me for being late and back then we did not have cell phones to call ahead. Since I knew she was upset, I was not going to tell her that I was late because I took Linda home.
We lived in a little town called Allen which only had a couple of fast-food restaurants and one red light at that time. So, we had to drive to the next town Plano, which was much bigger and had a lot of restaurants. The main road through Allen was a tiny two-way street and we had to pass several fields of farmland growing corn, wheat etc. to get to Plano.
It was dark and as we were driving, I looked down and saw these shoes on the floor between us. My thoughts were OH my goodness (probably a little saltier language than that), Linda had left her shoes in the car. It was probably a stupid decision, but I decided to distract Connie and throw them out the window into the cornfields. There was no way, I wanted to upset her more, what would she say finding another woman shoes, in my car. Even though she knew Linda and had met her several times, there was no way I wanted to upset her more tonight. So out went the shoes.
When we arrived at Chili’s, Connie did not get out of the car, so I said she is upset so I went to open the door for her, and she still did not get out. So, I said Connie, what is wrong, and she said I cannot find my shoes. My first thoughts were (oh ******) you’re in big trouble now!!! I had just thrown her shoes out. You will not believe what happened next. To see how the evening turned out you must read below.
How the evening turned out:
Not all of what I just wrote is true, but Connie and I would tell the story that way for years to come to break the ice with new people, make people laugh or just have some fun. Now what is true and what is not…. It true that I gave Linda a ride home, but she did not leave her shoes in my car, those were Connie and no I did not throw them out as I could never distract her enough thank goodness. At dinner, I told Connie that I had given Linda a ride home and had almost thrown her shoes out. We had a good laugh about it and said let make the story even better. So, we always told the story that way but then told people the truth. It was a great ice breaker and always good for a laugh. There are other stories like that but one every now and then is enough.
The Purse – March 1983
We were at the airport getting ready to board our plane to Sint Maarten and Saint Martin when this mobile lounge (at least that what I think they called it)
to take us from the terminal to the plane out on the tarmac That is the only time I have ever been on one and maybe the only time I ever saw one. Connie and I boarded it along with several other people that were on that flight. It was interesting as we had never seen getting to a plane this way. The mobile lounge was very comfortable
and we were enjoying talking to the other people who would be going to the same island. We boarded the plane and settle into our seats which were the very first row in coach, I am not sure why I remember this, but Connie was in the window seat and I was next to her. I cannot remember if it was a middle seat or if there were only two seats on that side of the plane.
We were so excited and just talking away when the stewardess announces that someone had left their purse in the mobile lounge. Connie starts telling me how sorry she felt for them as all their money, passports, documentation was probably in the purse. After about two or three minutes the stewardess started describing the purse and said the mobile lounge would be leaving shortly. As she was describing the purse Connie jumped up scaring me half to death and said that my purse Sparkie and took off to get it. When she came back and after calming down, we were able to laugh about it. I do not know what would have happened If she had not claimed it. Thinking you Connie for not getting us stranded in the Caribbean.
Toenails (1986)
Most of you know that Connie had a real aversion to feet. She just did not like feet and did not like to touch her own much less anyone else. In November of 1986, I had both hips replaced at the same time and my toenails had grown. Connie’s mother came down in November and stay about 6 weeks while I recovered as Connie was working full time. My toenails had grown and ask Connie to cut them but there was no way she was going to do that. It was in the evening and we were watching TV, so her mother said she would do it. Connie got her mother a pair of scissors and gave them to her. Now here is her mother with my foot in her hand a part of scissors near my toes and she said, Sparkie, I cannot see really well. I jerked my foot out of her hand so quickly, I thought I had hurt my hip. Then the three of us started laughing and we laughed so hard we almost cried. Needless to say, I did not get my toenails cut that night but the next day Connie made sure her mother had her glasses on before she started cutting my toenails. Connie, her mother and I laughed about that for almost 25 years. I miss you Connie.
The Baby – November 1986
It was Tuesday, November 18th, 1986 and I was having both of my hips replaced on the same day. The surgery was supposed to be earlier, but they came to get me about noon and took me to a waiting area to prepare me for surgery. Connie was able to come with me. I was really nervous and was talking more than usual if you can believe that. Anyway, the nurse was cutting up with me and then all of a sudden, she said, I have always wanted to see a man waking up in the recovery room with a baby in their arms. Now Connie was jumping in and teasing me too. They were saying now be careful and do not drop the baby when you’re coming to. They were teasing me so much and laughing up a storm that I was convinced this crazy nurse may try something like that. From that day on, Connie would tease me right before I went into surgery that I was going to wake up with a baby in my arms. I was always afraid that she might pull it off someday. Not necessarily with a real baby but have someone put a doll in my arms. I can still imagine the nurse saying Mr. Buntley you have a beautiful baby daughter. Thank you, Connie, for always being able to take my mind off that surgery and all the surgeries that followed.
The Speeder (September 1987)
As I started this page with an introduction about why I had chosen the music which as what she was listening to when she got a ticket at the end of 2014. While Connie was a very good driver much better than me and she made sure everyone knew that. I hardly ever did I see her speed around town but when we went on long trips I would glance over as see the speedometer closing in on 80. I was always telling her to slow down but as soon as I dozed off or if she did not think I was paying attention the speed would climb back up there.
Now while I just said she usually did not speed locally this time she did. Connie worked in Plano and it took about 20 minutes to get home. We had two shelties at the time Brandy, and Misty. She would always go home for lunch to let them out and then go back to work. For those of you familiar with the area back then Coit Road was a two-lane road and there was nothing on it but fields of corn, wheat etc. after you got past Parker road.
We had just bought Connie a new car at the end of May 1987. It was a Pontiac Sunbird convertible a very pretty blue color. This day she was in a rush to get home for lunch and she was pulled over for speeding and I mean speeding. She was doing about 75 at least that the amount she admitted to me, it could have been more. But I was surprised they did not take her to jail. The policeman was cautioned her about speeding especially how fast she was going and you know what she told him — “Oh, officer” you do not has to worry this car has great brakes”. She told me she knew as soon as she said it was the wrong thing to say but she was hoping the officer would laugh but he did not and gave her a very stern lecture. Sometimes she could say the darndest thing. I miss that Connie.
Wedding Crashers Spring of 1989 or 1990
The Wedding Crasher (Spring of 1989 or 1990).
Remember the movie “Wedding Crasher” well Connie and her friend Chris really crashed one at least the reception. We had gone into Dallas to one of the fancier hotels for a nice dinner with our friends Frank and Chris. Frank and I were all dress up in our best suits and tie the girls had on lovely long dresses. We had a wonderful meal and time. After dinner about 9 or 9:30 pm, Connie and Chris just want to walk around the hotel and look at everything. It turns out we came upon this ballroom where there was a wedding reception going on. It was a big one probably a couple of hundred people in there and you could tell it was a very expensive wedding with champagne, liquor, etc. apparently flowing freely. There were waiters and waitresses all walking around carrying what looked like very exquisite food. Connie and Chris want us to all go in, but Frank and I were having nothing of it. Well, they were not going to be stopped and went in anyway. There was a guest book at the door to sign, so we see them going up there and signing the book and going in. Frank and I move up t from the reception area, and found us a place to sit. It was a good thing we did because they were in there for about 40 minutes. When they came out, they were a little tipsy. We got them out of there fast and they were giggling and laughing all the way home, they just could not stop. Connie had signed the guest book as Julia Roberts, and I do not remember whose name Chris used but it was one of Charlie’s Angel I think. They were giggling so hard about the people finding out that those famous names sign their guest books. They would ask people where they guest of the bride of groom and tell them they were guests of the other. Like her father and mine were good friends when they were in high school together. Some of the stories they came up with were hilarious. I think Connie even feel asleep that night giggling. Oh, how I miss your spontaneity Connie. Thank you for always making my life fun and exciting.
The Breakfast of Champions (early 1990s)
I was on a study in Pennsylvania just outside Philadelphia. It was close to Villanova University because we took a couple of trips there in the evening to see the campus. I had been there with two or three other people back in July or August on a sales call. We were able to sell the Insurance company on a 4-day study to determine the cost of converting them off their current insurance system to the one we sold and maintained called Equity Plus. The salesman was there on and off that week. The sales support person was Diana, and then we had a marketing support person and a study team leader, while I headed up the technical team. So in total, we had about seven or eight people. We were staying at a Marriot Courtyard and they had free breakfast. I can not remember his name but I do know he had something for breakfast twice while we were there that I thought I would never see ad have never seen again. The first morning it happened, I thought I was imagining things. He had gotten a bowl of Fruit Loops and a Pepsi Cola, he then proceeded to put the Pepsi Cola in the Fruit Loop, and what a sizzle it made. I cannot imagine what a sugar high he must have been on all day. What really surprise me he then it again a couple of days later. I would have never thought of anyone eating that for breakfast and have never seen anything close to that since.
The Baby Bet – 1993
The Baby Bet — 1993
In the Insurance Division, I worked there was a young lady named Alyce and when I was managing at one time her husband worked with me. So I got to know her and her husband quite well. She was expecting and was miserable so I kept telling her she was going to be late. The baby was due on January 4th, I kept telling her it would be at least the 15th after that and she kept insisting she would have it earlier. So we made a bet and whoever won had to buy the other one lunch. My bet was she would have the baby after the 10th, her bet was she would have it before the 10th. If she had it on the 10th then no one would win. It turns out I was the biggest baby of all.
On Thursday, January 7th, I had periodontal gum surgery and they had to put me under anesthesia for it. Connie had taken me in around noon for a 1 pm appointment. I had taken some valium before I went and then they put me under. I do not remember anything until Friday morning. Connie and the nurse got me into the car and Connie was able to get me in the house and bed.
The next day was painful, and all I ate was some soup. It just seemed so painful, I remember staying in bed almost all day.
On Saturday, I was still complaining when a phone call came in around 10 am. We missed it but Alyce had left a recording. Connie picked it up soon afterward and play it for me. Alyce had a baby boy and had named him Ryan. She called to make sure I knew she had won the bet and she was in really good spirits and upbeat. I think Connie and I called to congratulate her and she was so bubbly you would have never thought she had given birth only and hour and a half before. That when Connie, told me I was a big baby, here was Alyce who had just given birth an hour ago and was so upbeat and joyful, and I was still laying around and complaining after two days and she was so much better than me only an hour after giving birth. I do not know how many times Connie played that message for me but it was a lot and I thought she would never get rid of it.
I would tell Alyce later that I did not mind losing the bet but her making me look like a big wimp to Connie was too much. I said you could have told me a few days later and she said, I just wanted to make sure you knew you had lost. I guess I had been pretty cocky that I would win.
Connie would never let me live that down. Anyway, she wanted to go out to a place called “Good Eats“ for lunch. Now I did not want to go but after what I had just happened, I need to show Connie I was tough, so we went. Now all I had was soup but I did it. To this day, I cannot believe how Alyce sounded on the phone, it was like she had just stub her toe and it was no big deal. A few years later she had a daughter and it was the same not hardly anytime in labor.
Cookie‘s – 1993
I made be wrong about the year but I think this was the year. I had finished the Technical Consulting Program in June of this year. They were training us in a lot of the new PC technologies. They were about 15 people per class and I was in the 6th or 7th class that they gave. After the class, I was assigned as the Senior Lead Technician for developing a PC based Workers Compensation System (WCRS). It was a small team of fewer than 10 people but it was the first PC-based system that the Insurance System developed. During the fall as the project was getting off the ground and we were at full staff, I asked Connie to make some cookies that I could take in for the team. I thought she would just buy some at the grocery store and put them in the oven. But she surprised me and decided t make them from scratch. I do know it was a Friday morning and I took the cookies into my office. I asked the team to come into m office and gave them some cookies. The next thing I knew they were all spitting them out and throwing them in the trash can. Luckily I knew everyone on the team. I then tasted one and I too could not spit it out fast enough. I do not know how but she ad put salt in the cookie and I do not think I have ever tasted a more salted cookie or even one that was worse than that. Connie was horrified when I told her.
Not Everyone Wants to Talk To You — 1994
Not Everyone Wants To Talk To You — 1994
I guess I have always like to talk, not sure why. I would talk to anyone whether it was the CEO of the company or the lady serving lunch, it did not matter to me.
I must admit it started early. My first recollection is the first grade. On my first day in the first grade, the teacher made me sit in the hall for talking too much. Not sure how many times that was written on my report card but a lot.
During June of 1994, when Connie and I visited her mother we were on a ride on Saturday morning. Sometime between noon and one I stopped at a toll booth. Traffic was not that bad and I got to talking to the lady in the toll booth. After about 7 or 8 minutes she said you need to move on as there are several cars lined up behind you. Connie and her mother teased me about that the rest of the day. They were saying I was the first person to get a toll booth person to talk to them.
I think it was the next year and it was on a Sunday a little after one in the afternoon. Connie and I were going into one of our favorite Mexican restaurant called “La Finca“. This young African-American gentleman was coming out probably in his mid 20’s. He had on a beautiful suit. So I stopped him and told him how nice the suit was and that it looked great on him. I guess I must have just kept talking as finally with his family waiting in the car and anxious to leave, he said I gotta go. As we sat down, Connie said to me for the first time but not the last, “Sparkie, Not Everyone You Meet Want To Talk To You“. She then explained to me that the guy had been trying to get away from me for five minutes. In the back of my mind, I wonder if it because she was hungry and was wanting to get to lunch.
About three years later, on a Saturday before Valentine’s Day, I called to order her mother some flowers from a florist near where she lived. I started the call around 9:45 that morning. I can not remember what was going on but we had to be at the church at 10. Finally, about 10 minutes till 10 she got me off the phone and we made it to church on time as we only lived about 5 minutes away. Connie wanted to know what in the heck did I have to talk about to a perfect stranger on the phone for over an hour. I then started telling her about the lady’s son who was stationed in Japan and was in the AirForce and where she grew up and how many other children she had. Connie just shook her head and said, I do not know why people talk to when you and they are perfect strangers.
I did get the last word, as her mother called her on Valentine’s Day and said she had never gotten such a beautiful arrangement of flowers and not ever surpassed those.
So sometimes, you might just have to say as Connie would “Sparkie please stop talking” or “Sparkie can we have some quiet time”. I do not think there was a week that went by that Connie did not ask me to play the quiet game. She sometimes just wanted peace and quiet.
Water Skiing – The mid 90’s
During one summer during this time we had some interns work with us during the summer. We had two girls and one guy from Europe. I am not sure but one of the girls was from a Scandinavian country and the other I think was from Germany. I am not sure where the guy was from but maybe Austria.
I had a friend that I worked with whose name was also Joel. He had a boat and agree to take them water skiing on a Saturday morning. Joel was flabbergasted when he came back into the office on Monday and told me this story. They were on the boat driving around the lake and ask them if they were ready to do some water skiing. They said yes, Joel though they had bathing suits on under their clothes they did not. They all 3 stripped naked and then put on their bathing suits. Joel said he almost wreck the boat several times.
After they had finished water skiing, they got back on the boat took off their bathing suits and got dressed again. Again, he almost wrecked the boat.
At least Joel said he had a weekend he will never forget.
Is He Dead — mid-1990s
I had a Friday off in the early fall, sometime around October or November. I had taken Connie to a Home Store because there was something she was looking for. A lot of the times I did not go in because she spent a lot of time looking around so I stayed in the car. She must have been in there for over an hour. When she went to check out, all the ladies were gathered around the cash register and they were calling 911. They told Connie there was a dead man in the car out front. Since the checkout was right near the front door she looked out and saw they were talking about me. She laughed and said if you just go and open the front door a little bit you can probably hear him snoring. A few minutes later Connie knocks on the driver’s window and I jumped like crazy and she pointed to five or six ladies standing at the window laughing their heads off. She then told me they were getting ready to call 911 because they thought I was dead. She got a big kick out of not only scaring me when she knocked on the car window but watching all the sales ladies have a big laugh.
Embarrassment In Hope Arkansas Spring 1998
Embarrassment in Hope Arkansas — Spring 1998
*Disclaimer – I am not sure about the year, but I am writing it as if it happened in 1998 but it could have been anywhere from 1998-2002.
In 1996, Connie and I bought a lot in Hot Springs Village Arkansas. The plan was we would retire there after I quit work. By owning a lot, we could visit and take advantage of all the amenities that they offered. We visited the place quite often from 1996 to 2004. Probably somewhere around 30 to 35 times.
It was a little over a 5-hour drive, and we usually stopped in Texarkana but for some reason, we went on to Hope Arkansas (birthplace of Bill Clinton) this time before we stopped.
Just off the interstate, there was a Wendy’s that we decided to pull into. I do remember that it was on a Saturday around 12:30 because the place was packed. There were at least 3 rows of place to park and then another row over by an empty field. We pulled into the row by the empty field so Connie could take our dog (Sugar or Peaches) to use the bathroom and give her some water.
I went on into Wendy’s and stood in a long line and finally got my order. It was really crowded. I walked out with a tray with two diet coke on each side and a bag of burgers and fries in between. It took two hands to carry it as I could not balance it with one. I was about halfway across the parking lot when the elastic in my blue shorts gave out. I could feel my shorts starting to slip down my legs. I yell at Connie and at first, she did not understand what was going on. Finally, as I got to the second row she understood and just started laughing like crazy. I had started spreading my legs wider in hopes of keeping my shorts up, but they kept slipping and were about halfway down my hips. I heard people going through the drive-thru yelling and laughing at me. As I reached the third row my legs were further and further apart, but my shorts were still going down (thank goodness, my underwear was clean). Connie was laughing so hard that she could not do anything. By the time I reached the car my shorts were halflway down my thighs. Connie still had not stopped laughing and there was a crowd gather back at Wendy’ looking out to see if I was going to be able to keep my shorts from falling all the way to the ground.
Well, I made it to the car with my shorts barely above my knees and sat the tray on the car and PULLED UP MY SHORTS. Connie is still sitting on the ground and laughing her head off. By the time I could get her to stop laughing the hamburgers and fries were turning cold and the ice in the sodas had almost melted.
Connie did not tell this story very often to other people because she knew it embarrassed me, but she did not mind teasing me about it every now and then. Also, she felt bad about not coming to help me but she just could not stop laughing. I decided to share it because I still remember how hard she laughed, she always felt bad about not coming to help me, but she was paralyzed with laughter. I do miss her laughter.
Oh, by the way we never stopped in Hope Arkansas again.
The Pervert Patrol – Fall of 1998
There was a man coming around the church back in 1998 dressed as a woman. The priest had seen him and a couple of other parishioners. He would usually come on Sunday evening. After that mass, the middle schooler and high schooler got together for about 1 -2 hours of activities. So Father, was concerned.
Our priest started a pervert patrol (not father name for this but mine). He would have people come and walk around so if the guys showed up, we would ask him to leave. Connie and I never saw him, but a few people did. He came dressed as a woman and would use the women’s restroom and leave.
Finally, Fr. saw him and talked to him. It turns out he was considering a sex change operation and one of the doctors (psychiatrist I think) who was working with him want him to go out in public dressed that way. Not sure whatever happened, but after Father talked to him he never came back.
Toilet Paper – 1999
Sometimes, things you say even if you are joking have consequences. I had been working on several companies’ computer systems since late 1997 to make sure they were going to be compatible when the year 2000 roll around. Let me digress a little bit here and say why we had to do this. Just bare with me through some of the technical talk as I will eventually get to the real stroy.
Originally IBM developed two computer systems for Insurance companies to give to companies who would but their computers. In early 1960, they developed a system for small insurance companies call Consolidated Function Ordinary (CFO) and in the late 60’s or early 70’s they gave away a free system to large insurance companies called Advanced Life Information Systems (ALIS) to support larger insurance companies and to take advantage of new hardware and software that were available.
If we had stuck with IBM design principles we would never have had the year 2000 problem with companies running those systems. Since the companies were given the software free, then we were able to maintain and modify the software. For the CFO system, IBM used a MOYR code for dates. All data were stored in the number of months since 1900. With ALIS they went even further and used the number of days since 1800. If programmers had understood those dates back them and adhered to them then there would not have been a date problem when the year 2000 came around. Bur after of over 30 years of modification using the date we are more familiar with MM/DD/YY, there was a ton of work to be done on all the old systems that had been around for a long time and even a lot of the new one.
Now with that explanation let me get around to the story.
A lot of people were worried about what was going to happen to the computer system when 2000 rolled around. Connie had asked me a few questions over the years but as it got closer she asks more questions. I told her not to worry because if things went wrong they would eventually get them corrected. I guess at some time in late October or early November, I responded to one of her questions with a smart alec remark not know she might take me seriously. I told her not to worry about the financial systems as they would get fixed if there were problems but it might really affect the manufacturing systems, as I was concerned that they might run out of toilet paper.
The next time I went to work and I returned home we had about 100 rolls of toilet paper and I had either created the toilet paper queen or a toilet paper monster. From that day on we always had plenty of toilet paper and I still do after over 4 years without her.
But it went further than that. Every time we took a trip whether it was just overnight or a week-long vacation there was toilet paper in our car. Even when we went o cruise she packed toilet paper.
I do not know what kind of phobia, I created but whatever you would call the fear of not having toilet paper is what I created in her. After many years we would laugh about it but she still brought toilet paper on trips and the house was always well-stocked with toilet paper.
The Husband Give Away February 2000
The Husband Give Away (2000 – February)
I had both of my hips replaced in 1986 at the same time. Then on January 18th , 2000, I had to have one of them redone. It was late February and a beautiful day. About 1:30 p.m., I asked Connie to help me as I would like to sit outside at the end of our walkway. As I moved toward the end of the walkway on my walker Connie brought a dining room chair out that I could sit in. Connie help me get comfortable. At some point in time, I must have fallen asleep with my head on the walker. Around 3 pm I woke up and noticed an elderly lady drive by just staring at me. Then she came by again. I called for Connie to help me back inside and that when I noticed a poster leaning on the front of my walker. When I looked at it, it said: “Free Husband Take If You Want”. Connie could not stop laughing at how she had really pulled one over on me this time. She always made me laugh and that what I miss the most.
The Tattoo Machine — Early 2000’s
The Tattoo Machine – Early 2000’s
There was always a group of 5 or 6 people that went to lunch every day. But on this day, it was only Wayne and I. It was a Wednesday and Wayne was thrifty, so we went to KFC, where then you could get a chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and a biscuit for a $1.99. Now Wayne did not even buy a drink, he always just got water.
On this particular day, and I am not sure why Wayne mention his in-laws. His daughter was a veterinarian and Wayne, had gone to Louisiana for some reason but while there he met his in-laws. Now Wayne is a pretty easy-going guy. So, he was telling me about his visit. Then he told me his in-laws who bought a tattoo machine for their anniversary. I thought that was strange, but Wayne said they thought it was very sweet since now they could give each other tattoos on special occasions. We may have talked about it for a few minutes but then we got on to other topics. About 10-15 minutes later, Wayne just up and says, I think they should have gotten teeth instead. I thought he was joking but I soon realized he was deadly serious. He said Joel, I really think they should have spent their money on getting their teeth fixed. I will never forget that conversation.
Underwear and the Coyotes October 2004
Underwear and the Coyotes – Oct 2004
Connie loved telling this sorry and she always did it in a way to make people laugh. Even though it was kind of embarrassing to me.
We had moved into our new place at the end of September 2004. There were 4 houses on our block, and we were the only ones to have moved in. There were no houses across the street and our nearest neighbor to one side was about 10 houses up and to the other side were two empty houses and beyond that, they were still building. We still did not have a fence around the backyard, so if Peaches (our sheltie) need to go out in the middle of the night Connie would take her to the front yard.
One Sunday morning around 1 AM, Connie wakes me up in a panic. She said you got to come with me right now, I could tell she was scared, and I just followed her, and she handed me two pots. Half asleep not knowing what was going on I followed her out the front door. There was a pack of coyotes about 40 yards from our house just staring at Peaches our sheltie. She yells at me to bang the pots. So here a 58-year-old man in his underwear banging pots together at 1 am in the morning. Finally, after banging them loud enough the coyotes took off. We saw coyotes again but never when Connie took Peaches out in the middle of the night. Connie would tease me and say that I really did not scare them off but that the coyotes were laughing so hard they probably died from laughing. About a month later we had a fence around the backyard, and we could let Peaches out in the back at night. For my close friends that was how the “Underwear Gang” stories got started.
The New House – March 2004
I am going to start way back before this happened. It may not be funny but Connie and I love to play tricks on each other. Connie had been wanting to move for a long time but since 1996 we thought we were gone to retire in Hot Springs Village and I did not think we should move and then move again when I retired. The place I am now living and which Connie and I moved into in September of 2004 is called Heritage Ranch. It started about 1998 with just a trailer. I know Connie and I came to visit the place in 1999 when there were a few houses out there. I definitely did not like the houses. Maybe it was just the builder of the first homes going into Heritage Ranch. To me the way they were decorated was dark and the house did not seem to be very open for sunlight.
Connie was always looking at houses and I had convinced her to wait until we retired and moved to Hot Springs Village. We visited there three or four times a year and always spent a couple of days driving around looking at neighborhoods and visiting the new houses that were being built. We also would spend time driving around the Allen and surrounding areas looking at the new houses and getting ideas about what we liked and what we did not like.
It was Sunday, February 15th, and we were having lunch, I can remember the place but I am not sure what restaurant was in the building at that time. Our good friends Gary and Carol were looking at a new place that afternoon. Connie said let drive out to Heritage Ranch. It had been several years since we had even gone there. I readily agreed because I knew I did not like the place and Connie would never find anything out there that she liked. Boy, was I wrong? The place had grown a lot since 1999. There were probably 300 homes in the thee and they had a clubhouse.
The other part was the original developer was no longer involved as they had sold out to two other home builders that we’re now building out there ad were in charge of all the development. Each builder had three or four model homes right across from the clubhouse.
Then it happened, not what I expected, we walked into the first model, and Connie fell in love with the floor plan. I have to admit it was a lot nicer than the previous model we had visited four or fine years ago. It was very open and a lot of light into the house, it had two and a half baths. It was bigger than the house we were currently in. We visited the other five model but the first one was the one she loved. On the way home that afternoon she was so excited and was ready to buy and move. I try to tell her we needed to wait for a little while and not make a decision on the spur of the moment. Right then and there, our plans for moving to Hot Springs Village went out the door. No matter what I brought up she had an answer for. I remember telling here is 600 square feet bigger than what we have now. Shouldn’t we move to something smaller for retirement? Her answer was when you retire I am going to need more space.
We visited every weekend to talk to the salesperson, named Mandy. We also went two or three nights a week to just driving around and to see what was going on. We also visited the club for a meal to see how it was. Mandy showed us some houses that were already built but they were not the model Connie wanted.
It took me about 4 weeks and Connie was asking me every minute to decide. She had made up her mind that what we should do and wanted me to make mine up so we could get on with it. I finally told her we would build the new houses that she wanted but give a couple of more weeks to figure out the financing, what I thought we could get for our house etc. I just need to do some more financial planning.
I had pretty much committed to Connie, that we would buy the house and move to Heritage Ranch. We had been driving al around looking at lots that we would want to build on. There were some more golf courses lots that they were going t open up for sale in about 6 months. Neither Connie and I wanted to wait that long. There were about 350 homes built, and they had plans to build 1144 homes. Connie had picked out a lot that she wanted. Sunday, March 21st, I committed to Mandy that we were going to buy a home it would be the model floorplan that we had been looking at for the last 5 to 6 weeks. I told her we would bring the required deposit this week.
Mandy knew the lot we were looking at, so at lunch on Wednesday the 24th, I called her and told her that Connie and I would be dropping off a check for our deposit that evening. She would then takes us to pick out our lot and place a sold sign on it. I talked many into helping me play a little trick on Connie. I had her go ahead and put a sold sign on the lot but to write on the back, “Connie it yours, Love Sparkie“.
Connie kept asking me to come home early as she knew we were going to drop off the deposit and select our lot that evening. I did get home around 5 and by 5:30 we were meeting with Mandy, signing all the documents, and giving her a deposit. Afterward. Mandy got a sold sign and ut into her SUV. Connie directed her to the lot we wanted. When we arrived at the lot and Connie saw the sold sign already on it, her heart dropped. I said Connie, I am so sorry, I should have acted earlier. Mandy talked Connie into getting out of the car and looking at the lots on each side of it. Since we had parked at that lot, we got out and walked right by the sold sign.
As we passed the sold sign Mandy said, Connie what that written on the back of the sign there, Connie read what I had Mandy put on the sign and her face just light up, she was so happy. I got her. I remember we did not even have time to celebrate that evening as while we were finishing up all the paperwork, I got a call from work. I was on call that night and we had a program that was down so as soon as we got through I rushed home to get the system back up again. But to this day I can still remember how happy Connie was. I love you kid.
The Microwave Radio October 2004
The Microwave Radio (2004 – October)
We had just moved into our new house in September of 2004. I was sitting up my study when Connie came in and ask me what station Dr. Laura was on. I told her and said why we have not even unpacked a radio yet. She said that ok we have a radio in the microwave. I said Connie there is no radio in the microwave. Finally, about 5 minutes later she came back to where I was working in the study and said Sparkie (my nickname) will you set up DR. Laura on the microwave radio. I tried to convince her there was no radio in the microwave but she insisted I come out to the kitchen and she pointed to the microwave and said see Sparkie there is said AM/FM. I gave her a pair of glasses and she then saw it said AM/PM. It was for the clock.
Golfing (March 2005)
Connie and I had moved to a new home in an active adult community. I would say a retirement community, but Connie would always correct me. Right after we moved in, we purchased a golf cart. Now, neither one of us played golf and our house was not on the golf course but a lot of people had golf carts to use in the neighborhood and to use in the evening or morning to drive around the golf course. It was a beautiful golf course and we would always see all kinds of animals and really enjoyed it.
One day I came home from work in March and we went to take the gold cart out for a ride around the golf course when I noticed that there were two golf balls in the golf cart. I found that strange since we did not play golf and I never had bought any golf balls. So, I asked Connie, where did the golf balls come from. I really was not prepared for her answer.
She said I was riding around the courses this morning and I found that strange as there were only certain times, we were allowed on the course because of people playing golf. She said when I was over on hole number 2 there were these two-golf cart laying just of the cart path. I said Connie was there anyone around and she said just two old guys about 100 yards behind me and they started yelling at me, but I am not sure why.
It took a while, but I finally got Connie to understand a little bit about golf. I was hoping those too old guys were not member of the club but were just visitors playing.
Anyway, Connie never picked up a golf ball unless we were out when no one was playing golf. Thanks, Connie, for always making my life interesting.
The BURN Nurse — February 2006
Connie and I had this friend Mike that for some reason
she used to tell everyone he was a proctologist.
Connie at the time was watching one of the doctors on TV and Mike did not like him. If I remember right it was Dr. Phil. One day after church we met some new people and she just said this is our friend Dr. Mike and his wife Brenda, Dr. Mike is a proctologist. The church was growing at the time so after that, she would always introduce him as a proctologist even though he worked for AT&T at the time.
This went on for many years and we all had a lot of fun with it until it just had run its course. Connie even wrote a book called “The End is in Sight“ by Dr. Mike. The book was full of proctologist jokes.
In February of 2006, we had a party at our house with a bunch of friends. The party was a birthday party for one of Connie’s friends Marty. At the party, Mike had brought Connie a white coat to wear for the evening. That evening they presented Connie with a Certificate called “B.U.R.N“ it stood for Butts Up Registered Nurse“ I am still looking for the Certificate they gave her but above is a picture of the certificate.
Here are some pictures from the party. Click (one-click will open up the gallery for better viewing). Besides the white coat, stethoscope, Vaseline, rubber gloves there were other interesting items.
The Liquor Store – 2006 or 2007
I am not sure when, but I think this occurred in the mid-2000s around 2006 or 2007. I cannot remember if it was in the spring or fall but I am pretty sure it was not summer or winter because it was neither cold nor hot that night. I do remember it was a Friday night and we had gone with our friends Gary and Carol to a liquor store.
Now for those of you who are not from this area not all counties sell liquor and the one we lived in did not. If I remember correctly, we had gone out to dinner and decided to drive to a town nearby called the Colony. It was a little past 7 PM when we got there, and Connie and Gary decided they would go in and get some wine while Carol and I stayed in the car and talked. Since I talk so much the next time, I looked at my watch over 30 minutes had gone by. I said to Carol I wonder where they are. Since the store had a big glass window all along the front, Carol said I have seen them go by the checkout about 3 times. We waited, and waited and they went by the check out a couple of more times. It was somewhere between 50 minutes to an hour and I was getting ready to go in when I saw them checking out. When they both got into the car, they were tipsy, Gary not as much as Connie. Everything they said was funny and they would start laughing. They were feeling pretty good. It took a little bit for them to tell us what happened thorough all their laughter especially Connie’s. Evidently, there were a couple of people in there giving out samples of single malt scotch and there was more than one brand be given out to sample. Anyway, they would take their time and go through the store again and again to get another sample. I do not know how many they had but the store was not that big, so I am sure they went around more than 5 or 6 times. Connie and Gary were hilarious that night. From then on if we need some wine, I made sure I went with Connie to get it not Gary (just kidding Gary).
The Key Lime Pie — 2012
I am not sure about the year it may have been in 2011. This was another one of Connie’s cooking adventures. We had several like this, but I will tell this one first. Lizzie and Dave had invited us over for dinner and Connie was going to bring the dessert. I was surprised that they agreed to let her do that as they knew about some of Connie’s cooking adventures. We were getting ready to leave for their house and as we were walking out the door, I asked Connie what is that on the counter. Yes, it was the Lime that should have gone into the key-lime pie. It was too late to do anything about it, so we took it anyway. Of course, we told them we had forgotten the lime. None of us wanted desert after dinner so we insisted they keep the key pie. After they had tried it, later they called Connie and I and said the pie was really really bad and we should not ever make another one like that. No that did not hurt our feelings as they are our best friends and they knew about some of Connie’s mistakes in the kitchen. Ever since then we would always break out laughing whenever someone served key-lime pie.
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